Dialog Unlikely To Be Used: The Archive

Hi there—

It’s been a while since I’ve done anything with this blog, after finishing the “Dr Who from the Start” series. But I’ve had a series going on Twitter for quite some time now, with a daily tweet called “Dialog Unlikely To Be Used” (#DUTBU). I figured I might as well collect the series together somewhere.

By now I’ve accumulated quite a lot of these; you’ll be bored well before reaching the end. But, anyway:

Dialog Unlikely To Be Used

• “Our attempt failed: the asteroid is still headed for Earth— but now it’s covered in cream cheese!”
• “You thought it was the perfect crime, but you forgot that purchasing a snail always leaves a record!”
• “We almost panicked when, halfway to Mars, the spacecraft’s cow-catcher rammed a buffalo.”
• “There’s nothing more dangerous than a wounded sea cucumber.”
• “Oh Mary, darling, you have the most beautiful lower right eyelid I’ve ever seen!”
• “Whoah there, pardner, yew cain’t rope that steer less’n yew put a doily under it first.”
• “Detective, if we don’t catch this gang soon, there won’t be a single shoe store left in Dayton.”
• “So, Xprqzgh, the humans are unaware of our presence. Soon our zvghrqzz ray will fully enzgrrxh their world!”
• “I’m sorry it has to be this way, but I just can’t date someone with that number of thumbs.”
• “As you know, Professor Jenkins, ducks are notoriously unreliable research assistants.”
• “It’s impressive to see a herd of wildebeest perform Hamlet in the first place, but the acting was mediocre.”
• “They laughed at me, called me mad. Mad! And they were right, so I have no hard feelings about it.”
• “People of Earth, surrender your arugula recipes immediately, or we shall destroy your planet!”
• “You watch for the guard, Gronsky– if he spots the tunnel entrance, he might alert an accountant.”
• “It gets eerie alone on the prairie at night, nothing but the stars overhead as your hot tub chugs and bubbles.”
• “Better do a maintenance check, Scotty, I’m sure I heard the brakes squeal when we came out of warp drive.”
• “The talisman you seek lies across the Forbidden Plains, in the Cavern of Doom, right behind the ottoman.”
• “Og mighty warrior! Og slay many wild beast! Og very good at differential calculus!”
• “Captain, sensors can’t determine a point of origin— it’s like no coconut cream pie we’ve encountered before.”
• “I am Sir Lancelot of Camelot, and I am on a routine and unimportant quest.”
• “Mugsy, you keep the motor running. Bruiser, you take out the security cameras. Me, I’ll hang the bunting.”
• “The lava flow is coming and the bridge is out– thank goodness I know how to knit, and have a lot of yarn!”
• “There’s no cure for Xyzyxplistythemia, Mrs. Jones, you’ll just have to keep your duck on a leash.”
• “And remember, if we don’t feed these goldfish in the next three hours, it’s the end for all of us!”
• “Bosun, pipe the men to quarters! Hoist the mains’l! Run out the cannons! Pet the platypus!”
• “Why you, if I weren’t such a civilized man, I’d take this rotten ledger and add up numbers in it!”
• “I am Wile E. Coyote, genius. And since you are Bugs Bunny, I demonstrate my genius by running away now.”
• “Ready… aim… crochet!”
• “Scalpel… retractor… suction… check his blood pressure… good. Now, pour on the gravy.”
• “Goodbye my dearest. Kiss the children for me. And think of me whenever you’re grouting the tile.”
• “After years of careful research, I have finally perfected bifocal Groucho glasses!”
• “Thank goodness you’re back, the Internet was a cold and lonely place without you!”
• “Do your worst, I will never tell you my secret knitting pattern!”
• “I would use my superstrength to stop the asteroid from hitting Earth, but I’m playing bridge at the moment.”
• “Why thank you, I’ve always worked hard to have an attractive uvula.”
• “Arr, Matey, I just be going over me plunder in order to calculate the depreciation index for me tax return.”
• “Now add the mushrooms, along with two cloves of garlic and a cup of used motor oil.”
• “Ah, fair maiden, wouldst thou doest me the honour of killing this icky spider for me?”
• “On the third day out from Laredo, we had a problem: the salt flats were just ahead, a deadly threat to the snail herd.”
• “When you grow up in the desert, the scorching sun and hard-baked sand teach you one lesson early on: long division.”
• “I don’t like the looks of that storm front, Cap’n. Plaid just isn’t the right color.”
• “It’s quiet… too quiet… they’re definitely planning a mime attack.”
• “Disguising yourself as a head of lettuce will not save you— not when I brought my salad spinner!”
• “I threw back a shot of rye as the dame slinked into my office like a frog in a ball-bearing factory.”
• “All right 007, your mission is to julienne those carrots before the Russians do.”
• “I’ve brought you all here to tell you— the murderer is in this very room! He’s the one the police have in handcuffs.”
• “Yes, this is the secret of Sauron’s might— the Toenail Clipper of Power!”
• “We have only two choices: run and hide, and let the aliens take our planet, or stand up and beat them at this badminton game.”
• “No good, an F-16 is just not capable of that kind of speed… we’ll have to harness the penguins.”
• “Journey past the many aisles of temptation to the produce section of destiny. There you will find the radish you seek.”
• “Somehow the Phantom managed to steal that toothpick, right under my very nose.”
• “The hurricane makes landfall in an hour. We’ve got that long to get every mime in the city up in a weather balloon.”
• “I know just the cure for a bad cold. How about a hearty bowl of weasel stew?”
• “That’s a nice paperclip dispenser you’ve got there. Be a shame if something were to… happen… to it.”
• “Oh Mary darling, let me gaze upon the beauty of your earlobes, your eyelids, and the third knuckle on your right index finger.”
• “You see, Watson, the distinctive tracks a centipede leaves in overcooked oatmeal are unmistakable.”
• “O brave knight, heed my words: this quest you can achieve only by sitting on the sofa and watching lots of television.”
• “The Dark Tower of infinite doom and despair? It’s across the street from the Seven-Eleven.”
• “All right men, the Normandy beaches are just ahead. We expect heavy resistance to our landing. Break out your tricycles.”
• “We’ll shrink the sub to the size of a bacterium and inject it into the patient, where the team will fix his receding hairline.”
• “I hate to see 20 years of marriage fail… and yet, for all the ups and downs, I can never forgive you for the toenail clipper.”
• “If you try to resist, we have ways of making you talk. Now— tell us everything you know about Medieval alliterative poetry!”
• “Sir Lancelot, are you going to eat all of that sandwich?”
• “So, hero, you dare challenge me in my own palace? Very well then, choose! Do you want the Wheelbarrow or the Top Hat?”
• “To be or not to be, that is the glxfnarb plrtz ggh xighm lklkl.”
• “At dawn on the summer solstice, the shadow of the obelisk will lie directly upon the stone where nothing important lies buried.”
• “No good, the cave-in’s completely blocked the passage. I’m afraid there’s no way forward except by taxi.”
• “I want to hire you, detective. I think my tree slug has been cheating on me.”
• “Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron gently poach at a temperature of 170 until the sauce thickens.”
• “Captain’s log, stardate 8367.9. The Enterprise is in drydock to be repainted. After looking at the swatches, I picked salmon.”
• “The bad guys are getting away! Curses, if only I had remembered to wax my roller skates!”
• “If we don’t stop it, this bomb goes off in three hours— with a force equivalent to almost a dozen really big sneezes!”
• “We fight this revolution with one noble goal– to end the tyranny of toenail painting, once and for all!”
• “Now we light the funeral pyre for Njorl the Mighty, slain in battle. As the flames rise high, bring forth the marshmallows!”
• “I have a collect call from a Mr. Adventure.”
• “Tell him I refuse the call.”
• “Legend has it that the lost treasure could, in today’s prices, be worth almost seventy-five cents. So— right. Let’s not bother.”
• “Oh darling, my dearest, you are marginally less uninteresting than any other woman I’ve ever met!”
• “We need everyone’s best effort. If this deal collapses, we lose custody of the yak.”
• “Well. I suppose you *could* do it that way, but I think there are better ways to clean your teeth than a sandblaster.”
• “Beware, travelers, for down that road lie many miles until the next bathroom stop.”
• “Check your equipment carefully… when you’re 1000 feet up the side of a sheer cliff, that crepe pan can save your life.”
• “Yes, that’s the one— that’s the sea cucumber that killed my brother.”
• “Yes, Professor Johnson, my research proves beyond a shadow of a doubt the pyramids were once coated with guacamole!”
• “You win this round, Captain Awesome, but I, the Crime King, will return— and the world’s pimento supply WILL be mine!”
• “It’s taken me decades and a thousand pages of calculations to prove, but now I know— you owe me another nickel for that hot dog!”
• “If we don’t stop this asteroid before it hits the Earth, it could devastate an area of almost half an acre!”
• “I’m afraid the latest reports only confirm our worst fears. We’re facing a worldwide Q-tip shortage.”
• “It’s a hard life out here on the frontier. You try making a lace doily with only tree bark and an axe.”
• “Sir, I have to report that while we did mine the strait against enemy ships, due to a clerical error we mined it with s’mores.”
• “I’m afraid we’re out of options, Admiral. The enemy fleet has us surrounded. We’re going to have to go to their square dance.”
• “Puny Earthlings! I am Emperor Xglrfx of the plant Qrdspln and soon you will bow before the power of OUR chess club!”
• “According to sensors, the object is either an uncharted rogue asteroid, or a really delicious lemon custard pie.”
• “You can if you like, stranger, but no one’s ever managed to tame ole Lightning. That’s one mean gerbil.”
• “Now, nothing can stand in the way of my ambition to become the tenth greatest hat salesman of all time!”
• “Those fools! When will they ever learn? THREE cranberries, not two! THREE!”
• “Tired of the same old Thanksgiving leftovers? Try making this adorable mashed potato end table instead!”
• “Sometimes at midnight during a full moon you’ll see it, the ghost of Grimold Hall, floating down the hall checking Facebook.”
• “And then I heard a strange, disembodied voice groaning, ‘Where is the shoe store? Where is the shoe store?'”
• “My dearest love, just seeing you causes my heart to beat 13.7% faster than its normal resting average.”
• “Ah, I see the problem, Sir Galahad. That part of the armor goes on your FOOT.”
• “O great sage of the mountain, I have passed many trials to come and ask your wisdom: canola or vegetable oil to make fries?”
• “Now hold on thar, pardner, did yew want remoulade sauce on them oysters, or not?”
• “Why, this must be the least not unlikely thing to have never almost failed to not quite happen!”
• “Well Mrs Smith, in the future just remember the advice about not sticking Q-tips too far into your ears also applies to camels.”
• “I’m afraid the prognosis is grim. It’s advanced earlobe disease.”
• “Red alert! Raise the shields! Put on the Groucho glasses!”
• “I am terribly sorry for this, I TOLD them the aardvark was supposed to follow the tap dancers.”
• “Quick! Engage the nictating frabjuration generator! The Zycosclemians are bladforbing their glilglagl projector!”
• “Well, Detective, based on body temp and degree of rigor, I’d say the murder happened in days of yore.”
• “Observe, Watson– only a blue-eyed man would leave footprints like these!”
• “I wish I could say everything will be finn— er, everyping will be fine— I mean, everything wlt ba fing— but clearly I can’t.”
• “My client denies these charges, but is willing to plead guilty to the lesser offense of using glitter in a room with a carpet.”
• “Aye, Jim-lad, the Sea’s a treacherous place, as full o’ danger as an overpriced cupcake.”
• “I’ve tried to make it work, John, I really have. But I can’t trust you when you say things like that about integral calculus.”
• “The dragon is slain— now to muck out its lair.”
• “Yes, it’s very impressive, but where do you put the handles?”
• “There can be no doubt, Frodo— this IS the paper-clip holder of power.”
• “Well yes, of course, but surely you can’t use a *live*  chicken for that, right?”
• “Careful! That’s one angry, dangerous butterfly.”
• “Courage alone will not avail you on this quest, O knight. For this quest requires pedantry. Endless nitpicking pedantry.”
• “I’m calling you out, Sheriff. Main Street, high noon. And you better bring your pinking shears.”
• “The children were sleeping all snug in their beds, while visions of self-regulating steam valves danced in their heads.”
• “Oh boy! Socks and underwear are exactly what I asked Santa for!”
• “This is the new AXJ-57Q. We call it the ‘Exterminator.’ It’s nuclear powered and can crochet at a range of 100 miles.”
• “I have perfected my time machine, Jenkins! It will travel into the future at a rate of sixty minutes per hour!”
• “Okay, but apart from the warthog, how was the ballet?”
• “I am Thermalman, with the power to raise the temperature of an average-size room by 0.5 degrees for an hour or so!!”
• “Doggone it, the lightning’s done spooked the herd! A thousand head o’cattle all calling the crisis hotline at once ain’t pretty.”
• “I’m the Sheriff of this here town, and I’m telling you you’re in the wrong genre, Sir Lancelot, so you’d best move along.”
• “This makes five, Detective. Five hamsters swapped for gerbils this week— and still no clue who’s doing it!”
• “Mr Sulu, set phasers on annoying and kind of itchy.”
• “We’ve established orbit around Jupiter. Throw out the anchor and furl the sails.”
• “Admiral, we have the Spanish Armada trapped in the harbor! Now all we have to do is pour in the Jell-O mix and they’ll be stuck!”
• “My colleagues laughed at me, called me mad. Mad! But my new discovery proves I was right— stick insects ARE left-handed!”
• “Your mission, 007, is to sneak into the Russians’ most secure facility, and photograph their knitting patterns.”
• “All parents face the question of when to teach their child how to use their industrial-grade ball-bearing maker.”
• “What do you mean it was a typo? NOW what am I going to do with all these yaks?”
• “It was all so sudden, officer— we were arguing, he used metalepsis when he should have used hypocatastasis— and I just lost it.”
• “Here’s your problem, all right. Your engine’s running low on eels.”
• “All right team, this is where it all pays off. The months of practice, of hard work— now get out there and remove that appendix!”
• “Brave knight, you have shown valor and honor. Receive your 5% discount coupon to participating taverns (some restrictions apply).”
• “Captain, sensors detect an object on a collision course… it appears to be a cartoon frog singing ragtime songs.”
• “No, cauliflowers do not have livers.”
• “I never imagined the greatest threat to ever face the world could begin with a penguin getting into a box of crayons.”
• “No, no, no, the lizards go on the INSIDE!”
• “Oh, the Johnsons’ house? They live two doors down, on the left, across the Forbidden Plain and past the Cavern of Doom.”
• “I’m leaving you, Jeff. It’s not that I don’t love you… it’s just that I can’t get past the lamprey.”
• “I have returned to reclaim my homeland from the vile usurper! All loyal subjects, rally to my side! And bring lots of corn oil!”
• “I am Morgon the Mildly Ominous, ruler of vague visions and unimportant portents!”
• “Turbos to full power— open the dampers— engage booster rockets— put skillet over medium-high heat and saute onions until brown.”
• “Brave Sir Knight, beware, for the dragon is fierce and wicked, and has hacked the Facebook account of many a warrior before you.”
• “I warn you, that road is cursed! All who travel on it break their shoelaces ere they reach the end!”
• “You fool! You’ve forgotten to activate the carrots!”
• “Behold! I have invented the least expensive paperclip in the world!”
• “The lava flow is headed straight for us! Quick— get the marshmallows! I’ll get the chocolate and graham crackers.”
• “Olives don’t have feet.”
• “I’ll admit it seems foolish in hindsight, but hiring a coelocanth as my accountant seemed like a good idea at the time.”
• “But in order to do that, you’d need the WHOLE llama, wouldn’t you?”
• “Oh my darling, you have the most beautiful hair. Especially strand number 83,046 from the left.”
• “I may have had the motive, Inspector, but I could not have done it— I was having my otter tuned and I can prove it!”
• “Captain to all hands. We’ve entered orbit around Rigel VII. Landing party, saddle your horses and prepare to go ashore.”
• “We have only one chance— procrastinate! Procrastinate as if your life depended on it!”
• “All right men, tonight you parachute behind the lines in Normandy. Check your gear, and don’t forget your suntan lotion.”
• “The way this crime scene looks, the killer would have to have 5 arms and eyes on his feet. So that narrows it to just 2 suspects.”
• “Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me twenty bucks, and I can pay you back on Tuesday.”
• “Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears! I promise to have them surgically reattached when I’m done with them.”
• “Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears! I’d also like a lease with option to buy on your spleens.”
• “Friends, Romans, Countrymen— would it kill ya to just listen to me for, like, two freakin’ minutes? Fer cryin’ out loud.”
• “Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears! I come to bury Caesar, not name a salad after him.”
• “Yes, it seems like an ironclad alibi— until you remember that when trout play chess, they always choose the black pieces!”
• “You fool! Didn’t you know ostriches make bad accountants?”
• “Howdy, pardner. Set yerself by the fire and join us fer some grub. We got a big mess o’ prawns in a white wine truffle sauce.”
• “There’s never a good time to tell someone it’s pronounced ZY-lophone.”
• “Team One: at 0600 you will execute a precision HALO jump into the center of the city, and buy the donuts. Remember: no sprinkles.”
• “Oh Mary darling, no one metabolizes oxygen and carbohydrates into carbon dioxide and water as beautifully as you!”
• “Eureka, Jenkins, I have succeeded at last in devising an infallible method for resharpening used toothpicks!”
• “Yes, Colonel, it’s a brilliant plan to break the enemy’s defenses— but where are we going to get that much popcorn?”
• “Our only hope is to trim his eyebrows before it’s too late!”
• “I can’t understand why my business failed… I checked, and NO ONE else was offering to paint mustaches on goldfish.”
• “Oh Mary darling, no other woman’s eardrums vibrate so beautifully as yours!”
• “No, you fool! The other platypus! The OTHER platypus!”
• “Strike Team Alpha, the target is at point Bravo on the east slope. Start preparing your spitballs, and make them soggy.”
• “Yes, I’ve always had one. Noses run in my family.”
• “Our only hope is to carefully and closely watch this paint dry— no matter how long it takes.”
• “Your reasoning is sound, Watson, but for one fact you have overlooked: oysters do not leave footprints.”
• “Whoah there, pardner, let’s rustle up a mess o’ grub, set ourselves down, and reconcile the multiple debenture calculations.”
• “Hooo-eee! That’s some mighty delicious foie gras!”
• “Besides, I already did the other kidney in plaid.”
• “Nurse, administer 10 cc’s of lidocaine, in a beschamel sauce garnished with parsley.”
• “Indeed your armor is strong and shines brightly, Sir Galahad, however that part is mean to go on your FEET.”
• “The Talisman lies hid in the Cave of Convenience, beyond the Desert of Easy Crossing, atop Mount GentleEasySlope.”
• “Captain, we’re entering orbit around Rigel IV. Sensors show them doggone cattle rustlers are hiding out on the 3rd moon.”
• “Watson, the case will be solved if we can answer just one question: where in London can an otter buy a toupee?”
• “Oh Mary darling, I love you more than 85.39% of all other women.”
• “I’m sorry, I never mean for any of this to happen— the finger puppets were supposed to be delivered to my other address.”
• “At dawn on the solstice, the shadow of the stone pillar points out the secret door. That’s where I dropped my contact lens.”
• “Well of course it’s possible, but why would you WANT to do a thing like that with an abacus?”
• “Sir Lancelot, I charge thee with this quest: boil this pot of water, sometime in the next hour or so.”
• “Let’s proceed. Scalpel— scissors— some suction there, please— good— now attach the Groucho glasses to it—”
• “Cucumbers do not have spleens.”
• “At 0800 Bravo company will attack from the north, Charlie company from the south. We’ll finally have that @#$% gopher surrounded.”
• “I agree it’s an inconvenient symptom, Mr Johnson, but look on the bright side— you’ll no longer need an umbrella.”
• “Aye that’s a leprechaun right enough. Bit of a surprise, you don’t often catch ’em at the laundromat.”
• “Tremble, criminals, for I am Amazing Man and I have the mysterious power to grow my fingernails at nearly twice the normal rate!”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! I’ve finally discovered the formula for my oatmeal cookie-based fusion reactor!”
• “Er, no, nothing’s wrong, it’s just… well, I wasn’t expecting you to be wearing stilts.”
• “Oh Mary, darling, your voice has the hum of a hundred thousand volt transformer.”
• “This, brave knight, is the Elixir of Power. Drink, and you will be invincible. Here also is Diet Elixir of Power.”
• “This town ain’t big enough fer the two of us, Sheriff. So I reckon we best annex that Lakeside housing development.”
• “I hoped we might reconnect. But I know now I can never forgive my parents for their interpretation of quantum string theory.”
• “I am Zargax the Conqueror! Tremble before me! Now I, and I alone, will decide the pricing policy at this fabric store!”
• “You can’t do this! We were friends once! Try to remember the man you once were— before you bought the earthworm farm.”
• “Now aim carefully and squeeze the trigger gently. Okay, good, but next time try squeezing it with your finger.”
• “How could things have gone so terribly wrong? All I did was tattoo an aardvark, how could I know where it would lead?”
• “Oh Mary, darling, no CAT scan of a diseased lung can rival the fascination I feel for you!”
• “Well, of course I’d love to help, but I don’t think I can find a cummerbund that wide.”
• “The average orbital speed of Jupiter is 13.06 km/s. April fools! Ha-ha! It’s actually 13.07! And you fell for it! Ha!”
• “I’m afraid your husband’s condition is touch-and-go. We won’t know for 24 hours whether that hangnail will need to be clipped.”
• “So, Professor Jenkins, my old nemesis, we meet again! But this time I’ve equipped my particle accelerator with a plaid duvet!”
• “No, Watson, Lord Granger’s son cannot be the killer. A 3-week-old baby cannot aim a howitzer so accurately.”
• “007, there’s only one way to stop the nuclear attack. You must spend 235 minutes repeating ‘bingo boingo’ as fast as possible.”
• “What’s wrong with me, Doctor? Every morning I wake up with a headache, feeling all run down, and with an extra two arms.”
• “That was very impressive, Mr Smith, but we’re just not hiring trapeze artists for our accounting department.”
• “Oh Mary darling, you are like a bay leaf in the stew of my heart!”
• “Whoah there, pardner, yew’ll have to leave yer elephant tied up to the hitchin’ post outside.”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research I have finally discovered why people fear serial killers!”
• “Well Detective, I’ve never seen a crime scene like this before. I didn’t even think and aardvark could FIT in a drinking straw.”
• “Arrgh! Even I, Captain Amazing, cannot thwart this evil scheme! I must call my ally, Fiduciary Calculations Man!”
• “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite hear you— did you just say ‘xprqnzzngaxx?'”
• “Captain, a giant tentacled space monster has entered orbit around Earth— and it refused the chocolate gift box we sent.”
• “Cherry blossoms glow
  The sun overhead is bright
  This line has the wrong number of syllables.”
  #HaikuDay
• “Some things scar you for life, and I’ve never been able to eat Parmesan cheese. Not since that Parcheesi game with… the pun.”
• “Captain, we’ve entered orbit around Rigel IV, but we don’t have any change for the parking meter.”
• “Why no, Mr Bond, I expect you to diet.”
• “O knight, in reaching here you have shown average skills and moderate courage. The costume jewelry of Castle Ordinary is yours.”
• “Oloric the Wizard, I admit I lack wisdom; when you spoke of the artifact of power I did not expect it to be a whoopie cushion.”
• “Team, we’ve just become the first crew ever to land on Jupiter. Everyone break out your yo-yos!”
• “It’s a dream come true! Ever since I was a child, I dreamed of becoming the weekend night watchman of this gravel quarry!”
• “General— the Yankees have camped at Whakamolee Creek, and they’re performing La Boheme with an off-key tenor!”
• “My fault, my fault. I thought you’d realize I meant ‘prosopopoeia’ figuratively.”
• “Action News is live, reporting on what’s being described as the second largest waffle disaster in history.”
• “We must have switched messages. This is not a job for Superman, and somewhere, Grammar Nitpicking Man is trying to cap a volcano.”
• “I know, you tried to warn me. It’s just that when you yelled ‘duck!’ I thought you were telling me to move.”
• “I’ve seen a lot a crime scenes, detectives, but this is a new one on me. So if you could help get it off me, that’d be nice.”
• “Oh Mary darling, how I remember the first time I set eyes upon you, and you said ‘Ewwww!’ and threw them back to me!”
• “Captain Nemo, your submarine is truly a marvelous invention, but I must say constructing it of paper-mache was a poor choice.”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! I’ve invented the world’s first popcorn-propelled interplanetary spacecraft!”
• “Captain, according to these sensor readings, the object is a chocolate cream pie the approximate size of Jupiter.”
• “Excess belly button lint is an extremely rare medical condition. Indeed I’ve never seen a case reach 2 liters a day before.”
• “No, no, when I said you need to tear down the walls around your heart, I meant it figuratively.”
• “Last I saw, it was right underneath me. It’s bound to turn up— there’s only so many places a rogue parquet floor can hide.”
• “I know hunting season is over, but I had no choice. I swear to you, Game Warden, that earthworm was charging right at me!”
• “No, you fool! I said ROGUE, not ROUGE!”
• “It’s a good plan, General, but where will we get a pimento that size?”
• “They laughed at me, called me mad— MAD! But I proved I was right— my new thermos really does keep coffee hot 1.2% longer!”
• “All right men, we’re storming the beach at 0600. And this time, no clown costumes! Do I make myself clear?”
• “Yes, it’s very impressive, but perhaps you could demonstrate your chainsaw juggling after the heart surgery is over, doctor?”
• “Ma’am, I’m Detective Smith, this is Detective Jones. We need to ask you some questions about the… risotto incident.”
• “Captain, that photon torpedo damaged the ship’s sewage disposal system— now pressure’s building and it’s about to blow!”
• “Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband fell victim to that rarest of medical problems— spontaneous fingernail detonation.”
• “Oh Mary darling, of all the hair on your head, I love strand #286,377 the most!”
• “Sheriff, that outlaw’s got the whole town mighty skeered. If’n you don’t do something about it, he’ll take our entire okra crop.”
• “Captain, according to sensors the Klingons just mooned us.”
• “It’s a breakthrough, General! We’ve developed a warhead that can be carried by a properly trained garden slug.”
• “The polls have closed and we can declare a winner— America’s next president is Jubbly Q. Jugglemuffin!”
• “On the planet Xpwerp, we have none of these ‘anchovies’ which you seek.”
• “If we don’t stop this maniac, Detective, he’ll TP every tire store in Abilene!”
• “Oh Mary darling, you have the most beautiful whorl patterns in your fingerprints!”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! I have discovered a previously unknown use for talcum powder!”
• “You fool! I said colonel, not kernel!”
• “Every villain in the world will have to pay ME, now that I’ve cornered the market on mustache-twirling cream! Nyah-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
• “So, my old nemesis, we meet again— but this time *I* have the poppy seed bagel!”
• “In hindsight, 007, wearing your secret service ID badge while trying to work undercover was probably not a good idea.”
• “Now pay attention, 007. An ordinary ballpoint pen— but filled with a unique ink capable of writing on stewed cabbage leaves.”
• “That’s right, 007, unless your government pays the ransom, my ultra-laser will destroy the entire world supply of pinking shears!”
• “Oh Mary darling, you are truly one in… oh, about two or three.”
• “Set yerself down and hear a tale, the story of Big Jim Putey, the greatest spittoon cleaner to ever roam the Old West!”
• “So you see, Watson, Lord Melbury could not have committed the crime— not without five times the supply of squid ink that he had.”
• “If you go forward, O knight, be warned— fail to vanquish your foe, and you will surely feel kind of itchy for an hour or so.”