Dialog Unlikely To Be Used, volume 2

Greetings faithful readers: to those of you following my History of the United Colonies series, sorry about the delay. While I’m aiming for a weekly post, last week I had a home repair emergency and this week I had Christmas. Next week I’ll definitely have the next installment up, as the offworlders we met during the “Hiccup” deal with the consequences of Alexander Monroe’s election as Terran President. Meanwhile, here’s the second archived volume of my daily Twitter series, “Dialog Unlikely To Be Used.” —Keith Goodnight

• “I can’t believe we survived that mile-high climb up the sheer canyon wall! Is it too late to say we need to be on the other side?”
• “Yeah, here’s your problem. This pipe is cracked and you’re leaking Dalmatians everywhere.”
• “Oh Mary darling, your eyes are as green as a putrefying liver!”
• “I want a divorce, George. No matter how much you say you’re sorry, I can never forgive what I saw in our squid tank.”
• “Send forth your mightiest champion to meet ours in single combat, and let that, not clashing armies, show who keeps the puppy.”
• “I am Sir Marvin, Accountant of the Round Table! Show me your ledgers, evil wizard, and I will tally them all!”
• “Some say his ghost still haunts the castle, roaming the halls at night in search of his lost Monopoly set.”
• “I love you but this can never work, we’re too different. I’m a certified helicopter maintenance technician, and you’re a carrot.”
• “This is the greatest intelligence coup of the Cold War! We have finally obtained a copy of the Kremlin’s pound cake recipe!”
• “I’m a private eye. I was in my office when a dame walked in. Said she’d lost her library card. I knew that meant trouble.”
• “Earthlings! The Xlgjorb empire will blast your planet to oblivion— unless you hand over all your backgammon sets immediately!”
• “Director— the reactor’s gone critical! It just told Jenkins he has a bad haircut!”
• “They laughed at me, called me mad! Mad! But the last laugh will be mine! Igor— activate the raisins!”
• “Aye, Cap’n, there’s a squall brewin’ sure enou’. We’d best lower the tops’ls and secure the fo’cstle and stock up on apostrophes.”
• “My family’s always been associated with the sea. Sailors, fishermen— Grandpa Nick’s all-sponge rodeo…”
• “Parting is such sweet sorrow. But with savory overtones, and it could use a pinch more salt and some cinnamon.”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! My gene-splicing research has finally produced the seedless sponge!”
• “The Secret Chamber of Xilptql is ready. Let the Ritual of Power begin! Now, who has the marshmallows?”
• “Our restaurant serves only the finest grease-and-weasel stew!”
• “Oh Mary, darling, I love you more than all the Wingquist self-aligning ball bearings ever manufactured!”
• “Stranger, this town ain’t big enuff fer the two of us. So let’s go to City Hall and vote to annex the Lakeview district.”
• “Igor, I am about to complete my Mega-Destructo-Electro-Death-Ray— so stop knitting duvet covers and come hold this wire!”
• “Sheriff, them rustlers have struck agin! They’ve gone and stampeded my entire tree sloth herd!”
• “Nothing will stand in the way of my ambition, do you hear? Nothing! That pair of socks will be mine!”
• “I’ve wanted this all my life, and now, my dream has come true— I’m the weekend night foreman of a toothpick factory!”
• “No, Captain Awesome won’t stop my master plan! Soon every glass of lemonade on Earth will be insufficiently sweetened!”
• “After years of research, I have succeeded in recreating Abbot & Costello’s ‘Who’s on First’ routine in the form of haiku!”
• “Be sure to build your thog with lots of sturdy flud and zurg. Then it’ll stand up to the harshest glizmatics.”
• “Yes, the kingdom will be mine, and I will rule for all Eternity! Just as soon as my new socks arrive.”
• “O Great Sage of the Mountain, I have come to you seeking your infinite wisdom. Do you know where I left my car keys?”
• “O great sage of the mountain, I have come seeking your infinite wisdom. Can you tell which device this power adapter goes with?”
• “O Great Sage of the Mountain, I have come seeking your infinite wisdom. How can I achieve a life of bemused resignation?”
• “O Great Sage of the Mountain, I have come seeking your infinite wisdom. What’s your favorite fan fiction?”
• “Oh Mary darling, I care more for you than the median level of caring I experience for the population at large!”
• “The fools! How many lives must be lost before they stop building houses out of banana pudding?”
• “Igor! Fetch the dental floss! Quickly!”
• “Marshall Dillon! Those goldurned outlaws went and held up the bank, and got away with every spitoon in the place!”
• “Captain, the Romulans are mooning us!”
• “That storm’s headed right for us! Lower the mainsail! Batten the hatches! And tell the crew to stop that chainsaw juggling!”
• “No, don’t go that way! All who travel that haunted road end up unpleasantly damp!”
• “I have a plan to stop the volcano from destroying the village! First, we’ll need a lot of Kleenex.”
• “Arr, Mateys, now that the treasure map be in our hands, no scurvy dogs can beat us to the lost Parcheesi set of the Incas!”
• “I’m gonna practice cleaning this aquarium every day until the contest! The World Championship of Aquariuming will be mine!”
• “I grow weary of your foolish bravado, Captain Awesome. So take off the Groucho glasses and try the heroic speech a second time.”
• “My time machine works, Jenkins! Now at last I can go back and find my sunglasses!”
• “They laughed at me, called me mad! Mad! But I’ve proved them wrong: my new rubber band stretches 0.5% farther than any other!”
• “Oh, no, he’s got the anchovy! He’s got the anchovy!”
• Haiku Unlikely To Be Used:
  • A bright summer day.
    The breeze ruffles the shining
    Mildew deposits.
  • Down in the meadow
    Slugs eat all the tasty grass
    They are delicious.
  • A wafting breeze blows
    Through the lug nut factory
    As it goes “Clank! Clank!”
  • My heart aches with pain
    The lobsters have eaten all
    The marshmallow peeps.
• “I know it sounds incredible, General, but it’s true. A swarm of giant atomic mutant hamsters is headed our way this very moment!”
• “Why you low-down, ornery claim-jumper! I’m the one who discovered this umbrella mine, not you!”
• “Scalpel… retractor… good… watch his vitals closely, Dr Jones. Now, nurse, hand me the pinking shears.”
• “We are ready to begin the heart transplant procedure. Will somebody escort these accordion players out of the OR?”
• “Sir Lancelot, it is a difficult quest— you must capture the dragon, not slay it, then use its fire to make the royal s’mores!”
• “Why, those fools! When will they learn you can’t make nuclear control rods out of penne pasta?”
• “Well, Big Jim, the shrimp herd’s lookin’ ornery tonight. Yep, mighty ornery.
• “I am Sir Eugene, Keeper of the Grocery Store of Camelot.”
• “Vinnie, when I said to make the storekeeper an offer he couldn’t refuse, I didn’t mean give him 10 million for a can of Pringles.”
• “Tell me, Monsieur Poirot, have you formed any theory as to how the killer concealed an ocelot inside the victim’s clown costume?”
• “For too long the Morning People have run the world. Now the rebellion begins! Before dawn, we hide ALL the keys!”
• “Mmm, that’s some delicious salamander!”
• “No, you fool, THAT button unlocks the broom closet!”
• “The storm is at its peak! Quick, Igor! Attach the electrodes to the pickle, and we will finally prove they can be used as lamps!”
• “My colleagues laughed at me, called me mad. Mad! So I took off the kangaroo costume and repeated my talk, and it was much better.”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words. ‘Son,’ he said, ‘I’ve been your uncle a long time, and you’ve always been my favorite cousin.'”
• “Yes, Frodo, this is the Support Hose of Power, which Sauron lost long ago.”
• “I am Sir Eugene the Usually Sleepy, and I will undertake this quest right after my nap!”
• “But that would be impossible until *after* you dyed the chicken pink, wouldn’t it?”
• “I remember the last thing Grandpa ever said to me. ‘My boy, be careful adding the activating solution, because it might blow u–‘”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘My boy, no matter where you go in life, never tell anyone about the mustache farm.'”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘My boy, 37 is greater than 23.’ Words to live by, indeed!”
• “The prophecy is fulfilled, that one day a wandering knight would stumble across the castle, and leave without changing anything.”
• “Oh Mary darling, of all aerobic organisms in the world, none converts oxygen to carbon dioxide like you!”
• “At last Igor, my creature is complete. All that remains is the whipped cream topping!”
• “They say the ghost still roams the moors, forever crying out ‘Where? Where is my leopard-print scarf?'”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘My boy, tighten flange C one quarter turn before attaching bracket F.’ Words to live by!”
• “So, my old nemesis, we meet again— but this time it is *I* who have a ready supply of drywall anchor bolts!”
• “Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O! And on this farm he had a Paraceratherium transouralicum, E-I-E-I-O!”
• “No! That is not the proper way to inflate a piano.”
• “Bad news, General. The giant atomic mutant Brussels Sprouts have broken through our defenses and are approaching the city!”
• “O Mary darling, it’s so cute the way your hair and fingernails grow at roughly the same rate!”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘Collect paperclips, my boy. Wherever you go, collect paperclips.'”
• “He never shoulda turned his back on ’em. Ya gotta be careful when yer wranglin a tadpole herd. Mighty careful.”
• “Now wait just one gol-durned, cotton-pickin’ minute! That there’s an invalid Eigen vector and ya’ll know it right well enough!”
• “Now hold on thar, pardner, yew need ta rewind the bobbin ta do cross-stitchin’ on that thar sewin’ machine.”
• “I know the bad grammar is embarrassing, Mr Jones, but look on the bright side– how many people’s big toes learn to speak at all?”
• “Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there lived a beautiful princess whose pet tree sloth suffered from mange.”
• “We’re running out of time! Quick— activate the howler monkeys!”
• “Greetings, Earthlings. We of planet Qrtlxpzn come in peace, desiring only to taste the free samples in your grocery stores.”
• “That volcano’s about to blow, and our miniature golf course is right in the path of the lava!”
• “Hear me, mortals, I speak to you from the Great Beyond… Canned tuna is $0.03 cheaper here than at Kroger.”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘My boy, don’t stick your face in a blender, it’s not as fun as it seems.'”
• “Engineering reports no damage, Captain, the llama missed us by a mile.”
• “Whoooo-eee! That’s some delicious wombat!”
• “My time machine works! Glad I got that out of the way so I can get back to work on improving waffle-iron efficiency.”
• “We haven’t been introduced. The name’s Squidgen Q. McZurgleplertz, private eye.”
• “We must be cautious, Smythe, legend says the natives of this remote jungle use their spreadsheet software to deadly effect.”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘Don’t put your lips on that, you don’t know where it’s been.’ Words of wisdom!”
• “So, Stapleton, you were the traitor! I should have known it— only an enemy spy would wear velvet overalls!”
• “Quick, Igor— fetch the pudding!”
• “007, your mission is to go to Istanbul, take photos of famous historical sites, and post images of local cuisine on Facebook.”
• “Careful! These animals are deadly pack hunters. You don’t want to be caught in a brine shrimp feeding frenzy, believe me.”
• “Sheriff, this town ain’t big enuff fer the two of us. So I’m a-callin yew out. Main Street, high noon— and bring yer ukulele!”
• “Guard! Quick! This guy’s trying the old sick prisoner gag to get you to open the cell! Come in here and laugh at him with me.”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! My formula proves once and for all that lobsters are larger than kumquats!”
• “You have not fooled Poirot, monsieur! It was you, and not Lord Melbury, who failed to return the library book on time!”
• “Oh we’re off to see the Dentist, the wonderful Dentist of Oz!”
• “Mrs Smith, we’ve taken your husband to the ICU. We’ll do everything we can, but… we’ve never seen a hangnail this bad.”
• “Mrs Smith, only one thing can save your husband— intense, gripping medical drama! Everyone wave paddles and yell ‘clear!’ Stat!”
• “Mrs Smith, your husband’s surgery was going well until… well, I’ve just never seen a gall bladder attempt escape before.”
• “Well, in hindsight it certainly appears tofu was not the right choice of building material for the Moon base.”
• “Igor, are you telling me when I sent you out to find a brain for my creature, you brought back a bowl of truffle fries?”
• “We annoy each other but keep meeting by chance. Clearly we’re the Romantic Leads. Let’s just accept it and get on with the plot.”
• “Sometimes I lie awake at night thinking, ‘Is this all there is? I though I got the 16 ounce size.'”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! My calculations prove that I can drive my interstellar spacecraft with the force of popping popcorn!”
• “You’ll be training on the latest military hardware, that’ll take the lead at Iwo Jima. Marines, this is the A-357 Attack Tricycle.”
• “Colonel, it’s an ingenious idea for moving an army with minimal transport vehicles. But can we combat-train clowns in time?”
• “I’ll talk! I’ll tell you anything! Just— not the cotton candy! For pity’s sake, not the cotton candy!”
• “No, you fool, THIS button launches the Mars mission! THAT one deploys the puppies!”
• “I, Garvox the Implacable, challenge the puny humans of Earth— Send your mightiest champion to face me in a game of Tiddly Winks!”
• “After decades of meditation, I’ve finally discovered the meaning of life! It’s a noun referring to the state of being alive.”
• “I agree it’s an ingenious battle plan, General, but where will we get lollipop that size?”
• “Regretfully, we reject your submission to the Journal of Quantum Physics, as we do not accept papers written on slabs of bacon.”
• “I’m the Sheriff of this here town, Stranger, and round these parts we don’t take kindly to them what use the wrong salad fork.”
• “Ah, the open road! Under the broad sky, crossing the rolling hills and plains, and lightly drizzled with lemon butter!”
• “We’re calling in a pulmonary specialist for your husband’s case, Mrs Jones, we’ve never treated someone who inhaled a piano.”
• “Jenkins, you fool! That is not the proper way to inflate an aardvark!”
• “Captain, we’re losing power! We’ll never make orbit unless we all blow harder!”
• “Mrs Jones, we discussed your husband’s case with every specialist in the hospital and they all agree: he is kinda goofy.”
• “Detective, the coroner ruled it a suicide. You have nothing to investigate. So stop painting those rabbits and get back to work.”
• “We know the army is suffering at Valley Forge, General Washington, but we simply can’t supply that much Silly String.”
• “Professor, stop your experiment! If that reaction gets out of control, it’ll destroy everything in a radius of three centimeters!”
• “Name’s Thug P. McFistPunch, and I wanna interview wit’ youse guys fer the quilting job.”
• “To defuse the bomb, you must cut the BLUE wire first, then the red, then wash the okra, and then you can remove the detonator.”
• “In all my years as a homicide detective, this is the first time I’ve ever seen a case of uvula strangulation.”
• “Ah, Thanksgiving memories! Dad carving the turkey, Grandma’s stuffing recipe, Uncle Ted’s trained ocelots performing ‘Rigoletto…’”
• “Oh yeah, here’s your problem all right. You haven’t used enough paprika in the carburetor.”
• “This is our last chance, and we’re out of time. We have to go now! Everyone ready— grab your big toes!”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘My boy,’ he said, ‘what in tarnation is that blue doohickey on top of that other thing?'”
• “Colonel Carter, you will lead your battalion to take hill alpha from the enemy. Issue your men their Boston cream pies now.”
• “You see, Doctor, I suffer from crippling anxiety attacks during which I fear that Arctic Terns are stealing my drill bits.”
• “So, my old nemesis, we meet again— but this time the mimes answer to me!”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! My research proves conclusively that hangnails can be an inexhaustible source of energy!”
• “Pardner, we done told you to watch fer quicksand alongside the river. No one but yerself to blame fer losing your Mah Jong set.”
• “You don’t understand, if I don’t get this promotion, then all my hopes and dreams will be largely unaffected!”
• “The storm is at its peak— quick, Igor, toast the marshmallows!”
• “The funeral will be at four, Mrs Johnson. Where do you want the clowns?”
• “Oh Mary darling, our hearts beat as one! So, we must disconnect these wires before we can go on.”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! After years of research, I have finally perfected my pudding recipe!”
• “After painstaking historico-archaeological research, we can now firmly date the collapse of this civilization to days of yore.”
• “O Mary, darling, your eyes are like the two humps of a camel. Or a dromedary. Wait, which one has two humps? I always forget.”
• “Now pardner, yew handle that chuck wagon gen’rally fine but round here we don’t hold with beef less’n it’s cooked ‘en papillote.'”
• “I’m not telling you how to live your life, but making your anti-shark cage out of anchovies is probably a bad idea.”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! After years of research I have finally discovered why there are no nudist colonies in Antarctica!”
• “Please do not panic. The ship is not sinking. Turns out, that was a marshmallow rather than an iceberg.”
• “O Mary darling, for you I would climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest ocean, empty the fullest spittoon!”
• “Captain! Um, the sensor thingy is, uh, showing that, like, one of those Romulan dohickeys is, um, uh, kind of off to the left.”
• “Men, the landing at Omaha beach will be the most important battle of the war. So I want to see your tuxedos neatly pressed!”
• “O Mary darling, you have a beautiful nose! Of course I know that noses run in your family.”
• “O John darling, your many compliments are more lame than anyone else’s!”
• “I am Sir Garvin the Sleepy! Bring forth your most powerful mattresses, foul sorcerer, and I will rest upon them all!”
• “And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight, ‘Merry Christmas to all, please tell us your experience in this online survey!'”
• “Aw, gee, Mom, what’s with all the toys, didn’t I get any socks or underwear?”
• “So we’re trapped behind enemy lines, we trusted you to carry our entire supply of ammunition, and you ate ALL of it?”