Dialog Unlikely To Be Used, volume 3

The entirely dramatic and very serious History of the United Colonies will return next week; meanwhile, here is another in the occasional series archiving my daily Twitter posts of dialog you will probably (though not certainly) never hear in any actual story:

• “While it is a unique power, the ability to make snails crawl at twice normal speed doesn’t qualify you for the Justice League.”
• “You never supported me growing up! You were never there for me as a child! And don’t tell me it’s because we only met a week ago!”
• “I’ve lost my favorite quill pen, so we’re going to have to call off the Mars mission.”
• “Chief, we’ve called out every fire and rescue unit in the city to no avail. Only a pastry chef can save that trapped man now!”
• “This ‘un’s jest about the same as that ‘un, mutatis mutandis, pardner.”
• “O Mary darling, my New Year’s resolution is to find a way to compliment your pancreas, which is one I haven’t done yet!”
• Recipe Unlikely To Be Used : Pan-seared ice.
• “007, if you fail in this mission Spectre will gain a world monopoly on playground equipment!”
• “Igor, you fool! This is linguine!”
• “I’m sick of criticism for making my house of straw! No one even mentions the fourth little pig who made his out of dog biscuits!”
• “They laughed at me, called me mad. Mad! But the last laugh will be mine! Igor— release the mimes!”
• “No more excuses about your unhappy childhood! Your peach cobbler recipe is no one’s fault but your own!”
• “Detectives Smith and Jones, ma’am, with the Imaginary Crime Unit. Can you describe the elf you thought might steal your purse?”
• “You’re my one true love, but it’ll never work out. We haven’t gone on a date yet and we’re only 5 pages from the end of the book.”
• “Git outta town, you yellow-belly, and if’n I ever set eyes on you agin, they’ll prob’ly roll off— so jest you be careful!”
• “Hear now the ancient song of my people: ‘Feelings! Whoa whoa whoa, feelings!'”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! After years of painstaking research, I have invented a left-handed Pez dispenser!”
• “I’m a specialist in diseases of the pancreas and I’ve never seen a case like this. How long has it been singing folk ballads?”
• “The Chemistry teacher might know what to do, but I’ve never seen a student’s spelling test go so bad it burst into flames before.”
• “This is all my fault, all my fault. The battalion fought with courage and honor. If only I hadn’t forgotten the jello!”
• “You see, Watson, from the shape of these toenail clippings we can deduce it was Lord Melbury who took out the insurance policy!”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘My boy, never trust a man with an oscillating multi-tool.'”
• “Captain, we’ve entered orbit around Rigel VII, but the anchor chain is stuck.”
• “Guard it with your life. It’s no exaggeration to say this is the most important bottle of non-dairy creamer in the world!”
• “Igor, you fool, I said the creature needed a *brain*! What am I going to do with all this granola?”
• “There’s still time— you are the finest team of combat accountants ever assembled. So tabulate! Tabulate like the wind!”
• “O Mary darling, you have the most enormous feet!”
• “The name’s Doe. John Doe, generic detective. I investigate the routine, the ordinary, the run-of-the-mill.”
• “Objection, your honor! This is a murder trial, please instruct opposing counsel to stop speaking in limericks!”
• “Okay boys, Louie will keep the getaway car running. Mugsy, you’ll crack the safe. Vito, you make the s’mores.”
• “You’re telling me that with the entire resources of SAC-NORAD at our disposal, we still can’t stop that cat from getting in here?”
• “Hello? Yes, speaking. Yes… yes… yes… no, ocelot comes before otter. …Yes… yes… that’s right. Goodbye.”
• “O Mary darling, of all the hair on your head, strand number 346,283 from the left is the most luxurious!”
• “You see, when that creature bit him, it passed on its terrible curse. Now, at every full moon, he too becomes a wereslug.”
• “Your honor, the credibility of the witness is always at issue, and his toupee is not fooling anyone.”
• “You were so unfair to me when we were children! *I* wanted to be the one to activate the particle accelerator, just once!”
• “Oh come on! Other evil sorcerers get spells using newt’s eyes and dragon blood. Why does mine require belly button lint?”
• “Verily we share thy love of childhood joy, Sir Garvin, but doubtest we that Vikings may be halted by thy fort of sofa cushions.”
• “In retrospect, I agree that making the anti-shark cage out of dried anchovies was a bad idea.”
• “Curses, foiled again! But next time, Captain Awesome, I *will* prevail, and every choreographer in the world will answer to me!”
• “Igor you fool, I said BRAINS! Now what am I going to do with all this track?”
• “Warriors! Before you embark upon your sacred quest, we honor the ancient tradition by performing the ceremonial hokey-pokey!”
• “Woe! Woe! Alas for these terrible tidings that have come upon us! This yogurt is past its expiration date!”
• “Beware this opponent, Apprentice. He is a master of that rarest and most deadly of martial arts, Earlobe-fu!”
• “Halt, varlet! Thou art poaching in Prince John’s woods! Deny it not, I see the brace of accordion pelts hanging by thy side!”
• “It was a hard life. Up at the crack o’ dawn. I’d milk the cows, Sis’d feed the hens, and course Pa’d crochet a new tractor cozy.”
• “The volcano’s erupting! And the lava flow is heading directly for the banjo factory!”
• “As an ER doc, I’ve seen a lot of kids get beads or buttons stuck in their noses… but a whole camel? That’s a new one on me.”
• “Oh the fools, when will they ever learn? How many times were they warned, always have a spare otter?”
• “Admiral, we’ve searched the entire aircraft carrier stem to stern, top to bottom, and we still can’t find your rubber ducky.”
• “Name’s Jake Colt, private eye. I knew the dame who slinked into my office was trouble— could tell from how she held that orrery.”
• “Oh sure, but what about those of us who worked in the Great Haberdashery of Alexandria? No one’s ever sorry about THAT!”
• “But no, Watson— you have overlooked the fact that aardvark’s noses are never that precise shade of pink!”
• “But General, for an airlift of that magnitude we’ll need more than just the troops wearing propeller beanies.”
• “Oh Mary darling, how can I ever explain how much I love you? I’ll try semaphore.”
• “We’re getting a message— it’s in Morse code, it could be the trapped submarine! It reads: S-E-N-D-M-O-R-E-A-N-C-H-O-V-I-E-S.”
• “Not the pencil holder! For pity’s sake, not the pencil holder!”
• Movie Unlikely To Be Produced: “Batman Vs. A Can Of Expired Sardines.”
• Movie Unlikely To Be Produced: “The Martian 2: Stranded in Idaho.”
• Movie Unlikely To Be Produced: “Harry Potter and the Muggle Tax Return”
• “You thought it the perfect crime, but like a thousand murderers before you, you underestimated the elasticity of ballet tights!”
• “Forsooth, whate’er the russet light of dawn hath o’ercrown’d with glinting rays while soundeth loud th’ iPhone’s ringtone?”
• “Oh Mary darling, your fingernails grow at such a charming rate!”
• “Captain Awesome, if you don’t stop the Evil Overlord’s plan, a dozen people will be mildly uncomfortable for a whole half hour!”
• “The timing is surely a clue— it’s no coincidence the murder happened while the victim was grooming his pet sloth.”
• “On the fifth day from the solstice we set out across the Great Water, in search of the fabled land legend calls Lubbock, TX.”
• “Stranger, you best turn around an’ walk back outta town the same way you came in. That’s how we do things here in Palindrome.”
• “Important the Knights were. But the Jedi Manicurists— powerful keepers of good grooming were they, powerful.”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, never be ultracrepidarian but rather employ synecdoche in all your persiflage.'”
• “Objection, your honor! The defense is being totally icky!”
• “General— the invasion has met with disaster! The report says, ‘Intelligence reports faulty. Enemy not here for pillow fight.'”
• “We need to cross that river before the enemy occupies the other bank. Troops, activate your propeller beanies!”
• “Sometimes I lie awake at night, frozen with existential terror, as I ask myself, over and over, ‘What about the ferrets?'”
• “So, Sir Galahad, let our trial by combat begin, to decide once and for all who can dry paint faster!”
• “Pay attention from now on! When I ask a rhetorical questions I expect an answer PROMPTLY!”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘Who turned down the #@$% thermostat? It’s freezing in here!’ Words to live by, indeed.”
• “I would have gotten away with it, too, if not for you and your trained flock of Splendid Fairy Wrens!”
• “Igor, you fool! I said BRAINS! My creature’s already got an appendix!”
• “It’s very well-written, Mr Jefferson, but perhaps we could change the third item to something other than ‘the pursuit of bacon?'”
• “You fool, you’ve added too much oregano to the nuclear reactor! We’re all doomed!”
• “Good Lord, that’s the second biggest olive I’ve ever seen in my life!”
• “Incredible, Smithers! We have discovered a Lost World, where primeval beasts still roam– a survival from the Age of Sponges!”
• “Well it’s a remarkable invention, Jenkins, but what use is a time machine that only takes you to 15 minutes late for dinner?”
• “Now hold on thar, stranger, yew’ve fergotten to carry the one on that there actuarial table!”
• “Rest now; at dawn we ride— and when we ride, we ride hard, we ride far, and we ride while practicing our juggling.”
• “Oh Mary darling, even the green fuzz on your teeth is sexy!”
• “Ah, we were young and carefree then… remember that time in Rio, when we got wasted and reseated a flange bearing at 16°?”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘My boy, “bacon jerky” is actually just bacon.’ I try to live by those words of wisdom.”
• “I actually wanted to be an accountant, but when your parents name you Vorgax the Destroyer, Evil Overlord’s your only choice.”
• “Nay, I am not the Angel of Death come for you— I am the Angel of Slightly Tired at the End of a Long Day!”
• “They laughed at me, called me mad! Mad! But they’ll regret mocking me when my atomic olive pitter conquers the culinary world!”
• “Being a Detective’s like doing a jigsaw puzzle, except the corners aren’t… I mean, because you start in the… oh never mind.”
• “Though I love you, I can never marry you— you see, I must dedicate my life to the quest for the perfect toenail clipper!”
• “Quick! We’ve got to stop Lord Vorgax before he starts stopping the starting stopper from stopping the start of the showstopper!”
• “This is surely the least unlikely thing to almost fail to not quite entirely happen!”
• “Why, you low-down yellow-belly, I oughta take this here shootin’ iron and really tranquilize yer penguin with it, yew hear me?”
• “Godfather, it ain’t an undercover cop! It’s a dragon!  A real live dragon, and it’s throwin’ cream pies at us!”
• “As I look back over my life, I have only one regret: that I never completed my collection of antiperspirants of the world.”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! I have invented the world’s first combination X-ray spectrophotometer and accordion!”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! After years of painstaking research, I have finally succeeded in dissolving salt in water!”
• “This is the gravest crisis I have ever faced in all my years as a rutabaga inspector!”
• “Team A will make a frontal assault. Teams B and C will attack the flanks. Team D will mess with the enemy’s credit rating.”
• “I’ve had it up to here, Madge, I’m filing for divorce. The drinking, the affairs… but the bombardier beetle was going too far.”
• “This is the worst peril to ever threaten Anytown— Ultraman has a cold, and if he sneezes it’ll take out the whole city!”
• “In all my years as a podiatrist, that’s the first time I’ve seen one of those explode.”
• “Today we 20 brave souls embark our expedition to find the fabled source of Trickle Creek, said to lie a full quarter mile uphill.”
• “We’ve consulted every specialist in the hospital and they all agree— it *should* have whipped cream on it.”
• “O Mary darling, the fingernail on the third finger of your left hand is the most charmingly clipped of all!”
• “True, Lady Peinforte had motive— but she can’t have committed the murder. An 80-year-old woman can’t throw an elephant that far.”
• “Look at that guy, he’s so sexy! I can never resist a man in a propeller beanie!”
• “I used to have nightmares about it. Everyone did, who lived through that terrible day, the day the Brussels Sprouts fought back.”
• “Now, you can’t say you misunderstood my advice, Dr Frankenstein, ‘Two heads are better than one’ is a common figure of speech.”
• “Mrs Smith, we’ve consulted every specialist in the hospital and they’re all agreed: his toupee is completely unconvincing.”
• “I am Sir Lancelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table, and I aim to clean up this here one-horse town!”
• “Hoooo-weeee! There ain’t nothin’ tastier than a heapin’ platter of piping-hot penguin gizzards!”
• “Eureka, Jenkins, my new discovery will change everything— so that from now on it’ll be spelled everithyng!”
• “Tremble before me, mortals, for I am Vorgax, the Annoyer of Midlevel Insurance Actuaries!”
• “Maybe I’m just an ol’ country boy, but I don’t hold with calculatin’ Eigen Vectors ‘cept by usin’ the Lanczos Algorithm.”
• “Heed my words! Fire and darkness will fall upon the land! Crops will fail, the people starve— and then, the ducks will come.”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of painstaking research I have devised a method for training lizards to tango!”
• “Nothing will stop me! I WILL become the first person ever to reach the summit of Mt Kilimanjaro in fuzzy bunny slippers!”
• “Oh Mary darling, your liver removes toxins from your blood in the cutest way possible!”
• “At night, sometimes I lie in bed and dream of granola.”
• “Our full-service attendants will fill your tank, clean your windshield, and fix the story problems in your current manuscript.”
• “I’d have gotten away with it, too, if not for you meddling highly-trained, professional police detectives!”
• “Captain, the only way to start the warp engines now is several hundred man-hours of important but largely routine maintenance!”
• “Log entry: Ship becalmed for 13 days, no end in sight. Crew is restless. Supply of after-dinner mints almost exhausted.”
• “Log entry: Ship now becalmed for 14 days. Fresh water running dangerously low. May have to cancel tonight’s water balloon fight.”
• “Log entry: ship becalmed for 15 days. Crew despondent, poetry slam lackluster.”
• “Log entry: ship becalmed for 16 days. Crew worried we may be forced to eat the goldfish.”
• “Log entry: ship becalmed for 17 days. Supplies of accordion-cleaning oil almost exhausted.”
• “Log entry: ship becalmed for 18 days. Crew near to despair, have gone through all the Trivial Pursuit cards twice.”
• “Log entry: ship becalmed for 19 days. First officer suggests the only way to save the ship now is to actually raise the sails.”
• “I demand a million bucks, a plane to somewhere with no extradition, and the cops to stage a performance of Troilus and Cressida!”
• “This is the police, Mugsy. We’ve got the place surrounded. So put down the celery and come out with your hands up.”
• “Code blue in OR 3! Start CPR! Charge the defibrillator paddles! Start a large-bore IV with 10% Hollandaise sauce stat!”
• “The situation couldn’t be more dire. The ship is sinking, there aren’t enough lifeboats, and we’re a whole ten yards from shore!”
• “Watch fer rustlers along this trail, pardner. We got us a thousand head o’ Bos taurus they might be fixin to steal.”
• “Mrs Smith, we’ve discussed your husband’s case with every specialist in the hospital, and they all agree: that is an ugly tie.”
• “Fear me, criminals and all who follow evil, for I am Avuncular Man, and I will take you down in an adult yet kindly manner!”
• “Igor, you fool! You made me lose count! Now I have to make the creature’s toenails all over again!”
• “Yes, your plan sounds likely to succeed, but how would we get that many noodles before the volcano erupts?”
• “In all my years as a Captain, this is the one thing I hoped I’d never have to say: ‘Freempop globnik bibble thog xyperqizzl.'”
• “You’ve got to move faster, we’re running out of time— I don’t want to have to tap into my collection of rare, antique minutes!”
• “I can’t believe he fell for that— hey Aragorn, do you think he’ll buy it if we say ‘Hey Frodo, there’s also Sauron’s earrings?'”
• “Aye, thar blows the white whale! I’ll get it this time! Load the paintball guns with proper whale color and be quick about it!”
• “The invasion will begin at dawn. I want all gear prepped and ready to go, and that includes the bernaise sauce.”
• “So, Captain Awesome, my old nemesis, we meet again— but this time, your baklava recipe will not be enough to save you!”
• “We’ve got to hurry— Count Evil’s Electro-death Ray is aimed right at Cityville and it’ll fire in only 1,085,562 hours!”
• “Igor, you fool! I don’t care if it’s healthy, my creature needs the brain of a Nobel-prize-winning genius, not a bag of quinoa!”
• “When the dame slinked into my office, I knew she was trouble. Said she needed a private eye. Someone stole her bagpipe music.”
• “They laughed at me, called me mad— mad! But the last laugh will be mine, when my marshmallow-powered robot conquers the world!”
• “In all my years as a detective, this must surely be the tenth most puzzling case I’ve ever worked. Maybe even the ninth most.”
• “Eureka! My new quantum collector not only accumulates Higgs bosons in bulk, it dispenses them in a delicious white wine sauce!”
• “Surely never before in history have so many lives depended on the flinging of one rubber chicken!”
• “I tossed back a slug of Jack Daniels while I cleaned my .38. I’m a private eye. Name’s Lancelot. Sir Lancelot of Camelot.”
• “Hold on thar, young ‘un, that ain’t the way to lasso an unruly steer. First off yew just cain’t make yer lasso outta pasta.”
• “Sir, I regret to say the board has voted against you. Our new corporate headquarters will not be a ‘wicked cool’ treehouse.”
• Movie Unlikely To Be Produced: “Captain America Clips His Toenails”
• “Man the guns! Raise the Jolly Roger! Let every ship upon the waves learn to fear the dread pirate ship Snugglemuffin!”
• “Here’s the situation— the train’s hurtling out of control, and it’s carrying enough mayonnaise to cover the city 6 feet deep!”
• “My senses reeled with the horror of alien geometries in the ruined city of Nyarlathotep… where my dessert fork had but 3 tines!”
• Movie Unlikely To Be Produced: “Star Trek: Quarterly Starship Supply Requisition Review”
• “O Mary darling, no one’s nucleoside diphosphate kinases synthesize adenosine triphosphate as beautifully as yours!”
• “Mrs Smith, we’ve consulted every specialist in the hospital and they all agree: only a Lexicographer can save your husband now.”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘My boy, the Scharfenburg coupler is a superior design to the WABCO N-type.’ Such wisdom!”
• “No! I’m sorry you misunderstood, but your parapsychology degree doesn’t mean you get to do therapy while jumping out of airplanes.”
• “Just when it seemed all was lost, we realized we had forgotten about the gerbils!”
• “Fear me, all who follow evil, for I am Indecisive Man, and I have the power to capture criminals, or not!”
• “For reasons too complicated to explain now, the fate of the free world depends on the outcome of his pillow fight.”
• “Guards! Throwing the hero in the darkest dungeon always ends the same way. Try locking him in the rumpus room instead.”
• “You fool, you’ve doomed us all! That’s the lever that reclines the La-Z-Boy!”
• “Incredible, Smythe, the artifacts our dig has uncovered finally reveal the dark truth behind the origin of doorknobs!”
• “Are you telling me we came all this way, and you forgot the otter?”
• “Yes, sometimes we have to summon Godzilla to fight an even more destructive monster. But General, this was just a stray cat.”
• “I’m sorry, General, on the Godzilla Threshold for giant moths, the trigger wingspan is measured in kilometers, not millimeters.”
• “Yes, General, this time you summoned Godzilla for exactly the correct type of monster. But… that was just a photo from 1973.”
• “O Mary darling, I love your hair, your eyes, your ski— wait, what’s that? Eeewwwww! You should have that looked at.”
• “If we don’t find Patient 0 in the next 6 hours, we could have a global pandemic— 6 billion people involuntarily singing karaoke!”
• “When he was bitten, the creature passed on its deadly curse— now, on every night with a full moon, he becomes a were-platypus!”
• “Tremble before me, Earthlings! For I am Lord Vorgax, the Fluffer of Pillows!”
• “C’mon, we’ve been in worse situations than this! If we don’t lose our nerve, we WILL get to the front of this checkout line!”
• “C’mon, we’ve been in worse situations than this! At least this time the enemy’s only shooting bullets instead of garlic butter.”
• “C’mon, we’ve been in worse situations than this! Have you forgotten the time with… the haiku?”
• “Nay, we did not scorn your offer. But the price you asked was too high; and what you offered was also on sale at Best Buy.”
• “Oh no! He drained the bathtub *backwards!* We’re all doomed!”
• “It’s so hard to say Goodbah… I mean Gadbye… I mean Boodgye… I mean… oh for cryin’ out loud, see what I mean?”
• “Sometimes when the night is long and dark, I lie in bed and think, ‘But what about the ferrets? What about the ferrets?'”
• “It was a noble dream, but you let it become an obsession, and I’m out. I’ll no longer be a part of your aquatic all-fungus rodeo.”
• “This is serious— there’s no redundancy for the main power coupling. No redundancy at all. No backup. No spares. No redundancy.”
• “You’re too late, Bond! Within minutes I will control every #3 Phillips-head screwdriver in the world!”
• “When the full moon comes on the even of the solstice, the Old Ones demand sacrifice! Accept now our 3 bags of lawn clippings!”
• “O Mary darling, your eyes are the vivid green of a stagnant pond full of rotting fish!”
• “Gandalf used an AF36 light attack eagle for Isengard exfiltration prior to ELFCOM briefing on RRM (ring removal mission).”
• “When will they ever learn? How many times have we warned them, don’t make skyscraper foundations out of pudding?”
• “But wouldn’t the chicken have to be pink for that to work?”
• “Paramedic unit 34 to county ER, we are 5 minutes out, patient is a 45-year-old male with a 3rd degree boo-boo.”
• “They laughed at me, called me mad. Mad! But the last laugh will be mine, when I deploy my army of mutated flying laser guppies!”
• “Them’s fightin’ words, stranger. Better watch yerself afore someone puts a weasel in your pickle barrel, ya hear?”
• “Oh no! I left my pancreas back in the minivan!”
• “Deadly warriors, the Kryzoids. You’ve not known fear til you’ve seen their eyes, peering over the rims of their battle aquariums.”
• “The village never stood a chance when the Kryzoids attacked. They were relentless, merciless— and used the plastic bubble wands.”
• “The Kryzoids now hold both sides of the river. And they’re pouring in the gelatin at an alarming rate.”
• “The Kryzoids continue to advance on all fronts, selling timeshare vacation property to conquered populations wherever they go.”
• “Enough! Until now we’ve held back out of common humanity, but there’s only one thing that will stop the Kryzoid menace: banjos.”
• “Sir! Sir! Our banjo divisions have met the Kryzoids— and they’ve countered with tambourines! Nuclear-powered tambourines!”
• “And so, with the fate of humanity hanging in the balance as the Kryzoids advanced on all fronts, the final hoe-down began.”
• Insult Unlikely To Be Used: “Your left navicular bone is all lumpy!”
• Insult Unlikely To Be Used: “Ha! When you speak ancient Etruscan you do it with a pronounced first century Latin accent!”
• “They laughed at me, said I was mad— mad! But they’ll regret dismissing me when my army of atomic mutant cucumbers attack!”
• “O Mary darling, no one fills notebooks with long lists of palindromes as obsessively as you!”
• “We must press on, make it over the mountain pass before winter comes, or else we’ll be too late to join the Bingo game.”
• “Granted, but that still doesn’t explain the ocelot spleens in Lord Melbury’s desk drawer!”
• “You have insulted the Emperor! For your treason, there can be but one punishment— Guards! Bring forth the harmonicas!”
• “I’m the only one who knows the truth. Kill me, and you’ll never find out— was the grand piano really filled with sardines, or not?”
• “Aye, Mr Queequeg, thar blows the white whale! Lower the longboat, and start the Strauss waltzes!”
• “Strange to think how, after all the twists and turns of fate, the destiny of the world depended on one properly mixed Mint Julep.”
• “You know, that’s scheme’s just bland enough to work!”