Writing

Dialog Unlikely To Be Used, volume 5

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Hello, everyone! It’s time for another collected archive of my daily Twitter post, “Dialog Unlikely To Be Used.” Enjoy!

  • “O Mary darling, I simply can’t imagine life without you, unless it is silicon-based, which of course is mere speculation.”
  • “Billy Jones Smith, you listen to me and stop playing with those spent nuclear fuel rods this instant, do you hear?”
  • “Admiral! The pirates, possessing a plethora of purple perforated pennants, have pierced the port passageway with powerful pikes!”
  • “So the Armada’s going to start shelling the port in two hours, and our only defense is this fort you made from sofa cushions?”
  • “To a man, da men of Amanda’s Armada man da main armored amandine armadillo.”
  • “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘Kard aghnutai mai vidanti manum akvams agantam.’ I’d look up a translation, but— meh.”
  • “After years of tactical/strategic analysis, I have finally found the perfect countermove to the ‘Your shoelace is untied’ trick!”
  • “Earthlings! I am Vorgax the Destroyer, Lord of the Kryzoid Empire! I wonder, could you get my nephew a job at an insurance agency?”
  • “No can do, all the marshmallows are allocated to the Normandy invasion.”
  • “It’s time to face reality. We only have a half an hour before the volcano erupts, and the mattress store is already closed.”
  • “King Agamemnon, the plan is good— but might have a better chance of success if we build the horse out of wood instead of pudding.”
  • “No no no, THIS is the button that launches the Mars mission! THAT is a dried-up Lima bean someone left on the console!”
  • “I am Sir Lancelot of Camelot, board-certified proctologist.”
  • “Sheriff! Sheriff! Them goldurned outlaws have stolen all the lace doilies!”
  • “All right, go! But I’m warning you, if you walk out that door now, you’ll end up in the next room!”
  • “Beware, Smythe— legend has it a savage tribe lurks in this jungle, infamous for making their potato salad with expired mayonnaise!”
  • “I love you, but it will never work between us. Not while you continue to criticize my onomatopoeia.”
  • “If we don’t find and quarantine patient zero in the next three hours, he could infect almost five people with toenail fungus!”
  • Fairy Tale Unlikely To Be Told: “Snow White and the Seven Urologists”
  • Fairy Tale Unlikely To Be Told: “The Tortoise and the Sea Cucumber”
  • Fairy Tale Unlikely To Be Told: “The Emperor’s New Earlobes”
  • Fairy Tale Unlikely To Be Told: “The Miller’s Daughter’s Second Cousin’s Brother-in-Law’s Grandfather’s ex-Wife’s Uncle.”
  • Fairy Tale Unlikely To Be Told: “Beauty and the Slightly Less Beautiful But Still Reasonably Handsome Guy.”
  • Fairy Tale Unlikely To Be Told: “Sleeping Taxidermist”
  • “When I said romantic attraction begins with the brain, I didn’t mean it would help to swap your skull for a transparent glass jar.”
  • “Look, Igor— it’s alive! It’s alive!! It’s ALIVE!!! At last, I can claim a dependent on my taxes!”
  • “You can’t kill me, I’m the only witness! Without me, no one else will ever know it was Don Corleone who painted that trampoline!”
  • “I have been patient with these peasants long enough— Guards! Unleash the tree sloths!”
  • “O Mary darling, I take you for granted more than anyone else!”
  • “Well, I see where you went wrong. The recipe called for four eggs, but you used five. Also, it didn’t mean Faberge eggs.”
  • “Knights of the city! Send out your champion to meet ours in single combat, and let that decide who called the last donut!”
  • “Everything went blurry. I couldn’t stand up. The gangster had slipped me a Mickey! And I’d been hoping for a Donald or a Goofy.”
  • “Oh, I’m sorry, did I tie-dye your platypus?”
  • “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research I have finally succeeded in inventing the asparagus-flavored maraschino cherry!”
  • “Stop licking that fusion reactor this instant, you don’t know where it’s been!”
  • “You young whippersnappers, get off my lawn! *I* was going to eat that!”
  • “General, we have the perfect battle plan! Let’s throw some of our stuff at the enemy’s stuff!”
  • “Eureka, Jenkins, after decades of research I have succeeded in making the thingy bend toward the doohickey!”
  • “Look out! The otter’s got the vermouth!”
  • “Yes, with hindsight using the gerbils was a mistake. But we were all out of forks.”
  • “No, I meant the *vanilla* pudding. Now reload your slingshot and try again.”
  • “All that work attaching microphones to dried grapes, and it turns out the professor said he wanted to hear my *reasons*.”
  • “Troops, tomorrow you parachute into occupied France. Your mission is to seize the artificial eyelash factory outside of Amiens.”
  • “Really, Mr Darcy, I’m sure it is improper for a gentleman such as yourself to propose while dressed as a giant stick of butter.”
  • “Disaster, General! The enemy has seized the laundromat and now their uniforms are all fluffy with a delightful fresh scent!”
  • “This is the AR-Q36 weapons-grade marshmallow. When fired from a Mark V rifle, it does twice the damage of an ordinary marshmallow.”
  • “Of course I hate the nickname! But people have called me ‘Buns’ ever since… the ostrich incident.”
  • “It would take too long to explain— just trust me. If you overcook these scrambled eggs, we’ll have to cede Dayton, OH to Iceland!”
  • “At last I have translated the hieroglyphics! Smythe, listen to this— ‘Apply spray to infested areas and leave room for 3 hours!'”
  • “Aye, ol’ Bill was ne’er a good pirate. But he allus kep’ tryin’. He’d say ‘Q!’ or ‘S!’ …he jus’ couldna get the hang of it.”
  • “Oh, Frederick! I forgave you for the affairs, for the drinking, for the gambling, but now an accordion? That’s going too far!”
  • Recipe Unlikely To Be Prepared: Lard and Cardboard Soufflé
  • Recipe Unlikely To Be Prepared: Cheesy Hydraulic Pistons
  • Recipe Unlikely To Be Prepared: Old Fashioned Grease and Armadillo Casserole
  • Recipe Unlikely To Be Prepared: Chicken Spackle Soup
  • Recipe Unlikely To Be Prepared: Tarantula Smoothie
  • Recipe Unlikely To Be Prepared: Flame-broiled Sno-cones
  • “I’ve had assistants mess up before, but this! You’re not leaving until you clean all the marshmallow off those ball bearings!”
  • “I see your mistake, Imhotep: it is impossible to build a pyramid starting with the top.”
  • “No, you fool! That button inflates the warp drive!”
  • “You may think you’ve won, 007, but I still control the marshmallow peeps!”
  • “O Mary darling, you have the most brightly-colored mitochondria of anyone on Earth!”
  • “Well obviously there’s been a miscommunication. My dispatch said ‘attack the enemy divisions,’ not ‘pet the fluffy bunnies.'”
  • “Captain, the alien spacecraft is closing rapidly— and they’re arming their rubber band guns.”
  • “To defuse the bomb, clip the red wire— but be careful! Do not blow the harmonica while you do it!”
  • “No, I said the JUMBO shrimp. These won’t work in the carburetor.”
  • “To be or not to be, that is the question. Not ‘to bee or not to bee’ so stop messing around with that hive.”
  • “My strategy is unbeatable! The time for the attack has come— message to all field divisions: give the puppies their lollipops now!”
  • “Oh no, this is a disaster! One of the 9000 fedoras they shipped us is actually a trilby!”
  • “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘Hand me that bunion cream, would you?’ How his wisdom has stayed with me!”
  • “I was in grad school, looking for a thesis project, my major professor said, ‘Victor, how about reanimating the dead.’ Who knew?”
  • “My colleagues laughed at me, called me mad. Mad! But I’ve shown them— I have grown a carrot shaped exactly like Ohio!”
  • “It’s an ingenious invasion plan, General, but can porcupines really eat that much vanilla custard?”
  • Haiku Unlikely To Be Recited:
    “A fine summer breeze
    Anvils wafting overhead
    Clank! They fall. Clank! Clank!”
  • Haiku Unlikely To Be Recited
    “Sorrow engulfs me
    The snails have failed to bring me
    Their mahjongg pieces.”
  • Haiku Unlikely To Be Recited:
    “The autumn leaves fall
    But the fuel manifold
    Is clogged with Cheez-wiz.”
  • Haiku Unlikely To Be Recited:
    “There is a problem
    The syllable count is wrong
    This is not a haiku.”
  • “I say, Smythe, the mummified corpse of Pharaoh Imhotep II appears to be stealing your laundry soap.”
  • “All right, Mugsy will cover the guards while Vinnie blows open the safe. Meanwhile, Frankie will bring up the getaway unicorns.”
  • “It was at this point, we believe, that the fondue pot achieved escape velocity.”
  • “This is the situation: we have less than 2 weeks to restore a 1970s level of popularity to shag carpeting, or the world is doomed.”
  • “Those fools! When will they learn, no good can come of equipping chickens with warp drive?”
  • “Scotty, we need more power to the warp engines NOW! We’ve got to catch that chicken!”
  • Captain, sensors indicate the chicken has changed course and is heading directly into Klingon space.”
  • “We’re finally catching up to that chicken! Mr Chekov, arm the photon rotisserie!”
  • “We have to face facts. There are 300 people on this plane and the pilot is incapacitated. We’ve got to find some granola, fast!”
  • “Your division will move left and turn the enemy’s flank. You must take that factory, it supplies 83% of the enemy’s lace doilies.”
  • “I knew the dame was trouble the moment she slinked into my office and said she needed a private eye. Because I’m a haberdasher.”
  • “You fool! You put butter in the reactor coolant system? I told you to use shortening!”
  • “I am Sir Lancelot of Camelot, and I am here to polish your accordion.”
  • “The murderer is— you! Yes, you were the one who laid in wait for Lord Melbury, you who put the trained sloth in his sock drawer!”
  • “My dearest, in all these years there’s been one thing I’ve been afraid to ask: just what the heck is a Janney knuckle coupler?”
  • “Luke, I am your father’s second cousin’s grandmother’s uncle’s step-sister’s nephew.”
  • “So, my old nemesis, we meet again— but this time *I* have the fondue pot!”
  • “We’ve got to find that tree frog before the trumpet solo ends, or we’re all doomed!”
  • “Avast thar! Hoist the Jolly Roger! Run out the cannons! Mount yer horses! Save money on insurance! Don’t run with scissors!”
  • “O Mary darling, you have the most elegant capillary net of any circulatory system on Earth!”
  • “That’s no moon— that’s a chafing dish!”
  • “Captain, we’ve entered orbit around Rigel IV but the anchor chain’s dragging.”
  • “O great sage of the mountain, I have journeyed far to seek your wisdom on the proper methods for fig tree cultivation.”
  • “This is an emergency! Quick, everyone start doing things and stuff!”
  • “Not that way, you fool! That’s where the plankton’s hiding!”
  • “Chaos erupted on Broadway today as stampeding wildebeest smashed into the Sullivan Theater and staged a production of Rigoletto.”
  • “Okay, Will, so it was a typo, and not what you meant. I still think it works better with Ophelia as a woman rather than a wombat.”
  • “Your mission is to fly deep into enemy territory and take out the propeller beanie factory in Hamburg.”
  • “Arr lads, thar sails the Spanish Galleon a-loaded wi’ treasure! Run out the cannons an’ alert the mimes in the tops’ls!”
  • “To defuse the bomb, you must clip the red wire. But— and this is vitally important— do NOT fall off the unicycle while you do.”
  • “I’d love to, but unfortunately I don’t have a lunchmeat tuxedo.”
  • “I’m the Sheriff in these here parts, Stranger, an’ round here we don’t hold with folk who make their hosses do their own banking.”
  • “Soon my Electro-Death-Mega-Ray will destroy Metropolis! So for the last time, stop using it to heat up your ramen noodles!”
  • “Soon Captain Awesome will be destroyed and I, Nemesis Man, will control every toothpick factory in the tri-county area!”
  • “Every year, on the first full moon after the solstice, the creature appears, stalking the night, bending all paper clips it finds.”
  • “Now pay attention, 007. See: a perfectly ordinary scanning electron microscope. But press here, and it becomes a cheese grater.”
  • “All right then, go! But if you walk out that door, I’ll see to it you never redecorate another aquarium in your life!”
  • “Tell me Mr Holmes, if the victim was stabbed, how do you account for the marbles concealed in his waffle iron?”
  • “I remember when I was a boy, when the circus came to town, and we’d all dream of running off to join its accounting department.”
  • “This is serious— the world hasn’t faced a crisis this grave since the last time it did!”
  • “You know I love your writing, Will, but in the new play I think Richard should say ‘My kingdom for a horse,’ not ‘for a sloth.'”
  • “At last I have discovered Captain Awesome’s weakness! He’s completely vulnerable to having his nose hairs yanked!”
  • “It’s a remarkable strategy, General, but we really can’t equip every soldier with a grand piano.”
  • “O Mary darling, you have the most lovely— wait, you’re not Mary, you’ve got one too many eyebrows.”
  • “Well, here’s your problem: you replaced all the high-performance capacitors with cubes of raw liver.”
  • “This may be the most important assignment you’ve ever had, 007, so please put down the accordion and pay attention!”
  • “Yes, it was a tragic accident, he was just on his way to the solar telescope store when he hit his head on a passing duck.”
  • “You almost got away with it— but like a thousand criminals before you, you forgot there’s only one ‘o’ in ‘soccer!'”
  • “Why, that goldurned low-down polecat! That backstabbin’ sidewinder! He’s done rustled my whole otter herd!”
  • “I thought my battle plan was perfect. I accounted for every contingency. How could I have known the enemy would bring waffle irons?”
  • “I know it upset you, Will, but do you really think audiences will come to see ‘The Tragedy Of The Muffin I Accidentally Dropped?'”
  • “I am Sir Lancelot of Camelot, board-certified helicopter maintenance technician.”
  • “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research I have finally invented a pizza with an ejection seat!”
  • “Earthlings! The Kryzoid battle fleet will bombard your world from orbit— unless you reveal the secret of your knitting patterns!”
  • “Calling all cars, robbery suspect on the loose. Suspect is on foot, carrying a grand piano and three gold-plated anvils.”
  • “It’s over between us! You never really loved me, you just wanted to drive my steamroller.”
  • “I’m a goner, Sarge, you gotta go on without me. I’ll hold ’em off as long as I can— leave me your accordion.”
  • “Here on this unexplored plateau, primeval beasts from the dawn of time still lurk— yes! This is the Lost World of Sea Cucumbers!”
  • “But Captain Proton, your Electrowave Hypership will never catch up to Lord Vorgax if you launch without the tubas!”
  • “Bad news, General, the enemy have deployed their elite strike force of fully armored battlekittens.”
  • “I remind you that you’re under oath— isn’t it true that you were the one who trained the tree frogs to do the tango?”
  • “Luke, I am your accountant.”
  • “I’m Detective Smith. Sorry to trouble you at such a time, but I have to ask: where was your husband before the lobster attacked?”
  • “General, we’ve completed our survey of troop morale, and can report that 75% of the division is distinctly sesquipedalian.”
  • “Pardon me, Madame, your sledge hammer is dripping on my french fries.”
  • Statistic Unlikely To Be Useful: The number of fingernail clippings required to make a life-size replica of the Eiffel Tower.
  • Statistic Unlikely To Be Useful: Combined mass of chess sets owned by left-handed Paraguayans.
  • Statistic Unlikely To Be Useful: Percentage of US citizens with the word “Ratiocination” tattooed somewhere on their bodies.
  • Statistic Unlikely To Be Useful: Number of hours required to teach an average tree shrew the tango
  • Statistic Unlikely To Be Useful: Percentage of Emperor Penguins that would really enjoy Brussels Sprouts if they just tried them.
  • “I say, Smythe, bad show! You’ve allowed your top hat to become alarmingly coated with broccoli.”
  • “Your skill is amazing but I still have to flunk you from barber school. Customers don’t want each hair cut lengthwise.”
  • “No, when we land at Normandy I do not think wearing ‘Kiss the Cook’ aprons will trick the German army into not shooting at us.”
  • “I, the Guru of the Mountain, am often in deep meditation. If you wish then to converse, press my nose and loudly say ‘BEEP!'”
  • “I, the Guru of the Mountain, after years of deepest meditation upon the Mysteries, have finally devised a form of spray-on karma!”
  • “I, the Guru of the Mountain, after years of searching for the truth within, now know the answer— I *would* like fries with that!”
  • “But what about the gerbils? Oh dear Lord in heaven, WHAT ABOUT THE GERBILS?”
  • “O Mary darling, I love everything about you, but especially your collection of ocelot tongues!”
  • “Ah, those lazy summer days, when we’d go down to the fishin’ hole, catch a mess o’ catfish, and dress ’em up as ballet dancers.”
  • “Yep, pardner, thar’s only one thing’ll stop a stampede once them cattle get runnin’: the sight o’ two muskrats doin’ the tango.”
  • “You just don’t get what it was like to grow up poor! We had no fancy cars, no mink coats— and our only penguin was untrained!”
  • “I am Sir Lancelot of Camelot. Have you had your roof inspected recently?”
  • “No, that’s not a double entendre, I really do want you to look at my serial distribution node.”
  • “We must act now! The enemy are fortifying their positions as we speak, and we haven’t even begun collecting the sofa cushions!”
  • “A shock like that’ll really glaze your lug wrench, that’s for sure.”
  • “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research I have finally discovered how to sugar-coat an electron microscope!”
  • “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘My boy, always strive for success. Or not. Whatever.’ I try to live by his wisdom!”
  • “Imagine, Smythe, when this door opens we shall be the first in thousands of years to see Pharaoh Imhotep’s paperclip collection!”
  • “I love you, but it can never work between us. I vowed long ago never to be with someone who runs a ferrochromium refining plant.”
  • “It’s deuced embarrassing for an archaeologist of 40 years experience to ask, Smythe, but is it spelled ‘Pharaoh’ or ‘Pharoah?'”
  • “Well, Victor, it’s an intriguing thesis proposal, but maybe you could try something more ambitious than re-freshening stale bread?”
  • “I am Sir Castic of Camelot, and I’m REALLY thrilled to be rescuing you from this dragon. Sincerely, it’s what I LIVE for.”
  • “This is where we had our first date, remember? I ordered the Brussels Sprouts, and you stapled them to your earlobes.”
  • “We’re all counting on you! You must finish knitting that scarf before the invasion force lands!”
  • “I am Sir Lancelot of Camelot, fictional character, here to rescue you from that gap in your supporting cast.”
  • “Detective Smith, ma’am, I just have to ask a few questions: first, when you saw the tree sloth, was it wearing Groucho glasses?”
  • “My colleagues laughed at me, called me mad— mad! Exactly what I hoped from my stand-up comedy routine!”
  • “Well it’s certainly unique, but I’m afraid that super-uvula is not a power that qualifies you for the Justice League.”
  • “O Mary darling, since the day we met, our hearts have beat as one. But we’ve fixed the pacemaker bug now, so it should stop.”
  • “I can not only identify this mutated giant insect, I can invent the device to defeat it— thanks to my degree in scientificology!”
  • “You fool, Jenkins! I told you! When charging the nuclear reactor, use the *pine-scented* plutonium!”
  • “Captain, there’s only one way we’ll escape the gravitational pull of this Black Hole: we must fill it up with compost before we’re dragged in!”
  • “I love you, but I have vowed never to settle down until I have completed my quest to find the perfect toothpick!”
  • “I wanted to go into interior design, actually, but when your parents name you Vorgax the Destroyer, your career is pretty much set.”
  • “I hereby christen this ship the HMS SieveBottom!”
  • “Quick, take cover! The waffle batter is about to detonate!”
  • “Don’t ever let me hear you using language like that again, young man!  Iambic pentameter is only for the theater!”
  • “The radiation from the atomic tests has transformed these creatures into incredible atomic mutations— it’s the attack of the 50-foot dust bunnies!”
  • “Well, here’s your problem. This wire connecting the reactor control system should be rated for 200 mA, but you’ve used a strand of linguini.”
  • “Somehow atomic radiation has transformed this creature into an incredible mutation! We are dealing with an aphid almost 10% larger than normal!”
  • “You fool! I said DEFUSE the bomb, not DIFFUSE it!”
  • “Detective, a break in the Denmark case! We’ve been stumped by the missing body— but CSI just proved that it melted, thawed, and resolv’d itself into a dew!”
  • “O Mary darling, what would life be like without you? Biochemically much the same as it is with you, I suppose.”
  • “And ever since the night of that dreadful attack, whenever the full moon rises the terrible curse strikes— and against my will, I become a were-limpet!”
  • “O Mary darling, I love your eyes, your hair, your skin— you were right, it WAS a good idea to actually install them.”
  • “Whew, that was a close one! Ten more seconds and the enemy tanks would have crashed right through our pudding cups!”
  • “We’re down 4 points with 10 seconds left on the clock. It’s time for that special play we practiced. Ready? Good— here’s your ukulele!”
  • “Arr, drink up, me hearties, tomorrow we raid the King’s wicker storehouse!”
  • “General! Professor Serizawa has discovered Godzilla’s weakness! The monster is completely naive about Internet scams!”
  • “Son, there’s mistakes and then there’s mistakes. Accidentally detonating your French toast, now that’s a doozy.”
  • “Well, this is partly my fault. When I said ‘Launch the rocketship!’ I should have specified I meant upward.”
  • “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research, I have finally perfected my nuclear-powered waffles!”
  • “And lo, in those days the Sun will darken and the stars fall, and the sky will turn a Scotch tartan pattern, but not the correct tartan for any particular clan.”
  • “And we must not fail, for if the Dark Lord obtains the Citrus Reamer of Power, all the orange orchards of the world will fall under his dominion!”
  • “The Talisman to defeat the Dark Lord lies across the Forbidden Desert, deep in the Forest of Death, by the banks of the River of Sorrow, just past the Rocks of Mild Depression, in the Tower of Vague Disquiet.”
  • “My colleagues laughed at me, called me mad— mad! But the last laugh will be mine, when I reveal my super-powered atomic mutant stand-up comedian!”
  • “Our invasion force lands at Omaha beach at dawn! Alpha company, you carry the sand castle tools. Bravo company, the beach umbrellas!”
  • “According to witness descriptions, the suspect had a 3-foot-long neck, bright purple hair, and only one eye. Going to be hard to find in THIS crowd.”
  • “And now, to bring my creature to life, I must harness the elemental forces of Nature itself! Igor— connect the potato!”
  • “I’ve consulted every specialist in the hospital, Mrs Smith, and they all agree: only a haberdasher can save your husband now.”
  • “The enemy has established a beachhead, and it’s my fault. Apparently I was supposed to deploy a defensive array of mines, not mimes.”
  • “The Dark Lord arises, gathering all the forces of evil to his side, and equipping them with unicycles.”
  • “I have traveled back in time a thousand years to warn you: do not invent the accordion! No matter what happens, do NOT invent the accordion!”
  • “Well here’s your problem— you’ve neglected to update the anchovies in the water heater.”
  • “No, Detective, this isn’t a new victim of your serial killer. This is a steamed lobster with a side of risotto.”
  • “I am Sir Lancelot of Camelot, board-certified veterinarian.”
  • “You don’t understand— the ship is sinking and there aren’t enough lifeboats! And the dock it’s tied up to is a full 18 inches away!”
  • “When they entered the lighthouse, they found no one. Only food uneaten on the table, one chair toppled over, and the mysterious inscription ‘Not the marshmallows!'”
  • “O Mary darling, no one uses nonrestrictive modifiers within recursively nested subordinate clauses as beautifully as you!”
  • “You’ve got to close the beaches! I’m telling you, a rogue smelt has staked out a territory offshore, and it can devour a full grown man in as little as 48 days!”
  • “Entering orbit around Argos IV. Prepare for diplomatic mission. All crew, put on your ceremonial hams now.”
  • “Beginning surgery at 1430 hours. Scalpel… retractor… hemostat… pistachios… good, now the wildebeest.”
  • “Those infected with the Virus become mindless zombies, driven by an overwhelming compulsion to find and destroy all knitting patterns!”
  • “Stick to the plan, guys, and the heist’ll work without a hitch! We’re gonna pull off the biggest robbery of a prosthetic kneecap factory in history!”
  • “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research I have finally succeeded in creating fully-functional cybernetic earlobes!”
  • “My colleagues laughed at me, called me mad— mad! But my nuclear powered shoehorn will show them who is mad and who isn’t!”
  • “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a successful quantum superpositioning of alternate magnetic domains!”
  • “Sergeant! You were supposed to bring the grenades, but this is a grand piano!”
  • “It’s a sign! The Arising of the Dark One is at hand, bringing doom to all who own novelty chess sets!”
  • “Igor, look! It’s alive! It’s alive, it’s ALIVE! Quick— ask it which wallpaper it likes best!”
  • “From the depths of the sea crawls the most deadly menace humanity has ever faced— witness the terror of The Sea Cucumbers of Doom!”
  • “Theirs was a star-crossed love, defying the age-old feud between helicopter maintenance technicians and street mimes!”
  • “It’s a terrible curse that I’ve been— for so many years without— terrible, just terrible things will— if I ever complete a—”
  • “Oh, I want to believe you’re sincere, that you really are ready to make a commitment. But I just can’t take you seriously. Not while you wear that artichoke costume.”
  • “And ever since that terrible night, whenever the moon is full he is overwhelmed by forces beyond his control, driven to calculate multivariate statistics from actuarial data!”
  • “Tonight, the world trembles in suspense as the alien fleet surrounding the Earth has made its first communication— ‘Sorry, someone on the other line, will get back to you.'”
  • “Drink up, me hearties! At dawn we take yon merchantman and all the gold be ours! So finish yer Brussels Sprouts and be ready ta fight!”
  • “I’ve seen some bad chefs in my time, but… liverwurst is not usually an explosive.”
  • “To find the Talisman, cross the Forbidden Desert to the Oasis of Pain, enter the Cavern of Despair and descend the Rocks of Mild Irritation to the Pit of Annoying Laughter until you reach the Chamber of That Song You Can’t Stop Humming.”
  • “You fool, how many times must I tell you, never rent banana pudding from an otter?”
  • “I have returned! Yes, I have returned and soon the world will tremble before my army of Mutated Atomic Brine Shrimp!”
  • “O Mary darling, when we’re apart I think of you by day, and dream of you by night, like last night I dreamed you turned into a giant teapot, because dreams are weird.”
  • “No, no, the Constitution guarantees the defendant a jury of his peers, not a jury of piers. Now get all this lumber out of my court.”
  • “Attention, Earthlings! We have come from a million light-years away for one thing: your polka music!”
  • “Sheriff, them outlaws is holed up in Dry Gulch. We git a posse together rat now ‘n we kin take ’em in time to be back fer Shakespeare in the Park!”
  • “Oh, no, they’ve found the otters’ toupees.”
  • “Breathe deep of the steam from the Pool of Prophecy, and a vision will be granted to you of exactly how to fix that leaky kitchen faucet.”
  • “No, you’re confusing us with the Justice League. We can’t defeat the Legion of Doom, we only deliver ice cubes for cocktail parties.”
  • “You never loved me, never! You only pretended to love me so you could gain control of my naked mole rat colony!”
  • “I am Sir Lancelot of Camelot, certified public accountant.”
  • “This time my master plan is flawless, and Captain Awesome will not thwart my scheme to gain control over every Whack-a-Mole game in Idaho!”
  • “O Mary darling, I have never met a more beautiful sewage treatment plant employee than you!”
  • “Now remember— the antidote will protect you from the poison, but only as long as you hold on to the trapeze!”
  • “Sheriff, them rustlers’ve gone and run off with all the tree sloths.”
  • “The name’s Snugglemuffin. Bubbles Snugglemuffin. I’m a cop.”
  • “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, never approach a platypus in heat, unless it is Tuesday.’ Such wisdom!”
  • “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research, I have succeeded in making toenail clippings grow in potting soil!”
  • “But no, Watson, you have overlooked the fact that a toupee will not float in tomato soup.”
  • “Be warned! He Who Must Not Be Named has made alliance with He Who Must Not Be Talked About, to defeat He Who Must Not Be Obliquely Described before He Who Must Not Be Sung About In Ballad Form can come to help!”
  • “Our peril will increase with every step forward, yet we must not falter or fail— every mushroom farmer in Boise is depending on us!”
  • “Mr Sulu, lock phasers on target. I don’t know what blowing up a marshmallow 11,000 kilometers long will look like, but I bet it’ll be really cool!”
  • “Ah, if these walls could talk, what stories would they tell? And would they tell them while other people are trying to talk? Where would they have learned manners anyway?”
  • “Oh no, my letter opener is wobbly! Heaven help us all, the letter opener is WOBBLY!”
  • Event Unlikely To Be In The Winter Olympic Opening Ceremonies: Lighting of the Pile of Old tires.
  • “All right, we’ve got the life-size cardboard cutout of Don Knotts, the three rubber bands, and the jar of pickled okra. At last the plan can proceed!”