Dialog Unlikely To Be Used, volume 6

Hello there, it’s time for the latest collected archive of my daily Twitter post, Dialog Unlikely To Be Used. Enjoy!

• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, always take good care of your uvula.’ I try to live by his wisdom!”
• “Oh, don’t worry, lots of people have trouble pronouncing my name right. You just have to realize ‘tomato’ is silent.”
• “I’m sorry to bring you such terrible news, but your wildebeest herd has been caught stealing harmonicas.”
• Lesson Unlikely To Be The Moral of a Story: Never dip fresh roses into wax unless it is pine-scented.
• Lesson Unlikely To Be The Moral Of A Story: It’s always better to be paraprosdokian than sesquipedalian.
• Lesson Unlikely To Be The Moral Of A Story: Steamed clams in a white wine sauce make poor accountants.
• “Drink up, me hearties! Organic kale smoothies are good fer ye!”
• “So we come to it at last, the square dance contest that will decide the fate of our times!”
• “Will, you’re a great playwright, but you just can’t name the Prince of Denmark ‘Buddy.'”
• “I want every detective in the precinct on this case. It’s clear we’ve got a madman out there, and if he’s not stopped he’ll put broccoli on every post office box in the city!”
• “Tarry not here, Stranger; the plague has ravaged this region and it bears no welcome for you; try instead the Motel 6 over on the Interstate.”
• Warning Label Unlikely To Be Needed: “CAUTION: Do not use 16-foot extension ladder as a harmonica.”
• Warning Label Unlikely To Be Needed: “NOTE: Before using parachute, check to make sure pack does not contain anvils.”
• Warning Label Unlikely To Be Needed: “CAUTION: This textbook on advanced theoretical mathematics is unsuitable for the study of Elizabethan poetry.”
• Warning Label Unlikely To Be Needed: “CAUTION: Do not attempt to exit vehicle via exhaust pipe.”
• Warning Label Unlikely To Be Needed: “WARNING: If russet potatoes start to speak, do not take their investment advice.”
• “General, I’ve heard of bad navigation but you were assigned to attack Omaha beach in Normandy, and you’ve just led an amphibious assault on the pond trap of a miniature golf course in Boise, Idaho.”
• “Well, I’d love to, but I just don’t own a hot pink xylophone.”
• “Captain, we’ve entered orbit around Rigel IV, and sensors detect a whole mess o’ ornery cattle rustlers a-headin’ in our direction.”
• “Once upon a time, in a faraway land, around the corner three blocks down Main Street, then left into the alley behind the Starbucks, there lived an old man and his wife, who always wanted a pet gerbil.”
• “Good afternoon, I’m with the Federal Bureau of Bricks That Are Slightly Larger Than Other Bricks, and I need to measure the volume of your refrigerator.”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of painstaking research, I finally have the data to conclusively prove that a wearable charcoal grill is a bad idea!”
• “Sorry, Captain, the Admiral has refused your request to assign your sock puppet to be your executive officer.”
• “But if you do that, what will happen to the sea slugs?”
• “Bad news from the front— the barbarian hordes have seized our lace doily factory and now we have no way to decorate the tables for the finger sandwich offensive!”
• “If we don’t act soon, the Martians will have eaten all the cucumber sandwiches!”
• “Uh-oh. The otters are back— and this time they brought their haberdasher.”
• “Yes, it’s tragic, but in part he brought it on himself. When you grow up with a name like Expendable Bit-Player, you should not make a career of guiding expeditions into dark, unexplored jungles.”
• “It’s no use, we’ll have to nimcon the prefibulator before ricering the dynastrene contratraceron. Then maybe we’ll be able to subalter the jinklomatic audioultravox in time to cook the waffles.”
• “You know how it is, some days it just feels like there aren’t enough newts to eat all the french fries.”
• “Well, I understand, but your husband witnessed a serious crime and we need to get his statement. Please have him call the 15th Precinct if the Martian flying saucer beams him down again.”
• “You never loved me, never! You only cared about my nematode collection!”
• “Oh fer cryin’ out loud, the chickens done got into the forensics lab AGAIN!?”
• “You fool, I said an otter, not a platypus! Now how are we going to get into the bank?”
• “I don’t care what your equations prove, young man, you cannot calculate the eigenvector of that singular matrix until you finish your Brussels sprouts.”
• “Professor Smythe has beaten me to every academic prize and honor, but at last my research conclusively proves that he is just a big stinky doo-doo head!”
• “You dope, Mugsy, da Godfather told youse to round up da BOYS fer da bank heist, not round up da BOIDS. Now you gotta clean the getaway car.”
• “Well the dialog is great, Will, but I wonder if it would be more dramatic if Macbeth did something more than just give the King a wedgie?”
• “Having been found guilty by a jury of your peers, this court sentences you to 100 hours of ratiocination concerning the perspicacity of your circumlocution.”
• “Well pardner, I s’pose it’d work, but maybe thar’s a cheaper way to store the cattle feed than in pre-Classical Mycenaean amphorae?”
• “Why, you crepuscular, meretricious pettifogger! Give me back my thesaurus!”
• “Stranger, ’round these parts we don’t hold with no lumpy hollandaise sauce.”
• “My colleagues laughed at me, called me mad— mad! So I took off the otter costume and gave my talk a second time.”
• “Yes, I know it was inappropriate, but the only reason I wore the otter costume was that my Giant Stick Of Butter costume was at the cleaners. What else could I do?”
• “Naturally I was going to wear the Giant Stick Of Butter costume, my talk was on multivariate statistics.”
• “Aye, accardin’ ta Flint’s map, tha traisure be buried a hunnerd paces narth o’ yon oak tree. We’ll pull it right from tha ground with tha’ ship’s tractor beam!”
• “Once upon a time there was a little old lady who lived in a tiny thatched cottage deep in the forest, where she spent her days forging pinion gears for diesel locomotives class RS-2C or later.”
• “To be or not to be? That is the question. And should I order an espresso while thinking it over?”
• “Your honor, the prosecution will show that not only did the defendant commit the crime, he did so while playing the bagpipes!”
• “Your honor, I object! Opposing counsel keeps spray-painting my ukelele!”
• “Well howdy, pardner, and what brings yew ’round these parts? Here fer the annu’l dust mite rodeo?”
• “Now, O Knight, go forth from this place and journey to another place. There, do the thing and get stuff. But beware the other thing, lest that one guy get to the place first with those other guys.”
• “O Mary darling, how I love the way the sunlight glints off your tinfoil hat!”
• “I alone have succeeded where others failed! I have built an atomic super-robot capable of doing needlepoint at a rate of 1.7 MegaGrandmas!”
• “I expect some problems with my lawn each spring. Weeds, broken sprinklers… I really wasn’t prepared to have it ask my advice about proposing to its girlfriend.”
• “The name’s Max Bullet, Private Eye. I’ve been hired to find out who decided to built the radio telescope out of wicker.”
• “I recall my Gandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, that’s a mighty fine tennis racket you got there. Do you have any marinara sauce to go with it?'”
• “I wish that things could have worked out between us. But it’s time to admit the truth. I’ll never give up the rutabaga farm, and you’ll never abandon the umbrella factory.”
• “Why yes, thank you for noticing. Noses do run in my family.”
• Conspiracy Theory Unlikely To Gain Followers: A secret cabal of tree sloths are plotting to sponsor a car in the Indy 500.
• “Mr Secretary, Joint Chiefs of Staff, I present to you the latest in military technology: the ARQ-37X Attack Weasel, capable of high-speed scurrying, and able to take out the enemy’s top-line Battlehamster in a single blow.”
• “Here now, what’s a little kid like you doing playing with something like that? Just put the radio telescope back where you found it.”
• “Igor, you fool! I sent you out to get my creature a brain! This is a duck!”
• “The patient is crashing! Blood pressure 98 over 40! Pulse rate 60! Resps 12! His ocelot is singing off-key!”
• “I am Sir Lancelot of Camelot, board-certified proctologist.”
• “There’s no doubt of the diagnosis, Mrs Smith, your husband suffers from Lavoanatisinstruo dysphemia, which causes its victims to stammer uncontrollably when teaching people how to wash a duck.”
• “Now pay attention, hit the wrong thing and the bomb will go off. To deactivate it, you must press the large green button labeled ‘Deactivate.'”
• “I thought it was good strategy to order ‘Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!’ How was I to know the enemy would all wear sunglasses?”
• “You fool, this is a river otter! River otters cannot perform manicures— I said we needed a SEA otter!”
• “Gotta warn you, Detective, the crime scene’s a mess. This is the worst banjo attack we’ve seen since this morning.”
• “Quick, stop him! He’s got the wrong bagel!”
• “You know I love your writing, Will, but I think you should revise the line that says ‘Romeo, Romeo, wherefore dost thou smell like bacon?'”
• “O Great Prince, hear the plea of this humble traveler. Please, in your great benevolence, add more mustard to that hot dog.”
• “I was never happy as a child. Our family’s solar telescope was second-rate, and my teddy bear smelled like olives.”
• “Your honor, the defendant is charged with violating section 113 paragraph 47 of the penal code, referring to the illegal use of a dish of eggplant parmesan as a musical instrument.”
• “I am Captain Neutron, Space Ranger! On behalf of the United Planets, I order you to get off your horses and return those cattle to the ranch!”
• “Cap’n, I’ve found the trouble with the warp engines: too much oregano in the antimatter mix.”
• “Oh no, not again! Somebody take the harmonicas away from the polka band before the chef gets back, all right?”
• “At last I have devised a master plan that Captain Awesome will not thwart! I will spend an entire weekend in my supervillain lair binge-watching 1950s sitcoms!”
• “Evacuate! Evacuate immediately! He’s using the wrong cup holder!”
• “I’d be delighted to accept your invitation, but I don’t think I can find a tuxedo, a manatee, and a zither on such short notice.”
• “Remember, you’re searching for the most skilled covert agent in the world. He’ll probably have written his name tag in faded ink.”
• “You never loved me, never! You said you did, but all along you were building a semi-automatic 200 ml bottle-filling and capping machine behind my back!”
• Of all the reasons why our attack on the enemy’s mountain stronghold might have failed, how could we anticipate it would be under-ripe kumquats?”
• “Generals, I present to you the newest advance in military hardware: the XQ-37 heavy-duty attack piano, which when suspended from a precise system of pulleys and levers can drop on the head of the toughest enemy.”
• “O Mary darling, you touch my heart as deeply as an ingrown toenail touches a nerve!”
• “I recall my Granpa’s last words to me. ‘My boy,’ he said, ‘never leave a sentence unf
• “O my Prince, hear now my sorrowful tale of woe, of how I was captured by a band of marauding, dastardly actuarial statisticians.”
• “Engines full reverse! Rudder hard a-starboard! We’re heading straight into the salmon mousse!”
• “Calling all cars, be on the lookout for a suspect, male, mid-thirties, with bright purple hair and a 3-foot-long neck. May be disguised as a podiatrist.”
• “We must have exact info or the mission will fail. Describe precisely where each commando was standing when the trained aardvark made the bechamel sauce.”
• “Yes, Mom, I promise I will wear warm clothes to the diplomatic meeting with the Klingons.”
• “This crime is easily solved. With your permission, I will take fingerprints from everyone in this room. Then I will draw funny animal faces on them, glue them to my forehead, and hop up and down while playing the accordion.”
• “Rocketship XJ-7 to Mission Control. Our retro thrusters have failed. Nothing happens when we pull the reins and say ‘Whoah!'”
• “The small nation of Ruritania may have few people, but it is proud to stand out in being the world’s leading exporter of swash buckles.”
• “At last I have discovered Captain Awesome’s weakness! Now victory will finally be mine! Everyone begin gathering marshmallows at once!”
• “My Lord Sheriff, we have located Robin Hood’s encampment, deep in the greenwood! Our elite troop of penguins on unicycles is closing in as we speak!”
• “O Mary darling, no one’s catabolic metabolism dephosphorylates adenosine triphosphate as elegantly as yours!”
• “Look, I’m trying to understand what happened. I get that when I said ‘baklava’ you thought I said ‘balaclava,’ but I still don’t see where the ferrets came in.”
• Decision Unlikely To Be Difficult: Whether to hire a level three board-certified electrical contractor, or a duck.
• “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research I have finally discovered the perfect polish for shoelace grommets!”
• “I say, Smythe, this may be the most important find in the history of Egyptian archaeology! These tablets record the myth of Akmenathotep, the god of putting dishes on the counter to dry then forgetting to put them away!”
• “So, my old nemesis, we meet again! But this time it is I that control the mahjong tile supply!”
• “Igor, you fool! That’s not the correct way to shampoo a lemur!”
• “I knew the dame was trouble the moment she slinked into my office. I’m a private eye, and she said she was looking for an ear.”
• “There’s one big boss runs all the numbers in this town. Guy they call Louie the Lizard, on account of him bein so fond of cheesecake.”
• “Arr, mateys, the map shows plain whar the treasure be hid! It lies here, in a safe deposit box in Cleveland, Ohio, across the street from the shoe store!”
• “Of course it’s something we all wish for, but I just don’t think you can put a modern aircraft carrier under the command of a duck.”
• “This is an emergency! The volcano is going to erupt within minutes, and we forgot to bring the marshmallows!”
• “Mrs Smith, we’ve discussed your husband’s case with every specialist in the hospital, and they all agree: he’s a carrot.”
• “Without a doubt, Frodo, this is indeed Sauron’s Eyelash Curler of Power, which he lost long ago.”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, polystyrene and polyurethane are not the same thing.’ I have always tried to live by his wisdom.”
• “Our Naval tactics were excellent, Admiral. In hindsight our mistake was building the entire battle fleet out of paper-mache.”
• “I say, Smythe, I’ve translated the hieroglyphics! The inscription reads ‘I, Pharaoh Imhotep, command you to pull my finger.'”
• “Remarkable, Smythe, this is the first time in the history of Egyptology that a mummy has been discovered with joy-buzzer and clown shoes intact!”
• “I say, Smythe, bad show, what? We’ve spent a year excavating what we thought was the tomb of an undiscovered Pharaoh and all we find is a box of yo-yos.”
• “I’m afraid the attack has failed, General. It seems arming our troops with licorice whips was not as clever as it seemed.”
• “O Great Sage of the Mountain, your wisdom is without parallel, your words unveil the truth to all, and your tuba is heavier than I expected!”
• “Hey, kid! Don’t put your head in there, you don’t know where that harmonica’s been!”
• “I do love you, but it can never work out between us— your saxophone is made of grapes.”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, my father once told me: “Son, remember what my Uncle once said: ‘Nephew, heed the advice of my Cousin, who said: “Never forget the words of our ancestor who said…”‘”‘”
• “Now then, don’t take it so hard, lots of people fail on their first try at giving an aardvark a perm.”
• “It’s like a dream come true, I just can’t believe it! Thank you so much, I’ll treasure this precisely average toothpick forever!”
• “You thought you could get away with it— but the Bureau of Toenail Clipper Regulation sees all!”
• “Here in the heart of the Amazon, in this species we see what is surely the most unique courtship behavior of any bird. The male presents his stamp collection to the female and she, with her beak, carefully draws Groucho glasses on all the faces.”
• “So the General proceeded with his attack plan, tragically unaware that his troops had been issued John Martin Crawford’s translation of the Kalevala, rather than William Forsell Kirby’s version as the plan assumed.”
• “Oh no! Why is there never a Peristerophilist around when you need one?”
• “But no, Watson, you have overlooked the fact that mountain goats seldom qualify as nuclear physicists.”
• “It’s certainly a unique power, but I really don’t think you can qualify for the Justice League based on super-proctology.”
• My name is Lancelot, Sir Lancelot of Camelot, and I am here to negotiate the property tax variance on your new construction project.”
• “I’m the Sheriff o’ Salt Flats, Stranger, an’ we got no greetins fer guys who let their rheas raise a ruckus.”
• “I knew the dame was trouble the moment she came into my office and said she needed a Private Eye. She had a face and figure to make an old gumshoe happy to be alive, but the carrots stuck in her ears and the live lobster she wore as a hat clued me something was off.”
• “Scotty, do you really expect me to believe a llama got into the antimatter reactor core by mistake?”
• “Nay sir, I am altogether unwilling to contemplate not considering the failure to think of never knowing no less than the most unprepared of no smaller subject than the least of not one but many lesser unknown decisions.”
• “It’s come down to this: our only hope of survival now is to find the most soft-spoken electrician on Earth, and quickly!”
• “We simply have no plans for this contingency, General. Where did the enemy get that many pomegranates anyway?”
• “I am pleased to introduce to the symposium: Professor Nigel Smythe, the world’s leading expert on bone-digger-upper-ology.”
• “Oh no! Oh no! The Martians have eaten all the Egg Foo Yung!”
• “The moment the landing craft hit Omaha Beach, you will take your squad, directly approach the enemy positions, and tell them their shoelaces are united.”
• “An alien fleet of unimaginable size and power is heading directly for the Earth, and the planetary defense screens have been painted in last year’s colors!”
• “No, you may not wash your otter’s toupee. Don’t ask me again.”
• “I love you but it can never work out between us. You need to stand further back so It can reach the StairMaster.”
• “Fool, you’ve thrown the time machine into reverse into machine time the thrown you’ve, fool!”
• “General Washington, we are ready to cross the Delaware, but we were thinking it might work better if we use a boat.”
• “And so we embark upon this journey, knowing not what perils lie along the way, knowing only that we must not fail to reach the auto parts store before nightfall.”
• “Ah, I remember that sweet time in childhood when all possibilities lay before me, and nothing had been decided. Except how many arms I had. That was kind of set. Eyes too, I guess, and why only one appendix? I guess a lot had been decided, really.”
• “We thought we planned for every contingency, anticipated every possible enemy countermove. But optometrists with trained ducks? We never saw it coming!”
• “O Mary darling, of all the heterotrophic aerobic organisms in the world, you are the most bilaterally symmetrical of all!”
• “O John my dearest, no one compliments me as ineptly as you!”
• “Oh no, not the Strategic Attack Ducks again!”
• “The irony is, Detective, that the victim was trampled by the mule only minutes before he would have finished repairing the electron microscope.”
• “As a veterinarian, of course I will try to treat your pet. However I’m still trying to figure out how in the world a humpback whale got a hangnail.”
• “Okay, so I’m late. I’d like to see you lug an entire year’s supply of otter’s tuxedos halfway across the country!”
• “They say travel broadens the mind, but home is where you’ve hidden all your old fingernail clippings.”
• “I’m sorry I snapped at you, I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. My pet onion is peeling.”
• “Aye, sometimes when the moon is full and the mist lies over the sea, you’ll see her, the Flying Dutchman, sailin’ forever more in search of a close-in parking spot.”
• “Excuse me, sir, I have a collect call from a Mr Adventure.”
  “Tell him I refuse the call.”
• “But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?
  ‘Twill need blackout curtains
  To preventest glare upon the TV.”
• “Love conquers all. It’s established a beachhead on our eastern coast, and dropped paratroopers near the capitol.”
• “You know, I usually expect a fortune teller to talk mainly in symbols. Really, she could have warned me the bit about ferrets hiding in my bagpipes was meant literally.”
• “I wept with regret as I lit the corner of the page and watched the secret go up in flames. But there was no choice. Better it be lost forever, than for my grandmother’s cheesecake recipe to fall into the hands of the haberdashers.”
• “You fool, you covered the solar telescope in cashmere? It was supposed to be alpaca!”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! My latest discovery will surely have an entirely ephemeral and inconsequential impact!”
• “Knights of the Round Table, this dragon threatens the entire kingdom! Which of you is brave enough to face the beast, and sell it term life insurance?”
• “Watch out! He’s got a light, refreshing beverage!”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘My boy, always be oleaginous and terpsichorean.’ I try to live by his wisdom.”
• “I’m the Sheriff o’ this here town, and yew’ve wandered into the wrong genre, Monsieur Poirot, so yew best just git along now.”
• “Apollo 11 to Mission Control. We are go on main engine burn for trans-lunar injection, just as soon as this herd of wildebeest gets out of the way.”
• “No no no, you have to add the bechamel sauce BEFORE inserting the plutonium fuel rods!”
• “Well, here’s the problem. This is supposed to be the deep space probe’s radioisotope thermoelectric generator, but it’s actually a brown paper bag filled with beef jerky.”
• Dialog LIKELY To Be In Many A First Draft: “Oh, I’ve been like this ever since [insert key clue to mystery when you think of one].”
• “You know, I’m not sure how to advise you in this situation. You say you have unplugged the coffeepot but it’s still singing a Gershwin medley?”
• “Why, yew goldurned, no good, low down, yella-bellied, hornswoggling, sidewinding, horse-thieving… uh, pie-eating, …um… hat-wearing… er… sorry, I fergot whar I was goin with this.”
• “Sarge, you’ve got to take the platoon and leave me behind. Save yourselves, I’d just slow you down. I’m done for anyway, this hangnail is really annoying.”
• “If we work together, we’ll be the first people ever to climb this mountain! But it will not be easy— it turns out we should have carried our gear in backpacks instead of a 4-masted clipper ship.”
• “No, you have to insert the chicken and THEN activate the automatic harmonica.”
• “So that’s the situation. We have to get this sperm whale to the summit of Everest and back down, alive, or else the world ends.”
• “…and that is why the giant squid invasion must be stopped or we are all doomed! But I digress, we were talking about accounting.”
• “Look out! The oyster is escaping!”
• “Eureka Jenkins! After twenty years of research, I have proved that bagpipes are edible!”
• “Months and months of training, and it didn’t occur to anyone to tell me ‘You’re supposed to be INSIDE the Saturn V when it launches?'”
• “Listen! If you ignore my warning, nothing bad will happen! I am deadly serious— nothing I’m saying matters in the least, or will have any effect on anything that happens next, whether you believe it or not!”
• “In hindsight, the retractable sunroof was a design flaw in our deep-sea submersible.”
• “Finally, and this is very important, do not eat the scanning electron microscope.”
• “Let me get this straight. You’re telling me that due to a typo, you’ve released all 1,000 salamanders from their ballet contracts?”
• “At last you have met your match, Captain Awesome! For I am CandyHand and I have the power to leave sticky fingerprints on everything I touch!”
• “It’s an ingenious plan, General, but if I understand correctly the success of the entire D-Day operation will depend on not a single enemy soldier ordering the chicken nuggets.”
• “All right Mugsy, we got the place surrounded! Stop julienning that carrot and come out with your hands up!”
• “At first I thought you were really him, but then I remembered that the Batmobile isn’t made out of canned anchovies.”
• “The sun is about to go nova! Somebody save the lemonade!”
• “Not the noodle soup! Oh dear Lord in heaven, NOT THE NOODLE SOUP!”
• “Remarkable, Smythe! That’s a perfect specimen of Medusagyne oppositifolia currently criticizing your taste in music!”
• “The first division will begin the landing at Omaha beach, relying on our diversionary force to lure the enemy away with the sweet smell of chocolate chip cookies in the oven.”
• “Wait, you mean it’s NOT the right season for tie-dyed Brussels sprouts?”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of work, I have found a way to make all these coiled glass tubes and spherical flasks filled with brightly colored bubbling liquids actually useful for research!”
• “All right, team! Rival State’s going to come hard at us on the field, but if we pull together and give 110% we can win this game! Now, put on your fluffy bunny slippers and get out there and fight!”
• “You fool! You can’t launch a spacecraft into orbit without a cow-catcher on the front!”
• “Oh, puh-leeze! You expect me to believe you performed a non-Euclidean Fourier transform instead of a discrete-time improper Riemann integral by MISTAKE!?”
• “Now look here, pardner, yew done sold me this horse an’ I want my money back! I need a good r’liable ride an this goldurn nag keeps stoppin’ to work on its biochemistry thesis!”
• “Bad luck, Smythe, you’ve stepped into quicksand. But at least you now have a chance to use your rubber ducky.”
• “Excuse me, but is this your chainsaw in my creme brulee?”
• “No, you have to paint the asparagus red and THEN put it into the particle accelerator.”
• “We must accept the truth. However terrifying, however incredible it may seem, we must face it: these are indeed vampire Brussels sprouts.”
• “Well, here’s your problem. Your ceiling fan has decided it wants to go to film school.”
• “Let all the criminal underworld be mildly concerned, for I am Captain Adequate and I am mostly okay at catching crooks!”
• “Why, you marshmallow-covered electron microscope! I’ll get you for that!”
• “There’s nothing more dangerous than an artichoke with presbyopia.”
• “Seriously? You’re sure the platypus didn’t sing Rigoletto instead?”
• “I apologize, sir, we would love to accommodate you but there simply isn’t room to dress the reactor coolant system in a hippopotamus costume.”
• “Oh no! The penguins have eaten my linguini!”
• “The discovery has stunned the world, as astronomers confirm the object approaching us from deep space is, indeed, a rubber chicken 11,000 kilometers long.”
• “Ah, yes, I remember it almost as if it was a flashback.”
• “You know I love your writing, Will, but I really think you should edit the part where Marc Antony asks the Romans to lend him their spleens.”