Dialog Unlikely To Be Used #DUTBU Archive volume 8

Hello there—

It’s time for another archive of my daily Twitter post, Dialog Unlikely To Be Used.

Before getting to the archive, a quick note about this blog overall: I have neglected it terribly. Looking at the dates, I see it’s been more than two years since I posted anything here except these #DUTBU archives. I had just started into Part Two of my History of the United Offworld Colonies series, and then… nothing. I’m sorry about that, I know that series has (or had) some followers. I didn’t plan to stop updating it, somehow I just didn’t get back to it. In fact I was quite surprised to realize how long ago that was, apparently time really does fly.

Anyway, I am going to get back to continuing that History and hope to resume regular updates shortly. I’ll probably start with a recap of some sort, since it’s been so long since the last one. In the meantime, here’s the #DUTBU archive:

Dialog Unlikely To Be Used #DUTBU volume 8

• “There are no words adequate to describe how your actions have made me feel. Although ‘shrimpalicious’ comes close.”
• “So you’re telling me that we’re only hours from launching D-day, and the ENTIRE invasion force forgot their pants?”
• “And then the evil sorcerer placed me under the dreadful curse that binds me to this day— that every night, from sunset to dawn, I am ten percent less fond of rutabagas than I am during the day.”
• “Admiral, the new F-35B Lightning II fighter jets have been delivered to the carrier group. But no one’s been able to get them out of those hard plastic packages.”
• “I can think of two different plans for this heist. To know which one will work, it’s vital we answer one question: are we in a film noir or a screwball caper comedy?”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, use chiaroscuro to downplay the pentimento of your contrapposto motifs.’ I try to live by his wisdom.”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research, I have finally proved that fleas are indeed small!”
• “Yes, your interstellar fleet is far beyond our technology, and your weapons are terrifyingly capable of destroying our world. But we just can’t take your invasion seriously when you say you’re from planet Ticklebunnies.”
• Recipe Unlikely To Be Prepared: Stir-fried spark plugs in a white wine sauce.
• “I say, Smythe, that’s a remarkable specimen of Papilio antimachus currently stealing your jeep!”
• “You fool, you’ve embroidered the wrong electron microscope!”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research I have finally found out what ‘eureka’ means!”
• “You never loved me, never! You only pretended to, so that you could get closer to my rutabaga collection!”
• “Oh dear, everyone in the restaurant is staring. Have I committed a faux pas? The salsa wasn’t meant as a hair tonic, was it?”
• “Today we gather to mourn the passing of a great visionary, whose life was tragically cut short by the stampede at his sea cucumber ranch.”
• “After as many decades of experience as I have, you’ll realize there’s no problem in aerospace engineering that can’t be solved by the proper application of broccoli.”
• “O Mary darling, no one can match your grace in a dress made of linguini!”
• “Now then, let’s not argue, there are plenty of people who like their bagpipes fried, and others who like them sauteed.”
• “Wait, you mean asparagus is NOT a good building material?”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘Hey, don’t stop massaging my feet until I tell you to!’ His profound wisdom will always stay with me.”
• “Oh no… oh no… the ducks are coming. And they have lobsters.”
• “Sheriff! Sheriff! Them low-down outlaws robbed the stagecoach agin! They got the town’s entire supply of lace doilies!”
• “Pardon me, I am the museum curator and must ask you to stop drawing on that priceless Shakespeare first folio. We have a student group coming in later who need it for origami.”
• “General, your battle plan is brilliant but the code name is problematic. We’re going with ‘Operation Overlord’ rather than your suggestion, ‘Operation Invade On June 6 And Hope The Enemy Doesn’t Guess The Date.'”
• “We ship out in an hour. Change into your combat gear. Yes, including the tap shoes.”
• “The moment sensors show the Klingon ship has come within range, activate the sillifier and start throwing pies.”
• “My colleagues laughed at me, called me mad. Mad! But I alone succeeded where others failed— I alone created a pair of Groucho glasses capable of feeling disappointed in their career prospects!”
• “My name is Lancelot, Sir Lancelot of Camelot, and I am here to slay the deadly Typocerus velutinus that has been troubling your village!”
• “Stranger, I’m the Sheriff of this here town, and in these parts we don’t hold with folk that sort their collections of Mycenaean amphorae by size instead of time period.”
• “I’m sorry, it must have been a typographical error. The instructions should have said ‘Use a socket wrench,’ not ‘Feed the workbench to a pack of rabid wolverines.'”
• “Be wary of goin too far into the cypress swamp. It’s trackless and unknown, unexplored even today. Only one man ever went in and got out again— an he ne’er could explain where he’d been or why he came out wearin a polyester leisure suit.”
• “Without a doubt, this was the most historically significant bratwurst to be grilled in nearly a week.”
• “Oh no, the Velociraptors have the butter!”
• “Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. And on this farm he had a poorly excavated Neolithic archaeological site, E-I-E-I-O.”
• “O Mary darling, you look magnificent tonight! From your sparkling diamond tiara to that elegant evening gown to those dazzling giant red clown shoes— what an ensemble!”
• “Yes, Captain Awesome, it is I, your arch-enemy Nemesis Man, and this time you will not thwart my scheme! The bran muffin will be mine!”
• “If we don’t divert the floodwaters in the next thirty minutes, the entire toothpick factory will be damp for hours!”
• “No, it’s all right, I can find another aardvark to tie-dye.”
• “But I shouldn’t criticize, it’s actually quite impressive to see a rhinoceros calculate Fourier transforms at all.”
• “So, Oqwik McGrizzwskiasplxrz, my old nemesis, we meet again!”
• “Go now, I’ll hold them off as long as I can. I should be able to buy you a half hour lead time— at least so long as the enemy doesn’t find the propeller beanies.”
• “Look, I know my handwriting is bad, but that doesn’t really explain how you misread ‘Pick up some pasta on the way home’ as ‘Teach a giant squid to play Monopoly.'”
• “Look, hindsight is 20-20. Of course we know *now* that building the 50th floor out of al dente pasta was a bad idea.”
• “Arr, Mateys, raise the mains’l and lower the jib! Haul in the sheets! Pump out the bilge and clean those scuppers! And someone get me a nautical dictionary so I know what all that means!”
• “I should have remembered that reindeer make bad waffles.”
• “I say, Smythe, just imagine it— we are the first people to see this ancient tomb for the last thirty minutes!”
• “Oh no… these aren’t artillery shells, they’re kumquats.”
• “And you say it’s doing the tango? No, that’s gotta be someone else’s yak.”
• “Oh sure, everyone thinks that Victor Frankenstein is so impressive. Bestowing life on lifeless matter? Ha! Wait til they see how I have succeeded in bestowing oregano flavor on a game of cribbage!”
• “The name’s Steele. Steele McHugelarge. And I’m here to apply for tango lessons.”
• “Now then, let’s not be hasty. Maybe some OTHER accountant tattooed his name on the platypus.”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘My boy, when life gives you lemons, grill a ribeye steak and then wear it as a hat.’ I try to live by his wisdom.”
• “All right, everyone just calm down and explain what happened. How did the chihuahua get control of the reactor in the first place?”
• “Why yes, I am an Astacologist. What’s the emergency?”
• “Captain, I really don’t think a simple navigational error can explain how you ran the fleet’s largest aircraft carrier aground halfway down the log flume ride at Six Flags.”
• “Oh no, I accidentally taught the magician to make eggs benedict! We’ve got to run for it, and run fast!”
• “My friend, you simply must get over this obsession. No matter how carefully you cultivate it, a rutabaga simply cannot perform the hokey-pokey.”
• “Oh no, the grapes are seedless! Notify the Prime Minister before it’s too late!”
• “Igor you fool, I told you to bring me a Hoplopleura hirsuta and instead you fetch a Linognathus setosus. How am I going to mix this martini now?”
• “Say what ya like ’bout Ol’ Zeke, yew cain’t deny that thar’s a man what knows how to embroider a yak.”
• “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was my chicken soup, I didn’t realize it was a solar telescope.”
• “I think it would be best if we left the electron microscope here, just in case the particle accelerator gets jealous.”
• “There’s only one chance— nap! Nap for your life!”
• “We are holding the countdown at T minus seven minutes due to a low pressure reading on the number three ketchup dispenser.”
• “I appreciate thoroughness, Colonel, but your report on the local wildlife in the planned landing area did not really require 10,000 pages on how to properly groom a gerbil.”
• “But lo, dawn rises in the east and we must in haste depart, ere  light of treacherous morn betray us to keen sentry eyes upon yon battlement. Swiftly then, mount thy unicycles and let’s away.”
• “What? ALL the mummies are playing cribbage?”
• “Houston, we may have to abort the landing— we cannot find our Lacrosse sticks.”
• “I am Sir Lancelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table. May I borrow your Mahjong set?”
• “No, that’s the emergency duck.”
• “Don’t be absurd, to do that they’d have to activate the bagpipe simulator first.”
• “Right, here’s the plan. Mugsy, you blow the lock on the bank vault. Smitty, keep watch for the guards. The rest o’ youse guys, draw pictures of rubber duckies on all the safe deposit boxes.”
• Song Unlikely To Become A Rock n’ Roll Classic: “Bad to the Subcutaneous Fat Layer”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘My boy, never challenge an emu to a game of Parcheesi.’ If only I had listened!”
• “Deep in the mangrove swamps you will find the creature. But beware! Few who meet it come away with their cribbage skills untested.”
• “101st Airborne to Allied Supreme Command urgent! We need more fondue sets!”
• “O Mary darling, how the sunlight twinkles off the sugar crystals you sprinkle over all our chess boards!”
• Fairy Tale Unlikely To Be Told: Once Upon A Time, in a marsh near the Enchanted Forest, there lived a little frog who dreamed of growing up to become a proctologist, though his parents wanted him to go into the family Swiss cheese business.
• “Well Mrs Smith, we’ve discussed your husband’s case with every specialist in the hospital and they all agree: the little men who live in his teeth will not agree to stop playing the bagpipes.”
• “Oh, no, it was a complete surprise. I thought the muskrat was in Philadelphia.”
• “Oh, I love it! I’m so touched that you remembered. Oh, and look— you even calibrated the air cylinders on the Scharfenberg’s rotating heads!”
• “Objection, your honor! Opposing counsel is improperly deflating that soufflé!”
• “I hardly think you can pass it off as a simple misunderstanding when I call for an archaeologist and you bring an overripe kumquat.”
• “Hoist the mainsail! Close reef the sheets! Rudder amidships! All hands to the pogo sticks!”
• “Excuse me, your Stegosaurus seems to be suffering from lumbago.”
• “Well Mrs Smith, we’ve discussed your husband’s case with every specialist in the hospital and they’re all agreed: he’s really neat, and we hope he’ll join our chess club.”
• “I think you must have misunderstood me. My order was ‘Engage warp drive,’ not ‘Toast the croutons.'”
• “I say, Smythe, what a find! This is undoubtedly the tomb of Pharaoh Imhotep’s second cousin’s mother-in-law’s brother’s third favorite pet hamster!”
• “Home, home on the range,
  Where the deer and the antelope
  Trade commodities futures on margin
  Without sufficient collateral.”
• “In retrospect, it might have been a design flaw to build the Mars probe out of wicker.”
• “Yes, Inspector, I suspect foul play. Ask yourself— if Lady Wingate is telling the truth, where did she get ten thousand ducks on such short notice, let alone the unicycles for them to ride?”
• “Ride ’em, Cowboy! Round up them dogies! Lead ’em to the waterin’ hole! We gotta git ’em thar afore the badminton tournament starts!”
• “The enemy will soon surround the castle. We must prepare to endure a long siege— working quickly, lay in full supplies of clown makeup.”
• “You will not defeat me this time, Captain Awesome, for I have discovered your weakness— you’re a mediocre Bridge player, at best!”
• “Well, Cap’n, it looks like we’ve made some mistake in our navigation. When I asked ashore, it turns out we’re not in the eastern Mediterranean, this is a car wash in Boise, Idaho.”
• “Avast thar, ye scurvy dogs! Yer usin’ the wrong vector data fer yer Bayesian multivariate linear regression!”
• “I’m telling you, the data are clear— this volcano is going to blow, and it’s going to blow soon! You’ve got to start bringing in the marshmallows and graham crackers, right now!”
• “Well, if I had realized you were serious I would have kept the mimes talking longer.”
• “Oh no— they built the fusion reactor in neoclassical style when the design called for art deco! Get everyone out now, before it blows!”
• “What? You ate ALL the wicker furniture?”
• “This alliance with the kingdom of Ruritania will ensure our safety from the Viking hordes. Ruritania will supply its finest knights to guard our coasts, and we will supply them with our secret barbecue sauce recipe.”
• “Good heavens, you mean to say Lord and Lady Westincott have scheduled their spring gymkhana for the same weekend as Lady Melbury’s annual toad-licking contest?”
• “Well. I suppose that’s one way to plan a wedding, sure, but wouldn’t it be better to check the calendar BEFORE activating the particle accelerator?”
• “O Mary darling, how I love the adorable way you always say, ‘For the last time, you blithering idiot, my name is JOAN!'”
• “Now hold on thar, pardner. I’m the sheriff ’round here, and ya’ may think ya’ got the drop on me, but I’m tellin’ ya’ that thar salamander is left-handed.”
• “Here’s your mistake. The recipe calls for a tablespoon of lemon juice, but you added a live cow.”
• “You know I love your writing, Will, but this scene where King Lear fights Godzilla seems a bit out of place.”
• “But if we do that, then who will guard the mimes?”
• “My name is Lancelot. Sir Lancelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table, and we’ve gotta get these here cattle rounded up afore any low-down rustlers get ahold of ’em.”
• “Yes, well, that’s true but not really relevant. What matters is WHERE the aardvark hid the anchovy paste.”
• “The enemy will most likely attack at dawn… make sure the troops have all finished spray-painting their tuning forks.”
• “Why Mr Darcy, what a scandalous suggestion! Surely you know it’s quite improper to substitute a banjo for the bagpipes.”
• “And whatever you do, be careful! There’s nothing more dangerous than a rogue zither.”
• “My colleagues laughed at me, called me mad— mad! But the last laugh will be mine, when I unleash my hybrid theremin-zither-bagpipes upon the world!”
• Ballet Unlikely To Be Performed: Dance of the Sweaty, Beefy Guys
• “What nonsense! Anyone with sense knows that lobsters are larger than kumquats.”
• “You know I love your writing, Will, but I think you might wanna revise this speech that starts ‘Alas poor Yorick, he owed me twenty bucks, Horatio.'”
• “Now now, let’s not argue, what matters isn’t pointing fingers. The tortoise herd has stampeded; we have to round them up before they reach the ball bearing factory, and that’s that.”
• “So you’re telling me sensors detect an alien spacecraft approaching, with a crew of vampires, werewolves and cattle rustlers, flying the Jolly Roger, and— for crying out loud, will someone pick a genre already?”
• “No, you fool! I said ‘Throw the switch’ not ‘Teach tap-dancing to the warthog!'”
• “It was not until three days after the wagon train left the last outpost on the frontier, and was deep into the wild west, that someone said ‘Hey wait a minute, we forgot the wagons!'”
• “Let the criminal underground beware, for I am Bread-Man and I have the power to delay the staling of homemade bread for up to 24 hours more than it would otherwise take!”
• “Run for your lives! He’s grabbed the wrong echidna!”
• “Oh sure, hindsight is 20-20. But where were you BEFORE we built the fusion reactor out of wicker?”
• “Igor, you fool, I said my creature needed BRAINS. Stop laying track this instant.”
• “What have I done? My creature is loose— loose! And if not stopped, it could mildly inconvenience tens of people!”
• “Sensors show the Klingons are moving into an attack formation. Tell the crew to change their socks now!”
• “We are at T minus 10 minutes in the countdown to launch of the first manned mission to Mars. 10 minutes on the clock, though the countdown is currently in a planned hold to let the astronauts finish their bagpipe lessons.”
• “Oh I say, would you be so kind as to prepare the cannon for firing, and raise the flag with the skull on it which indicates our status as pirates? Then, we shall proceed to apprehend that merchant vessel full of desirable cargo.”
• “Yes, I was the one who disguised myself as the ghost haunting the abandoned amusement park! And I would’ve got away with it, too, if not for you meddling professional police detectives!”
• “We had expected to escort him to Washington, but when the flying saucer landed the little green man didn’t say ‘Take me to your leader,’ he said ‘Take me to the nearest zither repair shop.'”
• “Admiral, there seems to have been a mistake. The tree sloth has been assigned to the Oompah Band.”
• “Yes! It was me! I was the one who filled the warp engines with expired yogurt. I admit it, okay can we move on now?”
• Instructions Unlikely To Be Part Of A Home Craft Project: “Use an ultra-fine sandpaper to carefully smooth the surface of the eggshell before gluing the accordion to it.”
• “I want every detective in the precinct assigned to this case. This is the biggest banjo heist in nearly a century and I want it solved!”
• “Sadly, we have had to cut your position from the company. We simply don’t see a need for a mime in the building maintenance department.”
• “I knew the dame was trouble the moment she slinked into my office. Said she needed a Private Eye. I explained I was a haberdasher.”
• “Sometimes I lie awake at night, wondering what aardvarks think about Baroque architecture.”
• “Detective, it appears someone did try to warn the victim. But when they yelled ‘Duck!’ apparently he thought they meant it in the “crouch down” sense, which of course just brought him right into its path.”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘My boy, proper maintenance of a Model-T Ford rarely requires the use of pelicans.’ I try to live by his wisdom.”
• “O Mary darling, how I love the adorable way you tattoo a platypus!”
• “Hey! Stop that sushi before it does the tango!”
• “I’ve been a podiatrist for a long time, and I can assure you it is NOT normal to graft a banjo onto that.”
• “Doggone it, that gol-durned cat got into the indexed depreciation forms agin.”
• “Quick, our lives depend on the answer— zither or calliope? ZITHER OR CALLIOPE?”
• “Well, that’s what’s gonna happen when you ask a mountain goat to do a sea cucumber’s job.”
• “But of course! It all makes sense now— it was a rutabaga, not a carrot, that was hidden in the particle accelerator!”
• “I realize you feel betrayed, but as a marriage counselor I must point out when someone says ‘My spouse cheated on me’ they don’t usually mean ‘By ruining the curve on the Algebra midterm.'”
• “You’re telling me that with less than one hour to the launch of the D-day invasion, you still have not found enough unsweetened carrot juice?”
• “No, not until the mimes finish the calculus textbook.”
• “The tango? Don’t you understand these are river otters, not sea otters?”
• “All right Mugsy, take Louie and Rocco and Vinnie the Chin and go make that shopkeeper an offer he can’t refuse: a million bucks for a stick of gum. But only if it’s spearmint.”
• “It’s a catchy tune but maybe you should change the lyrics. I don’t think anyone will want to sing ‘The Yellow Nose of Texas.'”
• “Teacher! Teacher! Jimmy said I cant tell the diff’rence atween a Lycaena rauparaha and a Glaucopsyche lygdamus! Make im take it back!”
• “Let’s not mince words. They’re better julienned.”
• “O Mary darling, no one can wear their gall bladder on the outside as charmingly as you!” (Hat tip to @Pantherista)
• “Abort the launch! Abort the launch! This isn’t rocket fuel— it’s Velveeta!”
• “For thirty years I’ve tried to develop this trick, which would surely be the most famous illusion in all of stage magic, but finally I must admit defeat. It is simply impossible to shuffle an adult rhinoceros into a deck of cards.”
• “So it turns out you can’t fluff a tapir.”
• Statistic Unlikely To Be Useful: The number of times the word “Antediluvian” is spoken aloud in an average week in the city of Boise, Idaho.
• “Objection, your honor! Opposing counsel keeps breaking my crayons!”
• “At last I have completed my 30-volume history of toothpick designs!”
• “Doctor, the patient’s BP is crashing! Heart rate 180, temp high, and he’s wearing a really ugly tie!”
• “We’re all relieved the blockage turned out not to be malignant, but the surgical staff are still curious how the patient got an entire grand piano into his left nostril in the first place.”
• “Certainly we wish we could accommodate you, but I’m afraid the casino simply isn’t prepared to host someone in a rutabaga costume.”
• “We nearly panicked when, in the middle of our main engine burn for Mars Orbital Insertion, we suddenly remembered we were driving an RV on I-35.”
• “Normally I’d have to say ‘No’ to such a request, but in this case I think I’ll say ‘Deedly-doo-wheezy-wo-binky-bop!'”
• “At last, after decades of painstaking linguistic analysis, I have determined the precisely correct word to describe what you feel when a penguin beats you at canasta!”
• “No, we will not accept a plea bargain unless you reveal where your accomplice hid the Parmesan cheese.”
• “Quick! We must nictate the fraccilator before the hyperastrochron decrackulates the mesoperimetizer, or else this souffle will never rise!”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘My boy, never trust a sea cucumber to design your gazebo.’ If only I had listened!”
• “Fall was always a special time on the farm. It was harvest time, and my Dad and me would be out at the crack of dawn, plucking fresh tacos from the taco trees.”
• “We can’t activate the fusion reactor on schedule, we don’t have enough grapes.”
• “Let the criminal underworld beware, for I, Captain Awesome, have almost finished lunch and will be back to crimefighting right after my nap!”
• “Yes, General, there is precedent for summoning Godzilla when Earth is faced with an alien monster so destructive that the collateral damage is the smaller price. But I don’t think stopping that rabbit from eating your chrysanthemums counts.”
• “Well sure, hindsight is 20-20 but where were you when we first planned to build the anti-shark cage out of ham?”
• “We’re ready to launch the invasion— put the double-A batteries into the tanks now!”
• “Quick, Watson! The game’s a-spleen!”
• “Okay, I give you points for creativity but I still think it was a bad idea to have Godzilla make the lace doilies.”
• “As a dentist I can say you do have beautiful teeth. But they will last longer if you store them inside.”
• “My name is Lancelot. Sir Lancelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table, and my records show your auto warranty is about to expire.”
• “O Mary darling, loving you is like a dream— one of those weird ones where everyone has a shrimp head and there’s an ocelot playing the accordion for some reason.”
• “I really would not have expected mime racing to become a billion-dollar entertainment juggernaut, but here we are.”
• “I’m sorry, Captain, we can’t engage warp drive until the chicken finishes the embroidery!”
• “Now hold on thar, pardner. Ah’m the Sheriff o’ these here parts. Yew gotta license fer that scanning electron microscope?”
• “And this time remember to put the cat out BEFORE the trans-lunar injection burn!”
• “This was no boating accident! And it wasn’t a propeller, or a coral reef, or Jack the Ripper. It was a sea cucumber.”
• “You know I love your writing, Will, but I wonder if it would be more dramatic if you had Julius Caesar’s last words be something other than ‘Ow! Hey, that hurt, you jerks!'”
• “Captain! The Kryzoid battle fleet has emerged from hyperspace on an intercept course— and every ship has its fake mustache in place!”
• “Ever since I was a child I wanted to be a haberdasher. I dreamed of nothing else. And yet here I am, a Pirate Ninja Treasure Hunter. We just have to accept life’s disappointments.”
• “I have a ranch out west with a thousand head of Galapagos tortoises… or at least I did, until the day of the stampede.”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘I said OKRA, not OTTER!’ That’s always stayed with me.”
• “Well, here’s your problem: the matter/antimatter reaction chambers has been filled with marshmallow fluff.”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research, I have finally trained a Pseudoceros dimidiatus to worry about having enough life insurance!”
• “I’m sorry, I can’t allow the bagpipers to tap dance on my ceviche.”
• “On this day of giving thanks, it’s important not to overlook the things we just take for granted. I, for one, am thankful that my toenails do not detonate anytime someone uses the word ‘pickle.'”
• “We have a confirmed sighting— Godzilla is heading this way. Start playing the Hokey-Pokey now.”
• “Earthlings! I am Vorgax the Destroyer, Overlord of the Kryzoid Empire! If you would save your world send out your mightiest champion to meet me in single combat in the sacred contest of Hopscotch!”
• “Mission control to Rocketship X-1 urgent! You are off course, repeat off course! You must do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself about!”
• “We have tested the specimen using both radiocarbon and potassium-argon dating methods and can prove conclusively this organism lived in days of yore.”
• “I say, Smythe, what a remarkable find— the fully preserved mummy of an ancient Egyptian Pharaoh, with Groucho glasses intact!”
• “Arrr, ye scurvy dogs! Raise the mains’l! Run out the cannon! I mean ta overtake yon merchant ship an’ seize every jar o’ pesto sauce in ‘er hold!”
• “Now look— I have tried to be patient but now I really must insist: return my warthog costume and leave the operating room now!”
• “I am Vorgax the Destroyer, Supreme Overlord of the Kryzoid Empire! People of Earth, our battle fleet has your world at our mercy and I warn you now— your hollandaise sauce is underseasoned!”
• “We’re running out of time— if we don’t get the podiatrists into the accounting office before high tide, the ship is doomed!”
• “Well sure, hindsight is 20-20, but I don’t recall you raising any objections when we were first PLANNING to build the Mars probe out of foie gras.”
• “More haggis on my tiramisu, please.”
• “Now, go! And do not return until you have completed your quest, and can stand before me with a warthog’s toenail clippings in hand!”
• “I told you to fetch an aardvark. This is a lemur. The shoulder pads will not even FIT on it.”
• “You fool, you’ve activated the banana release!”
• “Quick! Hand me that rutabaga before the mimes arrive!”
• “Let me get this straight. You journeyed across the Forbidden Plains, descended to the deepest point in the Cave of Peril, were about to open the Cask of Destiny, and only THEN realized you forgot your eyelash curler?”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘Not now kid, I’m feeding my duck!’ How his wisdom has stayed with me!”
• “You know I love your writing, Will, but I think you need to change the part where he says ‘Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me two bucks until Tuesday, okay?'”
• “And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, ‘Merry Christmas to all, except that house where they put out kale chips instead of sugar cookies. Seriously, dudes, what were you thinking?'”
• “And there upon the bridge I beheld the fell and deadly creature that haunts the nightmares of our people… the dreaded Duck of Doom had come.”
• “Yes! I, the Oracle of the Forbidden Mountains, see all and know all. And I give you this warning— when you see the aardvark, put down the ukulele!”
• “A xylophone? But what about the podiatrists?”
• “General, bad news! We’ve checked the supplies for the invasion force, and all the accordions are off-key!”
• “Look, Igor, my creature is perfect! Only one piece remains to complete it: the toenails of the world’s greatest scientist!”
• “The murderer was very clever, but not clever enough to fool Poirot! I saw at once that it was not clown-white makeup on the victim’s cheek, but mime-white, proving the neurosurgeon Dr Eckerly is the killer!”
• New Year’s Resolution Unlikely To Be Achieved: Win the Indy 500 while riding an armadillo.
• “And aye, ever since that dread night, the undead creature has arisen with each full moon, to feed upon the toenail clippings of the living!”
• “I love you, but it can never work out between us. Although maybe if you step back a bit so it has room for its exer-cycle…”
• “We’re only five minutes away from testing the new faster-than-light hyperdrive, and you’re only telling me NOW that the custard turned out runny?”
• “Oh come now, you can’t expect me to believe you PLANNED for the accordion to attract that many otters.”
• “I just can’t figure out what she wants! I mean, I can be romantic! I gave her a pulsed neutrino emitter with quantum phase isolation for our anniversary, what more does she want?”
• “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research, I have found a treatment that will forever end the scourge of belly button lint!”
• “Now hold on thar, stranger. I’m the Sheriff o’ these here parts, and yew gotta account fer yerself to me, afore you go deployin’ that thar solar neutrino emission detector array.”
• “I trusted you, and you betrayed me! I will never loan you my corn cob holders again, not after you wantonly used them to pick up that dill pickle!”
• “You know I love your writing, Will, but maybe there’s a better topic for Hamlet’s soliloquy than whether he should change his name to Toby or not?”
• “Well, here’s your problem: you’ve got a grand piano stuck in the fuel injector.”
• “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, be sycophantic and variegated when displaying your perspicacity.’ I try to live by his wisdom.”