It’s time for another archive of my daily Twitter post, Dialog Unlikely To Be Used! If you’d like to follow the daily posts, find me at @keithgoodnight with hashtag #DUTBU.
In other news-of-my-blog, November is just up ahead and with it the annual National Novel Writing Month. I will be using the occasion to try and get back to my neglected History of the United Colonies series. Stay tuned!
Dialog Unlikely To Be Used, volume 9
- “O Mary darling, you have the loveliness of a rose, the strength of steel, and the eyelashes of a John Deere model 200C LC Industrial Excavator!”
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research, I have finally succeeded in inventing a toaster oven that feels bad about its career choices!”
- “You never loved me, never! All along, you only wanted access to my clown shoe collection!”
- “Bad news— the pesto sauce is conspiring against us.”
- “You know, I’ve just about had it with the whole dating scene! Why is it every nice person I meet wants me to give up my yak hair toupee business?”
- “The great irony here is that the victim’s one phobia was of aardvarks learning to tap dance. It’s almost as if, somehow, he knew what was coming…”
- “The board of inquiry has now determined the cause of the Mars mission’s failure: the TELCOM, GNC, and EECOM controllers failed to agree on who was supposed to bring the cheese dip.”
- “Wait! Everyone stop, be alert— something is wrong here. I can feel it in my uvula.”
- “I can’t go on like this! Every day, it’s tattoo the salmon, tattoo the salmon! I need a break!”
- “You’ve got to listen to me! This volcano is going to blow, and we don’t have any marshmallows!”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, never teach a duck to play the cello.’ If only I had listened!”
- “Of COURSE you went bankrupt! You opened a restaurant in Texas and served pie without ice cream? Did no one tell you to remember the A La Mode?”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, when a ship strikes a stationary object, that’s called an “allision” not a “collision.”‘ His wisdom will always stay with me!”
- “Cap’n, I cannae change the laws o’physics! The warp drive will explode in an hour, but it takes eight to properly smoke a brisket!”
- “Well I’m sure you do know the trumpet part perfectly, it’s just that you’re not playing a trumpet, that’s a chocolate eclair.”
- “No no, you must insert the cinnamon roll BEFORE priming the detonator!”
- “Hey, don’t hog all the supplies! Other people need to tie-dye their accordions too, you know!”
- “Get a hold of yourself! This is no time to panic! Panic’s scheduled for two o’clock, we have mild anxiety and nervousness now!”
- “My name is Lancelot, Sir Lancelot of Camelot, and these shoes are too tight.”
- Action Unlikely To Be Illegal: Performing coronary bypass surgery without a ukulele in one hand.
- “Well I suppose we could build the Mars rocket to this design, but where would we put the emu?”
- “Doctor come quick! The patient’s frombolyticizing his nictofrangelin levels and we’ve got to antibobulate before he goes into irreversible mictopanglyssian urtifragilostasis!”
- “Sound the trumpets and let the heralds proclaim that the King himself rides forth at the head of his knights, and will not rest until he has found that thing at the drugstore that he needs.”
- “Mrs Smith, we’ve discussed your husband’s case with every specialist in the hospital, and we all agree: we wish he was our uncle, because that would be really neat.”
- “All right, but we’ll have to check with the mime repairman first.”
- “Away with ye, varlet! Trouble not the King with thy multivariate statistical analysis!”
- “Well I suppose I’m not sure, but I do believe that weasels are unable to cook gnocchi.”
- “I say, Smythe, the mummified body of the Pharaoh Imhotep, cursed to linger forever as a shambling, undead mockery of life, is beating you at Monopoly.”
- “Yes, it can be done! I’m certain of it! We need only make the pistons out of aged brie, and the rest will be easy!”
- “But— But— you can’t! Surely you understand what will happen if you tell the aardvarks about the Parcheesi set?”
- “You know I love your writing, Will, but I think you can delete this entire scene that begins when Hamlet asks Horatio, ‘Who’s on first?'”
- “You don’t understand! The ship is sinking, there aren’t enough lifeboats, and we’re a full six feet from shore! Half the people on this ship are going to get their ankles wet!”
- “The irony is, if he had paid attention to his horoscope he wouldn’t have taken his elephant to the opera in the first place.”
- “Now hold on thar, pardner. I’m the Sheriff o’ this here town, and yew cain’t jest waltz in here like that. City ordinance says yew gotta tango.”
- “Wait, it’s a FUSION reactor? But what about the Lima beans?”
- “Oh for cryin’ out loud, listen to your mother and stop tryin’ to translate that Sanskrit inscription this instant!”
- “Quick, we’ve got to stop them! They’re about to launch the Mars probe and the quilt hasn’t been fully backstitched!”
- “Oh no, he’s got the wrong aardvark!”
- “Sorry, I can’t make it tonight. I’ve got my swollen-uvula support group and you know what that means to me.”
- “So, it seems the old fortune teller was correct— but I vow I will escape this dungeon WITH my julienned carrots, all the same.”
- “Oh dear Lord no, the podiatrists have started knitting!”
- “And here we see a priceless Ming vase, dated to around 1500, and most unusually preserved with its full coating of chia seeds intact.”
- “Listen up, yew low-down, yellah-bellied polecat! Yew cain’t talk to me like that! Yew got somethin to say to me, yew use iambic pentameter, not Anglo-Saxon alliterative verse!”
- “I say, Smythe, what a remarkable find! The fossilized skeleton of a Psittacosaurus, captured in the exact moment of learning its car had been repossessed!”
- “And here we see indisputable archaeological evidence that yes, the ancient Mayans did suffer from belly button lint.”
- “Aye, and ever since that fateful day, every night when the Moon is full the frightful specter haunts the moors, forever searching for its lost Parcheesi set.”
- “No, you fool, you’ve activated the aardvark wrangler!”
- “We’ve got to make that hyperspace jump in fifteen minutes or we’re dead! Everyone start playing your harmonicas, and thank heavens we have enough cream cheese!”
- “Why, you asinine, recondite dilettante! Give me back my thesaurus!”
- “People told me not to, told me I had no chance, but I followed my dream, and let nothing stop me, and one day I WILL succeed in training a sea cucumber to compete in dressage!”
- “No, it’s okay, this is a fully trained seeing-eye slug.”
- “I’m putting together an elite strike team for a mission behind enemy lines, and you’re the best emu wrangler in the fleet. Are you in?”
- “I’m sorry, but I’m breaking up with you. It’s not you, it’s me, I just can’t be with someone who feeds his pet tree sloth anchovies.”
- “O Mary darling, you have the most beautiful singing voice of any iron filing collector I’ve met this week!”
- “Growing up, I always resented my parents. It’s only when I look back that I realize the reason they seemed so distant is because I kept looking through the wrong end of the binoculars.”
- “Captain! Sonar contact at bearing one nine five, range one mile, acoustic profile suggests probable missile sub crewed entirely by left-handed mimes.”
- “Incredible as it seems, some freak of atomic mutation has caused this harmless creature to grow to unbelievable size. And now all humanity is threatened by the attack of the 50-foot cow!”
- “No no, that’s okay, I was going to order the tree slug anyway.”
- “In troubled times, just remember the old saying: When life gives you lemons, paint smiley faces on all your chess pieces and stack ducks on your head.”
- “Captain, sensors show the Romulans are mooning us again.”
- “O Mary darling, no one will ever pour concrete as gracefully as you!”
- “Ride for Camelot by the swiftest way, you must warn the King ere it is too late— Mordred’s forces approach, and they are on roller skates!”
- “You never loved me, never! You only married me for my Iveco 2350G 8X4 Agitator!”
- “Oh, I’m sorry, did I irradiate your ocarina?”
- “Well if you’re going to be that way, I won’t let you play Parcheesi in the fusion reactor core any more.”
- “There’s no time to explain, you just have to trust me— this will be the most important zither performance in human history!”
- “Every old sailor loves the Sea, but knows ne’er to trust her. Aye, she’s a harsh mistress, beautiful but deadly, and really hard to shop for on Valentine’s Day.”
- “What? The marmosets drank ALL the tequila?”
- “This isn’t easy for me to say, but: a sesquipedalian otorhinolaryngologist from Llanfairpwllgwyngyll stole my shingle froe.”
- “Amazing! This previously unknown play by William Shakespeare, its authenticity proved beyond all question, is the first work of Elizabethan theater ever discovered that was meant to be performed entirely by orthodontists!”
- “Earth to Rocketship X303! The spaceships of the Evil Spider Queen of Vorgax are attacking! Only you can save the world! Captain Zap Spacehero, you must turn your horses around and ride for Earth as fast as you can!”
- “I never thought I’d say this to you, but: your lip balm has become sentient.”
- Today, a special April Fool’s edition of Dialog Unlikely To Be Used #DUTBU: “I’ve completely run out of ideas for Dialog Unlikely To Be Used! April Fool! Ha-ha, I fooled you! Oh wait, I wasn’t supposed to start by saying it was an April Fool’s edition, was I?”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, enjoy a nice, cold, refreshing beverage.’ I try to live by his wisdom.”
- “O Mary darling, seeing you warms my heart, just as the anterior hypothalamic nucleus stimulates the body’s adipocytes to perform thermogenesis during states of hypothermia!”
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research, I have finally created the world’s first nuclear-powered toothpick!”
- “General, I can report that due to a perfectly executed tactical maneuver, we now control the enemy’s entire supply of wicker furniture.”
- “No! Not the rutabagas! Oh please no, not the rutabagas!”
- “The thing is, she still hasn’t picked the bridesmaid dresses, and we can’t get the matching otter costumes until she does.”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘Doggone it, I’ve had the theme from “Green Acres” stuck in my head all day!’ His wisdom has always stayed with me.”
- “Quick! Close down the casino before we run out of gerbils!”
- “My name is Lancelot. Sir Lancelot of Camelot, Private Detective.”
- “What? No, the aardvark on the LEFT.”
- “Well, okay, this is partly my fault. When I said the uniform division needs a cobbler I didn’t mean for you to serve them dessert.”
- “Captain, sensors indicate a massive spatial distortion directly ahead. I recommend we rend our garments and cry ‘Woe, woe!'”
- Proverb Unlikely To Be Considered Wise: “A man who will not sew a pie will never inherit his cousin’s yak.”
- “The ducks are coming! Quick, hide the Monopoly board!”
- “O Mary darling, nothing can ever come between us! At least not until we find a way to dissolve this glue I accidentally spilled all over us…”
- “Calling all cars, calling all cars. Be on the lookout for an armed suspect, described as nine feet tall, with purple hair, and dressed in a giant otter costume. Wanted for stealing 500 wicker lawn chairs. Believed to be on foot.”
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research, I have finally proved that mitochondria dislike playing canasta!”
- “Bad news, General— the enemy has seized the bagpipe factory.”
- “I appreciate your desire to emulate a famed strategist, General, but when Napoleon said ‘An army marches on its stomach’ he wasn’t speaking literally.”
- “Think very carefully, for your life may depend on your answer: if you danced with a marmoset, what color tuxedo would you wear?”
- “I could feel it in the air, this was the place. I had only to take cover and wait, and soon I would be the first to witness the secret convocation of duck orthodontists.”
- “Calling Captain Spacehero— a fleet of Kryzoid warships is attacking the Moons of Jupiter! Only you and your Super-Rocketship can reach the Atomic Space Mimes in time!”
- “O Mary darling, I don’t know how to tell you how much I lohv you… er, lave you… I mean, lhuve… seriously, I don’t know how to say it. Do you have any pointers?”
- “This is the police. We’ve got the building surrounded, come out with your hands up. And hopping on one leg. While singing “Row row row your boat.” And wearing a bag of potato chips as a hat.”
- “I say, Smythe, what a remarkable find! The mummified remains of the Pharaoh Imhotep’s second cousin’s brother-in-law’s pet duck, perfectly preserved!”
- “Igor you fool, you’ve connected the wrong wires and now I’ve accidentally bestowed life on my cold pasta salad!”
- “A perilous quest awaits thee, brave Sir Knight, and you must away ere evening falls. Therefore gird on thy sword, and mount thy unicycle!”
- “Nuclear fission? But this is a tomato!”
- “Bad news— there’s a rutabaga in the neutrino detector.”
- Song Unlikely To Be Sung:
“Oh give me a home
Where the buffalo roam
And the deer and the antelope
Calculate actuarial statistics for
A local life insurance company.” - “Eureka, Jenkins! fter decades of research I have conclusively proved that it is darker at night than during the day!”
- “Now now, let’s not lose our heads. There’s plenty of space in the storage locker for all of them.”
- “I say, Smythe, ask that Papilio glaucus where it left my car keys, would you?”
- “Okay, let’s all stay calm here. Sir— very, very carefully, put down the zucchini.”
- “Arr, Mateys, hoist the Jolly Roger and run out the cannons! We’ll seize yon merchantman and take the entire cargo of Brussels sprouts fer ourselves!”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, we must eschew aardvark palimpsests.’ I try to live by his wisdom!”
- “Let us now eat of the Artichoke of Assignment, and so symbolize our dedication to the quest for the Salad Tongs of Power.”
- “Well I suppose you have a point, but if so then how does an otter comb its mustache?”
- “Bad news, General— the 101st Airborne Division was issued faulty espresso machines.”
- “Captain! I’ve discovered why the warp engines won’t engage— we’re actually riding a tricycle.”
- “We must never speak of what has happened here. The secret must be kept forever, lest the knowledge undermine the game of Parcheesi for all time.”
- “Hey, for the last time, will you PLEASE repaint that doghouse? It’s interfering with my magnetic resonance calculations!”
- “Honestly, we never saw it coming. We really thought a computer would do a better job of plotting the orbital trajectory than an abacus.”
- “But, wait— you’re saying these bagpipes were ALL manufactured by unlicensed mimes?”
- “We’ve calculated quantum magnetic field effects, run hundreds of computer simulations, consulted every physicist on the planet, and all the evidence agrees: we should have consulted a veterinarian about the dog’s indigestion.”
- “Yes, but not with an artificial gerbil.”
- “Guns, tanks, bombs— they’re like toys against them! There’s only one thing that will stop the Martian invaders: whoopee cushions.”
- “Of course! Now it all makes sense! It was the LEFT-handed albatross that stole the sugar cookies from the reactor control room all along!”
- “Urgent— the bagpipe solo needs to be longer!”
- “Oh no— the urologists have the photometer!”
- “O Mary darling, how I adore the perfect ratio of the diameter of your left eye tooth to that of your right big toe!”
- “Excuse me, waiter, I ordered Pad Thai, but this is a bucket of hex bolts.”
- “But then who left the kumquats in the laundromat?”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, do not make a gin and tonic with anchovy paste.’ If only I had listened!”
- “Captain, sensors detect a really cool-looking thing, way out there, like, kind of in the direction we’re going.”
- “Speak, varlet, and declare thy purpose! Why bringest thou a Parcheesi set before the King?”
- “My name is Lancelot, Sir Lancelot of Camelot. Does this come with chocolate sauce?”
- “Okay, that was my fault, when you said ‘Hit the self-destruct button!’ I thought you said ‘Hit ON the self-destruct button.’ But we can try again after we get back from our date.”
- “Why yew gol-durned, low-down, yellah-bellied sidewinder! Yew better smile afore you say that about the Stimpson Model 83GW industrial grommet press!”
- “French toast? But then what happened to the Mahjong tiles?”
- “Okay, let’s see. Hammer, check. Saw, check. Carpenter’s level, check. Good. I’ve got everything I need to make risotto.”
- “No, I said dance the tango with the aardvark BEHIND the grape arbor!”
- “Oh no, he’s tie-dyed the accordion again.”
- “Yes, it was an ingenious scheme, one which might well have succeeded had you not miscalculated the elasticity of a typical parsley stem!”
- “Well General, I believe the flaw in your plan was to rely on your sofa cushion fort for your defensive position.”
- “Hey! Stop dehydrating my celery!”
- “Amazing! Who could have imagined that your encyclopedic knowledge of late 20th century dance fads would prove the key to a radical advance in home foundation repair?”
- “Now now, you must eat your vegetables. Putting them in charge of the cosmology department does no good at all.”
- “There’s no time! This volcano is about to blow, we have to decide NOW! Strawberry jam on the brie, or raspberry?”
- “You see, Watson, in hoping to conceal his crime the murderer failed to realize that a warthog will always be drawn to the scent of vanilla custard!”
- “Warp speed? But this is an artichoke!”
- “Good heavens! We’ve tested the core sample and this sedimentary layer isn’t Ordovician shale, it’s cheese dip!”
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research I have finally discovered a method of applying antiperspirant to sea cucumbers!”
- “Oh sure, but can you play Parcheesi in a coal mine?”
- “Well I would love to help you recalibrate the fuel injection on your 5045E John Deere utility tractor, but my tuxedo has the wrong number of arms.”
- “But in order for that to work, you’d have to teach the chicken to make apple martinis FIRST, right?”
- “I may just be an old country veterinarian, but I can tell when a sea cucumber is upset over its career prospects.”
- “Fire the port cannons, sir? But what about the asparagus?”
- “All hands to the braces! Raise sail! Helm hard about! Wash the lace doilies!”
- “You’ve got to believe me! I’ve checked my findings and there’s no doubt— if we don’t do something in time, lunch will be delayed by fifteen whole minutes!”
- “There’s no use denying it— we’re facing a worldwide shortage of belly button lint.”
- “Cap’n, signal from the flagship: ‘Admiral to fleet, begin baking bundt cakes now.'”
- “The enemy fleet has been sighted! All mimes to their unicycles, now!”
- Novel Unlikely To Be Written: The Crepes of Wrath
- Novel Unlikely To Be Written: The Lord of the Earrings
- Novel Unlikely To Be Written: The Rather Bland and Unremarkable Gatsby
- Novel Unlikely To Be Written: The Sea Cucumber of the Baskervilles
- “My name is Lancelot, Sir Lancelot of Camelot, and I am here to unclog your drain.”
- “I’m the Sheriff o’ Dry Gulch township, Stranger, and I’m tellin ya if yew wanna go to the county fair, yew gotta leave your solar telescope at the gate.”
- “Come on, don’t give up now— we only need to keep hold of the umbrella until the podiatrists finish the raft!”
- “The reactor’s about to go critical— add the bay leaves now!”
- “Well sure, hindsight is 20-20. But where were you when we PLANNED to make the spacecraft out of instant ramen?”
- “Send a message to Headquarters— good news! Our scouts have the enemy encampments under observation, and their s’more toasting forks are definitely second-rate!”
- “My Lords and Knights of the kingdom! We must rally to the aid of our beloved Princess during this dark hour! Somewhere in the Castle she has lost a contact lens!”
- “Back when I was young, I remember how the old folks would sit around the pickle barrel at the General Store, trading gossip, while Ole Zeke would be working away at electroplating his shoelaces.”
- “What? They ate ALL the teriyaki chicken? But what about the solar telescope?”
- “Oh, I’m sorry, did I knit your penguin?”
- “Take your platoon around the left flank— and hurry! You must stop the enemy before they finish their souffle!”
- “Excuse me, Waiter, this is not what I ordered. The duck l’orange was supposed to come with risotto, not a box of paperclips.”
- “Doctor, come quickly! The patient’s toenails are growing even faster!”
- “I’m sorry to have to give you the bad news, but your mime is underpowered.”
- “This is serious! Those mangoes must be freeze-dried before the reactor goes critical, or else we’re all doomed!
- “Reef the tops’ls and bring the ship about to the other tack, Lieutenant. Heave-to when the lead finds the shoals on the lee shore. I shall be in my cabin looking up more nautical terms to use.”
- “This new enemy strategy could cause us real trouble along the front line. We literally have no defense against an army on wicker unicycles.”
- “Captain, sensors detect an energy source in the nebula just ahead… readings suggest an alien spacecraft, concealed within the high concentration of all that foggy, cool-looking nebula stuff.”
- “It was my mistake; when the old fortune teller warned me to beware of a salamander impersonating a duck, I just assumed it was a metaphor of some kind.”
- “This time, Captain Awesome, you will not stop me! I, Nemesis Man, have finally discovered your weakness! Behold my unstoppable army of mutated atomic brine shrimp!”
- “So, my old adversary, we meet again— but this time it is MY Parcheesi set that is painted green!”
- “Quick, grab the parakeet before the podiatrists arrive!”
- “Oh puh-leeeze! You can’t expect me to agree to that, not unless you activate the chicken first.”
- “Look out! He’s got a beverage!”
- “I’m warning you, if you ever pull anything like that again I’ll degauss your aardvark but good!”
- “This is a various situation… I mean, a very serious collation… I mean a varicose insulation… I mean a berry sherbet… oh blast, can we just start over from the part where the aliens invade?”
- “Stop the countdown! Abort the launch! We forgot to add the marshmallows!”
- “Thank you for your application to join the Avengers. Unfortunately, we don’t believe the power to make mimes question their career choices will fit in with the team’s current needs.”
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of painstaking research, I have finally invented a lacy doily that is even doilier!”
- “I’m sorry sir, there’s no admittance to the reactor control center unless you’re wearing a proper giant otter costume.”
- “We just never expected it. Two thousand landing craft, more than a million troops ready to pour onto the Normandy beaches, and now D-day has to be canceled because the cucumber sandwiches didn’t have their crusts cut off.”
- “Your majesty, all your knights stand ready to slay this dragon— you need only name your choice for which will wield the legendary Spork of Power!”
- “O Mary darling, your biochemical processes involve the most beautiful adenosine triphosphate molecules of anyone!”
- “Bad news, General. The Supply Corps just told us they won’t have enough rubber duckies to equip every artillery piece.”
- “No, you fool! That’s not the right way to frappe a muskrat!”
- “I love you, but it can never work out between us… I just can’t get past the fact that we are, in the end, fictional characters.”
- “Wait just a moment— a comical robot, a laser gun, spacecraft flying through hyperspace… I say, Monsieur Poirot, we’ve stumbled into the wrong genre!”
- “Howdy stranger, an’ welcome to the town of Dry Gulch. Yew can tie up yer hoss over there, next to the umbrella repair shop.”
- “Excuse me, waiter, I’m going to have to send this back. I ordered a green salad, and this appears to be a bin full of used helicopter engine components.”
- “Excuse me, I don’t mean to alarm you but it appears your asparagus hat is dangerously wilted.”
- “Wait, you said ‘duck’ rather than ‘chicken?’ That changes the entire cosmological constant!”
- “I say, Smythe, I don’t mean to alarm you but it appears that the cursed mummy of the Pharaoh Imhotep, transformed by dark magic into a hideous mockery of life, is using your credit card.”
- “Avast thar, ye scurvy bilge rats! Calibrate that oscilloscope properly this time!”
- “All my life I believed I was born for a reason, that my life had a purpose, and at last I know what it is! Yes! From now on, I will dedicate my every waking moment to fine-tuning toothpick factory machinery!”
- “No! Activate the wicker aardvark on the LEFT.”
- “Admiral Nelson, the French fleet is assembling off Cape Trafalgar, and the Royal Air Force says they can’t offer support because the plane won’t be invented for another hundred years!”
- “Quick! Somebody get the emergency chicken!”
- “Yes, I remember the old days… Grandma and Grandpa sitting on the porch, Uncle Jack working on his old jalopy, all us kids playing with the antimatter containment system out back…”
- “Yes, I know we’re at T-minus 30 minutes for the Mars launch and we’re supposed to board the spacecraft. We’ll be there right after we finish playing in our sofa cushion fort.”
- “And ever since that dreadful night, at every full moon as darkness falls, he transforms into a were-accountant.”
- “Your honor, the defendant is charged with three counts of violating section 417-J, the willful and malicious addition of a bagpipe solo to a performance of ‘Minnie the Moocher.'”
- “Emperor Napoleon, I must inform you that Nelson has defeated out fleet at Trafalgar. I believe the loss can be attributed to our decision, regrettable in hindsight, to construct our ships out of bacon.”
- “Nemesis-Man you twisted fiend, your dastardly plan will not succeed! Not while I, Captain Awesome, stand between you and all the innocent garden slugs you plan to tie-dye!”
- “I say, Smythe, I believe these hieroglyphics pronounce a terrible curse upon whomever opens the tomb, warning that the reanimated mummy will beat the intruder in a best-of-three series of rock-paper-scissors.”
- “Bad news, General— the enemy cavalry has located our nectarine supply.”
- “Objection! Your Honor, please instruct the witness that clown shoes are to be worn on the FEET.”
- “We’re in a desperate situation— all is lost if, in the next three hours, we cannot find a helicopter repair technician who likes Brussels sprouts.”
- “Reach fer the sky, ya yella-bellied varmint! And if’n yew cain’t reach it, try addin’ more fuel to yer orbital insertion booster.”
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of painstaking research, I have finally discovered why people sit on chairs!”
- “The irony, Monsieur Poirot, is that only an hour before his death, Lord Melbury told the staff to varnish the very same stuffed armadillo that became the murder weapon.”
- “I don’t understand it. I smuggled the garden slugs into the bank vault, my army of mimes has seized the theatrical agent’s office, and yet I’m no closer to ruling the world.”
- “We’ve discovered the weakness of the Martian invaders! They are completely vulnerable to being hit with ping-pong balls!”
- “I love you but it can never work out between us. I just can’t be with someone who makes paper clip chains of inadequate tensile strength.”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, don’t combine rhyming couplets and alliterative verse in the same poem.’ If only I had listened, perhaps the Mars launch would have succeeded.”
- “It’s no use denying it: we have an eyewitness who saw you exiting the umbrella factory disguised as a banana.”
- “It’s a nice speech, Abe, but trust me: you need to change the opening line where it says ‘Four score and seven years ago, our fathers cooked a mighty tasty batch of spare ribs.'”
- “Well no, but then I never claimed to be a better pole vaulter than a colossal squid in the first place.”
- “O Mary darling, no one paints little faces on their industrial grommet collection as delicately as you!”
- “Let the criminal underworld beware, for I am Captain Awesome, endowed with the mighty power to wilt your asparagus before you even have a chance to cook it!”
- “Captain, the warp engines are offline and life support is failing! If we don’t make repairs in the next hour, all the yogurt will spoil!”
- “Okay, for the very last time, try not to mess this up again: THIS is the main control panel for the particle accelerator, and THAT is a cabbage.”
- “You’re telling me we’re less than an hour from launching the D-day operation, and ALL the Parcheesi sets have been tie-dyed?”
- “O Mary darling, how lovely is the sound of your voice when you do your amazing warthog impression!”
- “The enemy’s 9th corps is advancing! Quick, secure the patio furniture!”
- “There’s only one way to safely defuse the bomb— you must clip the blue wire while NOT letting the red wire fail the bar exam.”
- “Quick! All our lives depend on it! Wicker furniture or Brussels sprouts?
- “Thank you for your application to the Justice League. Unfortunately, we feel that super-uvula is not a power likely to be useful to the team.”
- “Now most important of all, you must ONLY press the red button in specific circumstances: all pressure readings are dropping, power is unsteady, it is the second Tuesday of the month, and the orangutans have started collecting stamps.”
- “With horror I saw what lay within the chest… yes, my own eyes have beheld that which haunts the nightmares of our people. I have seen the cursed Thimble of Destiny!”
- “I say, Mr Darcy, have you met Mr Fainsworthy, who recently purchased the Manor in Upper Shrewfordshire? A self-made man, they say, who made his fortune in the grooming of tree frogs.”
- “Puny Earthlings, tremble before the might of Vorgax the Destroyer, Lord of the Kryzoid Empire! Surrender all your bath toys at once, or we will seize them by force!”
- “Everyone, quick— nap! Nap for your lives!”
- “It’s a grave decision, but with Godzilla on a rampage we no longer have any choice. Wake up the mimes.”
- “Are you telling me we launched the Mars probe without a magician on board!?”
- “So you’re saying 35 previous groups of students took spring break trips to this isolated cabin, where every single one was killed by a monster in a hockey mask, and now you’ve brought US to the same place, and you forgot the marshmallows?”
- “No, the recipe will not work if you replace the cauliflower with an orangutan.”
- “Why no, I haven’t tattooed my salmon lately. Why do you ask?”
- “Pardner, Ole Deadeye Deke’s the fastest gun in the West, and afore yew challenge him to a quick draw, yew best have all your carrots julienned right smart!”
- “Everyone said I was wasting my time but I was right— we’d all be dead now if I hadn’t installed that sardine detector into the sensor array!”
- “So, my old nemesis, we meet again— but this time, *I* have the tie-dyed Parcheesi set!”
- “Objection, your honor! Please instruct opposing counsel to stop playing with my accordion!”
- “It’s no use, Captain. The only way to activate the warp engines now is to cover every deck of the ship in 1970s vintage shag carpet.”
- “O Mary darling, I love your beautiful eyes… but you’d better put them back in the freezer before someone starts asking where you got so many.”
- “I alone have succeeded where others failed! I alone have found the secret of bestowing life upon lifeless matter! Igor, throw the switch, and endow my stamp collection with life!”
