It’s time once again for another archive of my daily Twitter post, Dialog Unlikely To Be Used. Enjoy!
- “Look, I know that typos happen, but saying ‘Insert the wildebeest into the coolant system’ is a pretty big error when you meant ‘Fire second stage now.'”
- “One by one, every person there when the tomb was opened has fallen victim to the Mummy’s Curse. Yes, every single one now suffers from excess belly button lint.”
- “The Mars rocket has reached its orbital insertion point. Tell the mimes to start playing the bagpipes NOW.”
- “Wherefore hath russet dawn o’ertopped yon fithings e’er manners taketh hand in kindly countenance, yet… hang on a second, I think one of those is not actually a word.”
- “I suppose it’s my fault. When the General ordered ‘Advance against the enemy artillery positions’ I just assumed he intended the battalion to wear pants.”
- “O Mary darling, I will always remember the time we first met. You were playing your theremin and I was wearing my otter costume— what a magical night!”
- “I’m sorry. I was having a bad day, but that’s no excuse. I never should have said your Scharfenberg fully automatic coupler was badly painted.”
- “And ever since that night, the spectral form of a podiatrist has haunted the basement corridors of the Opera House.”
- “Bad news, General— due to a clerical error, headquarters is sending an armored division to reinforce your front line, rather than the twenty origami swans you asked for.”
- “I know that wasn’t easy for you to say. Especially with all the lizards.”
- “So that’s 47 accountants, 17 haberdashers, and 14 periodontologists. Yes, I believe that should be enough to stop the ferrets from playing with the pipe organ.”
- “We thought aquaculture would make our fortune, and indeed the sea urchin farm was a great success— until the day of the stampede.”
- “Once again your mad scheme of world domination has failed, Nemesis-Man, for I, Captain Awesome, am prepared with more than a dozen recipes for chopped rutabaga!”
- “Sorry I’m late. I couldn’t get the mime to shut up.”
- “O Mary darling, you inspire me with the dedication you bring to completing your collection of orange-painted mahjong tiles!”
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research I have finally succeeded in inventing the left-handed fish spatula!”
- “General, the top strategists in the Tactical Analysis Unit have evaluated your plan and all agree: brushing your teeth BEFORE putting your uniform on in the morning is the better sequence.”
- “You never loved me, never! All along, you only wanted me for my trained sea cucumber circus!”
- “Oh yeah? Well I say YOU’RE a polysyllabic meretricious haberdasher, how do you like that?”
- “Now hold on thar, Pardner. Yew cain’t ride into town like that an’ expect folks not to ask where yer hoss got its astrophysics degree.”
- “Call forth the knights and soldiery of the kingdom, the hour is come to ride forth to victory! Let sound the trumpets! Let fly the banners! Let roll the unicycles!”
- “Son, one day all this will be yours: the largest umbrella handle factory for nearly five miles around.”
- “So I said, ‘But where will we put the gazebo?’ and that’s when the entire fusion reactor design fell apart.”
- “You added nutmeg? But that’s brilliant! This could be the strongest titanium alloy ever!”
- “No, I will not redefine your cognitive space using dynamical systems theory. Now finish your vegetables and stop asking.”
- “You fool! You’ve built an interstellar spaceship and you forgot the fondue set!”
- “Look out! He’s got a doily!”
- “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Unless I were you only on Tuesdays, and had a trained duck standing by.”
- “No, I will not electroplate your wicker.”
- “Cream gravy? Stop fueling the rocket, we’ve got the wrong tanker!”
- “Now now, let’s not get upset, anyone can make a mistake. Just pull the duck l’orange out of the washing machine and put the macaroni in instead.”
- “No! Nooooo! Not the macrame!”
- “We must cross the river before the enemy cuts us off. Lieutenant! Order the troops to break out the rubber duckies!”
- “We must succeed, there’s too much at stake! If we fail, toothpick production will be slowed by almost 2% for an entire hour!”
- “I suppose it might be a good idea, if you’re sure an otter CAN repair the warp drive.”
- “Please! Pediatric podiatry presents predictable problems pursuing process presentations. Petty polysyllabic pleading poorly promotes practitioners.”
- “What? The accountants ate ALL the ball bearings?”
- “You can’t fool me, I know that’s you! It’s a clever disguise, but you overlooked the fact that Mount Everest does not wear tennis shoes!”
- “Scotty, if you don’t beam down a moist towelette in the next 15 minutes, we’re all dead!”
- “Thar she blows, Cap’n! The White Whale, off the larboard quarter! Best activate the warp engines now!”
- “Well, that seems reasonable, I’m sure we can all agree that washing the warthogs before letting them perform surgery is a good idea.”
- “I’m sorry, but we just can’t let you join the track team until your blimp has been converted to a dirigible.”
- “The planetary alignment will reach its peak in exactly two hours— then, the portal will open and the ancient accountants of the Elves will return!”
- “Hello, your call is very important to us. That’s why I, a human being, have answered it immediately without putting you on hold.”
- “This is an emergency! The volcano is about to erupt, and the bowling alley is poorly leveled!”
- “Okay, sure, but can it crochet a fusion reactor?”
- “No, that’s an otter. Try the other neutrino detector.”
- “Avast thar, ye scurvy dogs! That be a storm blowin in, batten down the hatches and make ready them thar pretty wind chimes!”
- “I say, Smythe, what a remarkable find! The burial chamber of a late Neolithic warrior-king, preserved with its game of Twister perfectly intact!”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, never teach a nematode to play the bagpipes.’ If only I had listened!”
- “And I heard him exclaim, as he rode out of sight,
- ‘Merry Christmas to all! And to all—
- If you’d take just 15 minutes to fill out this online customer service survey, it would be really helpful.'”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, you can’t knit potato chips with a hot glue gun.’ His wisdom has always guided me!”
- “You’ve got to listen to me, this volcano is about to blow! We must get the hibachi grills in position NOW!”
- “We’ve got to get past that enemy machine gun emplacement! Did anyone bring any Pogo sticks?”
- “Well now, there’s a mime what knows his legumes!”
- “Oh sure, you say that NOW, but where were you when we first decided the computer should only accept reactor control codes in the form of Elizabethan sonnets?”
- New Year’s Resolution Unlikely To Be Needed: “This year I resolve to eat fewer extension ladders after meals.”
- “We must succeed— if we don’t find that cat by midnight, then through a chain of events far too complicated to go into here, the entire world will lose the ability to pronounce the word ‘pavilion!'”
- “I know, I should have been honest with you from the start. It’s just so hard to find the right time to tell someone about my collection of Wankel Rotary Engines.”
- “Yes, I agree that sausage gravy is tasty, but I don’t think that means you can build a harpsichord out of it.”
- “What? I said ‘harp,’ not ‘carp’! How am I going to play Mozart on THAT?”
- “Puny Earthlings, our Kryzoid battle fleet has your planet completely at our mercy! You have one Earth day to surrender your entire planetary supply of vanilla wafers, or we attack!”
- “You’ve got to finish them NOW— these leftover Christmas cookies are about to blow!”
- “Oh for crying out loud, can someone stop letting that wildebeest back into the operating room?”
- “Well here’s your problem: this is supposed to be the display screen of your onboard gyrocompass, but it’s just a picture of a meerkat in a fez.”
- “Well here’s your problem. The specs call for the turbine blades of your Pratt & Whitney F100 jet engine to be made of a nickel-aluminum-titanium alloy, but these are made of vanilla pudding.”
- “Well here’s your problem: you forgot to take account of relativistic time dilation when tuning the saxophone.”
- “Well here’s your problem: you have one too many marshmallow peeps in the exhaust manifold.”
- “Well here’s your problem: quantum superpositioning is combining the attributes of your fondue pot with your accordion.”
- “O Mary darling, how I love to Fourier transform your Eigen vectors!”
- “You fool, I said PIRATES, not pyrites! How am I going to capture the treasure of the Spanish Main with these?”
- “Is there no knight in the kingdom with the courage to face this dragon, ere it returns to once against destroy our newly harvested Brussels sprouts?”
- “Incredible though it seems, it’s happened— as a result of atomic testing in the desert, an extraordinary mutation has occurred and the world now faces the attack of the 50-foot condiment bottles!”
- “I don’t wish to alarm you, but your hot dog is writing a sonnet.”
- “Well that’s one possibility, but I think it’s more likely the warthogs will choose the accordion.”
- “You fool, you’ve pickled the wrong albatross!”
- “O Mary darling, remember when we were young, and in spring would joyfully run through fields of flowers in our aardvark costumes?”
- “Oh puh-leeeze! You can’t fool me like that, I know a meerkat in a mad scientist costume when I see one!”
- “Watson, you fail to reason from what you see. Observe— this ceramic octopus is chipped in a way that only being struck against the edge of a poorly maintained electron microscope can explain!”
- “We’ve consulted every specialist in the hospital on your husband’s case, Mrs Smith, and they all agree: he appears to be a carrot.”
- “Bad news, General— the enemy battalions have starched their lace doilies!”
- “My parents never supported my dreams. No matter how many times I asked, they wouldn’t let me build my all-pasta nuclear submarine.”
- “Aye, an’ ever since that fateful night, whene’er the full Moon shines and the mist rises from the moor, the specter appears and roams the land, ever searchin’ fer its lost unicycle.”
- “I say, Smythe, what a splendid specimen of Pseudoceros dimidiatus just borrowed your electric razor.”
- “You may have fooled the police, Monsieur, but you cannot fool Poirot! Yes, I know that it was you who laid in wait for Lord Melbury, disguised as a barrel of rendered bacon fat!”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, never take advice from a jar of pickled okra.’ If only I had listened!”
- “Dagnabbit, them gophers got in among the banjo crop agin, afore any of ’em was ready to harvest.”
- “Why should I believe you? The last time I listened to you, a giant squid ate all my creme brulee.”
- “I don’t mean to alarm you, but your gazebo is covered in bacon.”
- “What? They embroidered ALL the reactor control rods?”
- “My name is Lancelot, Sir Lancelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table, and I will be your waiter this evening. Can I get you any drinks while you look at the menu?”
- “Look out! There’s a haberdasher in the henhouse!”
- “Don’t be a fool, you wouldn’t stand a chance against that enemy machine gun emplacement by yourself! At least wait until the mimes bring the beignets!”
- “O Mary darling, how delightfully graceful you are when you juggle your trained armadillos!”
- “I love you but it can never work out between us. How can a designer of custom toothpicks ever settle down with an umbrella engraver?”
- “It was only when the warp drive failed to engage that we realized, with horror, that we had forgotten the anchovies.”
- “What? No, the Wabco N-type multi-function coupler did not call you a doofus.”
- “Gladly would I accompany you, Sir Knight, but I have a quest of my own, on which I dare not tarry: I must prepare the queso dip of power, ere the fajitas of doom are full wrought.”
- “Puny Earthlings, tremble before the might of Lord Vorgax the Destroyer, ruler of the Kryzoid Empire! You face certain destruction unless you immediately hand over all your condiments!”
- “No, this is not the best all-gerbil performance of King Lear I’ve ever seen; I wouldn’t even put it in the top ten.”
- “Yes, anyone can make a mistake, but reading ‘tattoo the weasel’ when the procedure said ‘use a 3 ohm resistor’ is a pretty big error.”
- “Aye, the dastardly pirate Captain McScaryName is behind this raid. He’s left his calling card in yon burning wreck— not a single mahjong set left aboard!”
- “But if we use the lobsters, then what about the mimes?”
- “Your mission, 007, is to locate this missing man before enemy agents find him. He is Ivan Issonovitch, the world’s greatest and most important expert in the design of ornamental trivets.”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: “My boy, Capybaras belong to the suborder Hystricomorpha.’ His wisdom will always stay with me!”
- “Look at these here tracks, Sheriff. Them rustlers def’nitley went this way. We could git together a posse and go right after ’em now, ‘cept we’re all out of vermouth.”
- “No, I will not inhale your grand piano. Stop asking.”
- “Raise the mainsail! Hoist the Jolly Roger! Run out the cannon! The Scrabble tournament starts tomorrow and vict’ry will be ours!”
- “We’re workin’ as fast as we can, Cap’n, but we cannae repair the warp drive until we figure out which smoke detector is beeping.”
- “General! I’ve discovered the enemy’s weakness! Without exception, all of their lederhosen are badly tailored!”
- “I say, Smythe, what an amazing archaeological discovery! On this very spot, a Neolithic amphitheater, with espresso bar intact!”
- “And then the platypuses came. After that, there was only silence.”
- “Be careful around that nose— it could blow at any moment!”
- “O Mary darling, remember the day we met, when you said my suit of broccoli looked like it was made of asparagus? How we laughed!”
- “There’s no time, the volcano’s about to blow! We need those 10,000 bagpipe players here NOW!”
- “Arr, Mateys, thar be stormy weather a-brewin’. Batten down the hatches, an’ make sure yer mahjong tiles are waterproofed!”
- “Your quest will take you to the Eternal Forest, which lies beyond the Improbably Prolonged Plains, across the Moderately Lengthy Marshes, beside the Actually Pretty Brief Valley.”
- “Haste now, we must away e’er dawn betrays our movement to the soldiery of the Dark Lord! Let every knight mount thy tricycle, and keep thy rubber duckies close at hand!”
- “An aardvark? But I was expecting a duck.”
- “Surely this is the greatest of all archaeological mysteries. How did neolithic people shape massive stones so accurately? How did they move them into position? And why all the penguins?”
- “Well here’s your problem: you don’t have enough chicken soup in your harpsichord.”
- “We have to face the facts. This is the largest great white shark ever known, and its cupcake bakery is out-competing ours.”
- “Yes, I know it’s St Patrick’s Day, and yes, I’ve heard of Irish Coffee. I still don’t think synthesizing Irish Antimatter is a good use of the Large Hadron Collider.”
- “So, my old nemesis, we meet again— but this time, my Digital Vernier Caliper is properly calibrated!”
- “O Mary darling, how gracefully you drive your P&H LeTourneau L-2350 Loader to and from ballet practice every day!”
- “Quick! Perforate the wicker now!”
- “This is an emergency! Unless we get the warp drive online in the next ten minutes, we’ll never deliver the Wiffle Balls on time!”
- “Oh, I’m sorry, did I sharpen your toothpick?”
- “Now, don’t get upset, naturally I’ll interpolate the meerkat statistics before finalizing the unicycle design.”
- “O Mary darling, your hair is so lovely, but especially strand number 75,476.”
- “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not so bad. You’re not the first person to mistakenly bring your emu to a board meeting.”
- “You know I love your writing, Will, but you might consider revising the line where it says ‘Cry havoc and let slip the tree sloths of war!'”
- “Well, that just goes to show you should never try to Fourier transform an Eigen vector while wearing a duck costume.”
- “All hope seemed lost, the spacecraft spiraling down into the black hole, when at the last second we remembered the ukulele.”
- “Look out! That protractor might be loaded!”
- Dialog Likely To Be Used: “We’ve taken considerable damage, Captain, but the engines are still working.” #AprilFools
- “Quick, grab it! If that pizza hits the wall, it’s going to blow!”
- “Captain Awesome, the city of Urbanopolis needs your help once again! Your arch-enemy, Nemesis Man, is threatening to reduce the city’s supply of instant ramen by 15%!”
- “Sir, if you intend to gesture extravagantly during your expositional monologue, I must ask you to put down the bags of confetti first.”
- “Guns, tanks, bombs, they’re like toys against them! There’s only one thing that will stop the Martian invaders— mimes on roller skates!”
- “There’s no time to explain— you’ve got to teach this duck to tap dance in the next twenty minutes or we’re all dead!”
- “Bad news, General. The enemy have seized our entire supply of tea cozies.”
- “You may have fooled the police, Monsieur, but you cannot fool the great Hercule Poirot! I knew at once your story was impossible, that you mistook an EMD 1010 T4 Locomotive Engine for a carrot!”
- “To defuse the bomb, you must first cut the blue wire. Then, and only then, pour the Hollandaise sauce over the detonator switch— but don’t let it over-thicken!”
- “Well, in hindsight I agree that it was a bad idea to swim through the shark-infested channel wearing a suit of anchovies.”
- “You know I love your writing, Will, but I have to say I think this new play, ‘A Midsummer Night’s Excessive Humidity’ really needs some work.”
- “O Mary darling, you are without a doubt more beautiful than anyone I’ve ever seen in this room in the last twenty minutes!”
- “There’s no time to explain, just take my word for it— if you drop that vase, every otter in the world will turn purple!”
- “The mission was on track, we thought everything was going well, and then— disaster! Just thirty-six hours before Mars Orbital Insertion, the hollandaise sauce broke.”
- “What? They ate ALL the hex nuts?”
- “Sir, please keep your ocelot inside the Faraday cage until after the recital is over.”
- “O Mary darling, remember the day we met, when you lost control of your steamroller and plowed right through your parents’ high-stakes poker tournament? Ah, how we laughed!”
- “My child, drink deep the heady brew that is life in all its beauty, and forget not to savor the spice of each new experience, before you wash the dishes of memory and take out the trash before your mother gets home.”
- “Well, Mrs Smith, we’ve consulted every specialist in the hospital on your husband’s case and they all agree: that is definitely too much belly button lint.”
- “Oh, pardon me, did I confuse your wildebeest?”
- “What, you tie-dyed ALL of the ocelots?”
- “Well, I would, but I’m not sure a grand piano will fit inside my nostrils.”
- “It’s not your fault. No one could have predicted they’d be riding ducks.”
- “My son, this sword was passed down to me by my father, who received it from his father, and his father before him, who bought it at the Dollar Store.”
- “Bad news, General— the unicycle brigade won’t receive their propeller beanies until after the invasion is due to begin.”
- “I say let’s give it a try. After all, no one has proved you CAN’T fuel a Mars orbiter with corn nuts.”
- “Observe, Watson— a vast ship hovers overhead, while alien creatures fight laser battles with armored space marines. From this it is elementary to deduce we have wandered into the wrong genre!”
- “Wait, a mint julep? Then what did we just fill the rocket’s fuel tanks with?”
- “But if we do that, how will we stop the enemy legions from seizing our sporks?”
- “The name’s Lancelot, Sir Lancelot of Camelot, and I aim to clean up this one-horse town.”
- “O Mary darling, how hard it is to part from you! But perhaps it will be easier if we can dissolve this superglue.”
- “As the County Medical Examiner, please tell the jury what action you took when, in the middle of the autopsy, your pogo stick lost its bounce.”
- “Oh no, I’m sorry, you misunderstood. When I said ‘Use the curry powder’ I meant you should put it on the food.”
- “You can’t be serious. A manufacturing plant of this size and technological sophistication, and you failed to equip it with a single emergency kitten?”
- “Uh-oh. The podiatrists are playing zithers.”
- “Not now, I’m galvanizing my otter costume.”
- “At times like these, it’s helpful to remember the old saying, ‘Remember old sayings at times like these.'”
- “You never loved me, never! You only married me to access my tree sloth training center!”
- “So, my old nemesis, we meet again! But this time, *I* have the fluorescent cocktail shaker!”
- “O Mary darling, being with you is as wonderful as curing a tooth abscess!”
- “Okay, yes, the typo was my mistake. Still, I would think the platoon should have realized when the orders said ‘be a safe’ it meant ‘be safe.’ Now tell them to take those combination locks off their uniforms.”
- “Well, I’m a simple soul, I enjoy simple pleasures. Good home cooking, sitting out on the porch on a pleasant evening, knitting a solar telescope cozy… just the simple things.”
- “You know I love your writing, Will, but this new sequel to Hamlet where his father’s ghost starts going around in a hockey mask with a machete seems a little off.”
- “Yes, I know what the recipe says, but I still don’t believe that will work unless you put the grand piano in the blender first.”
- “And then the cable snapped, and we could only watch helplessly as the mighty dirigible drifted away into the sky, taking with it the world’s entire supply of marshmallow peeps.”
- “We have demands! We will detonate the bomb unless the government signs over to us the title deed to every talcum powder factory in the tri-county area!”
- “I, Captain Awesome, have defeated many supervillains. But I can say that you, Oatmeal-Man, are the most boring one yet.”
- “Yes, it is unusual behavior in a lamprey, but you must remember it’s probably the first time one has become a haberdasher, so you have to expect an adjustment period.”
- “Yes, I see how you might make a mistake. To be clear: the one on the LEFT is the fusion reactor control console, the one on the RIGHT is a bottle of Bloody Mary cocktail mix.”
- “Every day it’s the same thing— reincarnate the tree frogs, reincarnate the tree frogs. Well I’m sick of it!”
- “Well here’s your problem: this camshaft isn’t fluffy enough.”
- “As this graph shows, we used infrared reflectance spectroscopy to analyze the paint chips at the crime scene, which prove conclusively that the defendant is icky.”
- “Okay, don’t panic… but I think there’s a wildebeest in the life support control room.”
- “O Mary darling, how gracefully your platelets adhere to your capillary endothelium during the first stages of hemostasis!”
- “Objection! Your honor, please instruct opposing counsel to stop playing with my rubber ducky!”
- “Red alert, you say? But this is a duck.”
- “Captain, sensors detect a sort of fuzzy pink thingy on a collision course.”
- “Then you add the peanuts. But only after you’ve finished weaving the otter’s toupee.”
- “The name’s Bullet. Steele T. Bullet. I’m a haberdasher.”
- “We’re in trouble— we thought the enemy was just building a munitions depot, but the latest aerial photos show it’s a mime school.”
- “Well yes, you have a point, but since you are a knitting needle that’s really not unexpected.”
- “Tweed? You fool, you were supposed to upholster the warp drive in a Scotch tartan!”
- “True, he cannot account for his whereabouts the night of the murder— but we can still eliminate him as a suspect, since his trained wildebeest herd is too small.”
- “I’m sorry, I’d like to help but your tennis balls are filled with molasses.”
- “You almost got away with it, but like every murderer you made that one critical mistake: you forgot that chickens do not have opposable thumbs!”
- “High energy neutrinos, you say? But what about the wicker?”
- “I say, Smythe, what a remarkable zoological find— a new species of butterfly mimic capable of perfectly faking an astrophysics degree!”
- “What a debacle! The mimes just wouldn’t shut up!”
- “All right, I confess! I killed him for the insurance money! But I had to, you understand? I had to! I was into my milliner for the big bucks and he told me, no more blocking and steaming until I paid up!”
- “Your Majesty, the castle is besieged! The Viking hordes surround us completely! How will we host our weekly game of Parcheesi now?”
- “Oh no, not another warthog ballet!”
- “I cannae change the laws o’ physics, Cap’n! There’s just nae way to engage the warp drive when there’s nae salt on the margarita glasses!”
- “We’ll have to call off the invasion— these hot dogs are underseasoned!”
- “Waffle iron? But this is a chess tournament.”
- “It’s a disaster, Admiral. The flying battleship failed, just like the land submarine and the underground airplane. All we’ve got left are the aqua tanks.”
- “Why, you gol-durned, low-down, yella-bellied forensic neuropsychologist!”
- “Look, I understand typos happen, but a reasonable person would have double-checked when the landing instructions said ‘Then knit a wildebeest cozy.'”
- “Prior to orbital insertion, we have a course correction coming up at 0815 mission elapsed time. Be sure you’re ready for it, the mules can get stubborn when you try to turn them.”
- “We’ll take refuge in this tower. It’s tall enough to thwart even the Vikings on stilts.”
- “I don’t know how to say this, but there’s a warthog on the sofa. No, that’s not it. The engines are made of cheese. No. The mimes have resigned. No, still wrong. Look, I told you I didn’t know how to say it.”
- “Oh no, the aardvark is wearing plaid!”
- “No, I’m sorry, you can’t wear your giant squid costume into combat.”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘Hey you! Don’t put your lips on that, you don’t know where it’s been!’ How I treasure his wisdom.”
- “Oh no, the volcano is about to blow, and we forgot the marshmallows!”
- “Wait a minute! If what you say is true, there might still be time to harmonize the okra!”
- Joke Unlikely to Get A Laugh: “An astronaut, an engineer, and a lawyer are alone in a lifeboat together. After a while, they are rescued.”
- “Pardon me, is your ocelot a podiatrist?”
- “I don’t wanna work here any more, Mr Smith, the break room is just never stocked with enough solar telescopes.”
- “Well sure, hindsight is 20-20, but where were you when we first decided to make the tower’s foundation out of tapioca pudding?”
- “Excuse me, Monsieur Poirot, this is the first voyage of humanity’s first faster-than-light spacecraft, which I believe means you have wandered into the wrong genre.”
- “Now hold it right there! Put down that pan flute before you accidentally call a wildebeest!”
- “My name is Lancelot, Sir Lancelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table, and here is the pizza you ordered.”
- “Well, Detective, when the coroner’s report said the cause of death was ‘octopus attack’ I just assumed the chess set had nothing to do with it.”
- “Oh no, you forgot the warthog extender?”
- “Okay, but only if the chickens say ‘Abracadabra’ first.”
- “And if we don’t complete the ritual, the vampire will rise once more, to feast upon the toenail clippings of the living!”
- “So, you thought the piranha were the danger, but now you know the real reason it’s a bad idea to build canoes out of beef.”
- Sport Unlikely To Be In The Olympics: 150K Rhinoceros Carry
- “I’m sorry I can’t give you that raise. The truth is the Accounting Department has questioned whether they need a unicycle repairman on staff at all.”
- “I’m not sure, but I think we made a wrong turn back there when we passed the old man in the cabin with the radio telescope.”
- “You might have got away with it, but like every murderer you made one crucial mistake— you forgot that a concert grand piano is always heavier than a piccolo!”
- “To attain the rank of Supreme Mystical Sage, you must first consume the Asparagus of Power, doused in the Hollandaise Sauce of Honor.”
- “Hey, you! Put down that accordion before the astrophysicists see you with it!”
- “Bad news— your barber grows artichokes.”
- “I’m reluctant to activate the cyclotron when we don’t know where the chickens are.”
- “I wish I could help you, but I just don’t have a plaid aardvark cozy.”
- “What? Oh, yes, I suppose it’s nice to win the Olympic gold medal with a new world record. But now that I’ve done that I’m looking forward to pursuing my true passion: becoming a midlevel insurance actuary.”
- “We’re less than two hours from Mas Orbital Insertion, and you only tell me NOW you forgot to bring any penguins?”
- “I’ll have a vodka martini. Shaken, not stirred. In a ceramic shaker, not metal. Then strained, not decanted. Finally poured over the head of a live llama, not an alpaca.”
- “Run for your lives! The tortoises have banjos!”
- “No, I meant the unicycle to the LEFT of the bagpipe repository.”
- Narration Unlikely To Be Used: But Hansel and Gretel passed by the Gingerbread House, enticed by the Liver & Onions House just a little way further on.
- “What? ALL of the mangoes have been bronzed?”
- “But not if I tie-dye the warp drive first!”
- “We can still succeed if we can knit enough flamingos!”
- “Oh, pardon me, did I encapsulate your rhododendron?”
- “O Mary darling, my love for you is like a beautiful blue songbird, perched on a pile of corrugated cardboard, playing a polka on its theremin!”
- “It was a noble dream, but always doomed. You just can’t train a meerkat to replace a giant squid.”
- “Deploy the attack shrimp!”
- “You’re losing business because your menu is unfocused. Look at your listed entrees: shrimp, scallops, calamari, and ball bearings packed in crankcase grease.”
- “Waiter, there’s a problem. I ordered the Filet Mignon, medium rare, but this is a scanning electron microscope. And it’s well done.”
- “No, I will not delaminate your palimpsest unless you transilluminate my pentimento first!”
- “Greetings, Earthlings! I come in peace, seeking only to share my planet’s knowledge of superior okra recipes!”
- “I’m telling you, the volcano is about to blow! You’ve got to call the mimes NOW!”
