Hi there! It’s time for another archive of my daily Twitter post, Dialog Unlikely To Be Used. Enjoy!
- “Now then, let’s all calm down. Everyone makes mistakes and we can always find another copper-plated toothpick sharpener.”
- “Cap’n, I cannae change the laws of physics! The warp drive will nae engage with only a watered-down gin & tonic!”
- “Well, Detective, this appeared to be the work of a serial killer. But the forensic team has determined that the alleged victim is actually a wilted cabbage.”
- “I have cast the runes and the prophecy is clear! On the eve of the next full Moon, the creatures of the night will arise to feast upon the Kingdom’s entire crop of Brussels Sprouts!”
- “Be warned— the vampires’ greatest strength is that no one believes in them, allowing them to stage their production of ‘The Sound of Music’ unnoticed!”
- “My name is Lancelot. Sir Lancelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table, and I am here to audition for the mime troupe.”
- “Well here’s your problem: your EMD SD70MAC diesel locomotive doesn’t have enough marshmallows.”
- “Quick! Activate the aardvark!”
- “I love you but it can never work out between us. We just come from different worlds. In mine, no one gets upset when I wear my giant ear of corn costume to a wedding.”
- “Bad news, General: the enemy’s pogo sticks can bounce 1.5% higher than ours.”
- “Avast thar! Hoist the mainsails! Batten down the hatches! Starch the lace doilies!”
- “Guns, tanks, bombs, they’re like toys against them! There’s only one thing that will stop the Martian invaders: anchovy paste.”
- “Oh no, the ducks! The ducks are knitting!”
- “We must reduce our forward momentum before the collision— quick! Everyone throw away your marshmallows!”
- “I warned you not to invite the howler monkeys to the figure skating competition.”
- “You know I love your writing, Will, but you might want to revise this part where Lady Macbeth tells her husband to go out and buy a vat of rice pudding.”
- “Well, Mr Steinbeck, the public is clamoring for a sequel but I have to say your new manuscript ‘The Brussels Sprouts of Mild Irritation’ doesn’t really measure up.”
- “Mr Holmes— they were the footprints of an enormous duck!”
- “No, it won’t work unless you have the lobster claws bronzed first.”
- “No, I will not anodize your tree frog. Stop asking.”
- “It’s only a guess, Detective, but these carpet fibers suggest the killer may have forgotten how to do the Macarena.”
- “Now, let’s not be hasty. There could be a lot of reasons the plumber’s accountant mentioned your antique sock collection.”
- “I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it’s better that you know the truth. I think your giant squid has been painting your mahjong tiles.”
- “Look, it’s perfectly simple. You just have to deactivate the microelectronic contrapositive rectifier before repolarizing the invariant toroidal inductor.”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, never trust a platyhelminthes to do an aschelminthes’ job.’ If only I had listened!”
- “Rocketship X-7 to Mission Control. We’ve got a problem here, we attempted orbital insertion but the fuel tanks are filled with salmon mousse.”
- “Well here’s your problem. The building foundation should have been reinforced high-stress concrete, but you used tapioca pudding.”
- “O Mary darling, I love you even more than I admire your antique aglet collection!”
- “Look, hindsight is 20-20. During the design phase, we thought it was completely reasonable that an interstellar spacecraft would not need a cowcatcher on the front.”
- “Oh no you don’t— you put that radio telescope right back where you found it, young man!”
- “Look, I’m a barber, not a psychic. If you don’t tell me the exact measurement to cut off each individual hair, how will I know what you want?”
- “High-energy neutrinos? But what about the chickens?”
- Haiku Unlikely To Be Recited:
“Waiter, this is wrong.
My macaroni is made
Out of ball bearings.” - “Oh, excuse me, did I magnetize your otter?”
- “Oh no, the beignets are too fluffy to fit into the battery case!”
- “You can’t be serious! Not in the middle of a clown convention!”
- “O Mary darling, remember the day we first met? I accidentally packed an anvil in my violin case, but you lent me your spare harmonica, and all was well!”
- “You fool! That’s the poodle wrangler!”
- “Oh really? And I suppose you think you could do a better job tie-dying the solar telescope?”
- “Observe, Watson— the butter knife is pewter, from which it is elementary to deduce that it was Lord Melbury driving the clown car!”
- “Are you serious? You want me to pilot this nuclear submarine without a hamster?”
- “In order to defuse the bomb, you must cut the red wire, then connect the blue wire to the green wire. All while wearing a kilt and doing the hokey-pokey.”
- “We knew nothing good would come of it when the emu got behind the controls of the steamroller.”
- “Well, Mrs Smith, we’ve consulted every specialist in the hospital and they’re all agreed: your husband’s condition is icky.”
- “You’ve got to believe me! This volcano is going to blow at any minute! You’ve got to get the barbecue grills ready NOW!”
- “I don’t know how to tell you this, but your canapes are tie-dyed. No, that’s not it. Your frogs are still tadpoles. No, still wrong. Your diesel locomotive is… darn. I said I didn’t know how to tell you.”
- “What? ALL of the penguins lost their yo-yos?”
- “O Great Pharaoh, there appears to be a problem. The wandering sage who first suggested the construction has returned and is very upset; apparently this is not what he meant when he proposed we join his pyramid scheme.”
- “You must save us, Captain Awesome! If Nemesis-man’s latest scheme succeeds, the entire city will be buried in an avalanche of vanilla wafers!”
- “Oh really? And I suppose YOU’VE never accidentally picked the wrong Pseudobiceros bedfordi for your Lacrosse team!”
- “Why Mr Darcy, I am flattered by your proposal, but I’m afraid I could never leave my family’s ocelot farm.”
- “O Mary darling, your left big toe is the epitome of big toes for all time!”
- “I say, Smythe, what an incredible find! The perfectly preserved mummy of a pre-Dynastic Pharaoh, still wearing his Groucho glasses!”
- “Captain, sensor scans of the planet’s surface reveal clear evidence of marshmallow peeps.”
- “We’ve got to hurry— we only have sixty minutes until we’ll have to set a new suspenseful deadline!”
- “But most of all, I am thankful that tapioca pudding is not sentient.”
- “We can’t just rush in, we need a plan. You go left and try to grab the boxing gloves before the ladder tips over. I’ll go right and put the chicken parm in the oven before the mimes notice.”
- “For one moment, we thought we had won… but then, the ducks came. Oh, the ducks…”
- “My name is Lancelot. Sir Lancelot of Camelot, licensed marriage counselor.”
- “Now now, let’s all calm down. Pointing fingers at each other won’t help, we need to focus on getting the emu OUT of the accordion.”
- “O Mary darling, how I remember the day we first met, when I was called in to repair your scanning electron microscope.”
- “Well here’s your problem, you need to stop housing your baby otters inside the radio telescope.”
- “Based on the evidence at the crime scene, it appears the victim’s toupee leaped from his head and attempted to throw itself into the sun.”
- “Detective, this is clearly the most massive toothpick theft ever reported.”
- “The patient’s got a tension pneumothorax. Prep for a cut down, hang two units of O-neg on the rapid infuser, and everyone put on your chipmunk costumes STAT.”
- “Of course I’m angry! You showed up to a top-secret National defense strategy briefing without your accordion!”
- “O John my love, no one can fail at crafting a compliment so spectacularly as you!”
- “As soon as we come out of warp, assume standard orbit around the fourth planet. Then, deploy the lemon custard immediately.”
- “We’ve got to face facts. If we don’t turn this around, we’re looking at a worldwide shortage of belly button lint!”
- “I am asking the questions here! And if you will not answer, we have ways of making you talk! Now— for ten points, what famous musician wrote ‘The Christmas Song’?”
- “It’s a great honor to have such an eminent physicist address our society, Professor! Now, strap into the flying harness and we’ll prepare the bagpipes.”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, you cannot make a particle accelerator out of wicker.’ If only I had listened!”
- “We’ve got to get this situation under control before that harpsichord gets any bigger!”
- “My son, upon you now falls the duty to complete this quest. Seek, and you shall find the how-to manual stuffed in one of the kitchen drawers.”
- “Objection, your Honor. Assuming facts not in evidence. Opposing counsel has offered no proof that the tuxedo in question was made of cheese.”
- “Well done, Team. Together we’ve completed an undercover operation that will change the course of the war! We have successfully removed every maraschino cherry from the enemy’s fruit cups!”
- “I admit I am a bit disappointed. I had thought that at Earth’s first contact with an alien civilization, they’d have something more to say than asking for our snickerdoodle recipe.”
- “Well, Holmes, this is certainly a mystery. Who put the rice pudding in the accordion, and did they know it would lead to Lord Melbury winning the mahjong tournament?”
- “I honestly don’t know what to say about that. Though I’m pretty sure ‘plurdlyglub murmursferd’ isn’t it.”
- Christmas Carol Unlikely To Be Sung:
“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire,
Jack Frost nipping at your nose,
Getting a restraining order against Jack Frost,
Because of the nose incident.” - “What! They stapled ALL the wheat to the bagpiper’s uniforms?”
- “Okay, let’s try that again, and this time— and I want to make this absolutely clear— close the hatches BEFORE the submarine dives.”
- “Your Honor, I have only one question for this witness: What is your homemade mayonnaise recipe?”
- “O Mary darling, how well I remember the day we met, you in your steamroller and me placing the marshmallows!”
- “In order to defuse the bomb, you must first distract it by telling it its shoelaces are untied.”
- “It’s a good plan overall, General, but we’re concerned that the success of the invasion will depend on teaching chickens to tango.”
- “Okay listen up, Buddy. You come in here, throwing your weight around, acting so tough— you think you’re tough? Wait until you meet the guy we call… Mr Snuggly Wumblemuffin.”
- “Detective, look! The killer left his wallet behind! And it includes his ocelot trainer’s license!”
- “Calling all cars. Be on the lookout for an armed suspect reported in the area of Fifth and Main, described as wearing a green shirt, riding a pogo stick, and carrying a duck.”
- “I say, Smythe, what a remarkable find! This is none other than the Pharaoh Imhotep’s very own model train set!”
- “Launch of the first manned Mars mission is in T minus eighty minutes. Right now the astronauts are putting the finishing touches on their macaroni art.”
- “You’ve got to believe me, this skyscraper is unsafe— there are no chafing dishes in the machine shop!”
- “I’m not sure. Remind me again which aardvark carved the chess pieces?”
- Haiku Unlikely To Be Recited:
“Ah, the gentle breeze
from anvils falling into
the giant squid tank.” - “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, always strive to be peripatetic, ovoid, and terse.’ I try to live by his wisdom!”
- “Well, thank you for contacting me but I’m afraid that’s not my lost dog. It appears to be a scanning electron microscope.”
- “Dr Smith to the ICU stat! This patient’s uvula is going to detonate any second!”
- “I say, Smythe, what an extraordinary find! The canine tooth of a Smilodon fatalis embedded in the skull of an Ursus spelaeus, preserved in the very act of predation and with traces of hollandaise sauce still clinging to the bones!”
- “Unfortunately, this morning NASA had to scrub the launch of the first manned Mars mission when it was determined the Mars lander had not been supplied with enough fondue sets.”
- “Well. I suppose you could make that argument, but I think you’re overlooking the tensile strength of wicker.”
- “You think this will solve the problem, but all you’ve done is electroplate your clown costume.”
- “You know I love your writing, Will, but you might consider revising this part where Juliet says, ‘O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore dost thou smell like cheese?'”
- “I’m telling you it’s unsafe! If you follow these plans, the skyscraper will collapse the first time a resident tries to drive their fifty-ton Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer up the stairs!”
- “No, you cannot electroplate your Brussels sprouts. Stop asking.”
- “Sheriff! Sheriff! Them outlaws have rode into town agin! They’re shootin up the Saloon an’ sayin they’ll run down everyone in town if we don’t hand over all our lace doilies by sundown!”
- “O Mary darling, remember the day we met? It was at the Duke’s annual masked ball, and I saw you across the room applying ninhydrin to lift the fingerprints of the other guests.”
- “Well sure, hindsight is 20-20. But where were you when we were deciding to fill the reactor coolant system with chocolate fondue?”
- “It’s a good plan, General, but where will we find enough lederhosen to equip the entire paratroop division?”
- “Quick! Delaminate the wicker!”
- “Okay. You repaint the scaffolding while I heat the tapioca pudding.”
- “No, you have to put the chicken to the LEFT of the pogo stick!”
- “Sorry, my mistake, I thought you were defenestrating the okra.”
- “Look at what you’ve done! Now EVERYONE is going to want a giant squid in their garden shed!”
- “And if elected, I promise that no one will ever again have to play chess with a duck just to get their tuxedo pressed!”
- “This is intolerable, I want answers! Who tie-dyed the ukulele, and why did the accounting department call it a computational expense?”
- “Don’t worry, I can fix it. Hand me the aardvark duplicator.”
- “Earthlings! I am Vorgax the Destroyer, Ruler of the Kryzoid EmpireI Our battle fleet surrounds your puny planet, and I demand that you pick a card, any card, then replace it in the deck without showing it to me.”
- “General, I agree it’s an excellent plan and with two divisions of troops it will work without a hitch. But don’t you think it’s a bit of overkill when we’re just trying to paint the living room?”
- “Captain, sensors show a Kryzoid battleship is entering orbit around the fourth planet of star system Orion-31. They haven’t detected us yet. Should we prepare to moon them?”
- “The name’s Bullet. Steel Bullet. I’m a haberdasher.”
- Warning Label Unlikely To Be Needed: “CAUTION: This product not guaranteed to exist in all possible parallel universes.”
- “Okay, once more, but this is the last time I’m going to go over this: do NOT try to make your tuxedo out of liverwurst.”
- “Howdy, Pardner. Yew must be that millipede wrangler I’ve heard tell about.”
- “Quick! Launch the battleshrimp!”
- “I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but your banjo is made of wicker.”
- “It’s a good plan, General, but do we have time to teach the entire armored division how to yodel?”
- “O Mary darling, no words can describe your… um… er… well yeah, like I said.”
- “Oh no! Get the mimes inside before the accordion players see them!”
- “It was all going well, until the accountant defenestrated the player piano.”
- “I love you but it can never work out between us. Not as long as your wrought-iron knick-knack shelf remains galvanized.”
- “Well that’s disappointing. Are you sure you electroplated the ostrich correctly?”
- “Our guide on the expedition is the world’s leading expert on mountain-climbing. Admittedly, that’s not the best choice for our hydrological survey of marine currents, but he’s all we could get.”
- “Listen carefully because your life may depend on it: put the gopher in the swimming pool BEFORE you start playing the bagpipes.”
- “I’m not sure I understand what you’re telling me. Could you say it again, this time without the harmonica?”
- “So I seen this low-down cattle rustler running ‘cross the town square just as brazen as ya please, so nat’rally I hollered out, ‘Hold it right thar, outlaw, I’m challengin yew to a hairstylin’ contest!'”
- “O Mary darling, I can no more resist your charms than a layer of kaolinite-rich clay soil can resist the scoop of a 336-GC heavy duty hydraulic excavator!”
- “Be warned! Your quest will lead you into great peril, and only the worthy shall prevail. Therefore go forth with great care, and do not neglect to take an umbrella.”
- “Fear not! For though the ducks are many, soon the gophers will arrive!”
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research, I have finally learned what ‘eureka’ means!”
- “He p us, Captain Awesome! Your archenemy Nemesis Man has sto en an entire etter of the a phabet!”
- “Okay, let’s all calm down. No one is going to do anything rash. Just give the salad tongs back to the mime and we can all walk out of here okay.”
- “Well, I admit I didn’t think it through. When you said the talisman would make my dream come true, I didn’t expect it to be the one where I was a fireman in the Marshmallow Kingdom and my best friend was a bean.”
- “Oh no, the countdown has already started! Quick— transliterate the pre-Mycenaean Linear A inscription before the marshmallows explode!”
- “I love you but it can never work out between us. Not while you keep tap dancing on my canned tuna.”
- “For cryin’ out loud, stop encapsulating the mahjong tiles!”
- “And ever since that fateful night, the Lady’s ghost has haunted the manor house, forever searching for her lost toenail clippers!”
- “And then, O Knight, you will come face to face with the goal of your quest. Yes, you shall yourself speak with the Duck of Destiny.”
- “Okay, partly my fault, I just assumed when you mentioned playing the guitar that you meant using it as a musical instrument.”
- “They laughed at me, called me mad— mad! But the last laugh will be mine, when my army of atomic-powered robots wins ALL the Parcheesi games!”
- “I’ve decided to open a restaurant. I know it’ll be a big hit— right now, there’s nowhere in town you can get a heaping plate of weasel and onions.”
- “I’m not sure I understand you. You’re telling me you hired the chicken wrangler BEFORE building the particle accelerator?”
- “Heed this warning, O King, for upon it depends the survival of your kingdom! The defense of the castle from the dragon’s attack will in no way involve tap-dancing ducks!”
- “Oh no— the potatoes are larger!”
- “But while our attention was so closely focused, no one thought to wonder what the OTHER asparagus was doing.”
- “Okay, for the last time, THIS is the control panel that controls the ship’s life support systems, and THAT is a can of expired sardines. Try not to get them mixed up again.”
- “But no, Watson, you have failed to observe the ‘Hello Kitty’ logo stitched into Lord Melbury’s elephant costume.”
- “We’ve discussed your husband’s case with every specialist in the hospital, and they all agree: he’s made of plywood.”
- “Look, I know typos happen, but labeling the button ‘Launch Spacecraft’ when it’s really the Emergency Sewage Reversal system is a pretty big error.”
- “Oh no— it’s not a duck, it’s a gerbil!”
- Dialog Likely To Be Used #DUTBU: “Why Mr Holmes, you have solved the case!”
- “I am Haldor son of Halvar, Mighty Warrior, Slayer of the Dragon Gormaug, Conqueror of the Forbidden Lands, and Winner of the Tri-county Bingo Tournament!”
- “Why, you dilatory synergist! Stop delaminating that palimpsest and get back to encapsulating the maquette right this minute!”
- “Nothing! Our most advanced weapons are like toys against them! There’s only one thing that will stop the Martian invaders— deploy the marshmallow peeps!”
- “Okay, that was my fault. When you said we’d need a hundred parapsychologists for the operation, I just assumed you meant psychic researchers. But maybe we can TRAIN them to jump out of the airplanes?”
- “But wait— before activating the cyclotron, did you factor in the difference between a river otter and a sea otter?”
- “What? The kilts aren’t bronzed?”
- “It’s a sad day for us all today, now that we know the fiddler crab is left-handed.”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, if you cannot be morose, at least try to be intractable.’ His wisdom will always guide me.”
- “I say Smythe, what a remarkable specimen of Lontra canadensis observed in the very act of riding its unicycle!”
- “This is a momentous occasion! After years of hard work by thousands of people, we few are about to become the first human beings to set foot on the surface of Mars. Everyone, mount your pogo sticks.”
- “O come now, you can’t be serious! Really. You’re standing on the stage of a comedy club, it’s not allowed.”
- “My name is Lancelot. Sir Lancelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table, and I’m here to audition for the role of Jud in your upcoming production of ‘Oklahoma.'”
- “Oh! Well if you can do THAT, it’ll be even better! So I’ll put the gerbils away and let you work with the platinum ingots instead.”
- “It was a harsh lesson but one I won’t forget. Never again will I be caught away from home without a jar of blimp polish at hand.”
- “I say, Smythe, I don’t wish to alarm you but isn’t that a Pedicinus hamadryas trying to access your browser history?”
- “So, you think you’ve got what it takes to join our elite team? You’ll have to prove it— not just anyone can earn the title of Master Toothpick Carver!”
- “You fool, the mission launches in three hours and you forgot to train the gerbils!?”
- “My colleagues laughed at me, called me mad— mad! But the last laugh will be mine, now that I have bought a comedy club!”
- “Sir, I take offense at that remark, and must challenge you to a duel on the field of honor! We meet at dawn tomorrow, and then we will see whose goldfish are better trombonists!”
- “Yes, it can be confusing. Look closely. The one on the left is a gerbil, the one in the middle is a hamster, and the one on the right is a coolant pump from an MP15DC diesel locomotive. Try not to get them mixed up again.”
- “True, Detective, the witness was in a state of shock— but don’t forget the unicycle really was painted green!”
- “Captain, sensors detect an intense spatial anomaly directly ahead— readings suggest a region in which known physical laws have been replaced by mahjong rules.”
- “We’re only two hours from launching the D-day invasion and you’re telling me NOW you put too much vermouth in the martinis?”
- “Next— and this is key— you must fill the reactor coolant tank with pimento-stuffed olives.”
- “You never love me, never! All along you only wanted control of my unicycle factory!”
- “Eh, unicorn, unicycle, what’s the difference? We’ll make it work.”
- “It’s a dream come true! All my life I’ve wanted to own an aglet factory and now I do!”
- “Well, Doctor, that’s definitely an innovative surgical approach, but can we really fit a grand piano into the patient’s gall bladder?”
- “What? ALL the microscopes are wicker?”
- “Look at this, Detective! While these appeared to be bloodstains on the victim’s clothes, a closer look shows the victim himself is actually a cucumber!”
- “Hold, sirrah, darest thou to set foot ‘pon the King’s estate? Surely, varlet, thou shalt be set to count ev’ry jellybean in this jar as punishment!”
- “But no, Watson, you have failed to account for the fact that aardvarks hate polka music!”
- “O Mary darling, no one more gracefully pours concrete bridge abutments than you!”
- “Excellent, you’ve irradiated the towel rods.”
- “No. Put the noodles in the magnetometer.”
- “I really don’t think that’s a good idea. At least not until AFTER you train the gastropods to tap dance.”
- “Well here’s your problem: you were supposed to connect the red wire to terminal #3, but instead you filled the compartment with grated carrots.”
- “Okay let’s run the checklist. Main engine start, check. Inertial guidance system on, check. VFR receiver in standby mode, check. Mimes sedated, check.”
- “It’s time. Reset the platypus.”
- “Your noodles aren’t al dente. Cancel the invasion.”
- “Oh no! The helicopter is plaid!”
- “The accident investigation team has issued their final report, and can conclude with absolute certainty that building a supersonic fighter jet out of lasagna noodles was a mistake.”
- “Cheddar cheese? Well, okay, but I’m pretty sure the specs call for SAE Grade 30 ball-bearing grease.”
- “Cabbages! Cabbages! Who keeps putting cabbages in the antimatter reactor?”
- “I love you but it can never work out between us. We just live in different worlds. In mine, no one minds when I defenestrate a tapir.”
- “I tell you this volcano is going to blow! We’ve got to evacuate the National Podiatry Museum now!”
- “Of all the countless worlds in the Galaxy, the Invaders knew that only one, the planet Earth, held the precious resource they required: cocktail olives.”
- “So it’s decided. We will attack the Baron’s castle at first light, with every knight, archer and pikeman at once. Begin knitting your sword cozies now.”
- “Now listen to me very carefully. Give the strawberries to the haberdashers and the raspberries to the milliners, not the other way around. Understand?”
- “You fool, Igor, I said my creature needed BRAINS. Where am I going to put 50 pounds of mixed wheat and barley?”
- “You may have fooled the police, Monsieur, but you did not fool Hercule Poirot! I knew instantly that it was no accident the Siberian Tiger was dressed in Lord Melbury’s boxer shorts!”
- “Oh no— run for your lives! That’s not a duck, it’s a Dromornis stirtoni!”
- “Captain, sensors detect a space-time anomaly ahead. It appears that within the anomaly, dangers which threaten the ship may not be resolved in exactly 45 minutes.”
- “This is an octopus, that is a squid, and that is a diesel engine. Try not to get them mixed up again.”
- “No, you can’t build a nuclear-powered aircraft carrier out of Velveeta. Stop asking.”
- “Well here’s your problem, you didn’t put enough nutmeg in the reactor coolant.”
- “I am Lord Tyrannax, Emperor of the Lands Between the Mountains, Ruler of the Southern Islands, Protector of the Realm, Defender of the Great Circle, High in Wisdom and Majesty, Supreme King over all Kings! Stop calling about my car warranty!”
- “Next, put a single drop of oil on the axle. It’ll spread evenly as the gears turn. Then, delicately place the main spring into its housing, being sure not to let the hollandaise sauce curdle inside the gearbox.”
- “Why is an emu wearing my otter costume?”
- “Well I’d like to help you, but you’ve got an octopus on your face.”
- “And on that day the moon will turn to blood and the sun become ash. The stars will fall from the sky and the seas boil into dust. And then, the bunnies will come. The bunnies will come.”
- “Admiral, I admire outside-the-box thinking as much as anyone, but you’ve assigned operational command of the entire Pacific fleet to a tub of dried kelp.”
- “Well that’s what you get when you ask an emu to perform your orbital calculations.”
- “Captain, we’ve had to drop out of warp 5 light years short of Rigel VII. There’s a herd of buffalo on the tracks.”
- “I never imagined something like this could come between us. But maybe if you push it to one side and then crouch down a bit, you can get by it.”
- “Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears! I promise I will return them next week after I’m done.”
- “But no, Watson, you have failed to consider that a man dressed as a bunch of grapes could not possibly swim the English Channel.”
- “Well naturally Lady Manorthorpe looked positively splendid at the gala, dahling. Quite the triumph, especially given how difficult it has become to obtain good quality clown shoes.”
- “For the last time, stop bringing your pet mongoose into the operating room.”
- Haiku Unlikely To Be Recited:
“A bright summer day,
Children throwing Brussels sprouts
At the ocelots.”
