Time for another exciting archive of my daily Twitter post, Dialog Unlikely To Be Used. Enjoy!
- “Puny Earthlings! I am Lord Vorgax, Ruler of the Kryzoid Empire! My battle fleet has your tiny planet surrounded— hand over your chocolate chip cookie recipe immediately, or we will open fire!”
- “Admiral Nelson, your plan to engage the French fleet at Trafalgar is quite ingenious, but the Admiralty is unsure about this part where you replace your sail canvas with a swarm of trained ferrets.”
- “It was on the day I lost my brother to it that I dedicated my life to one day finding the cure for Spontaneous Uvula Detonation.”
- “Okay, Sarge, get those paint scrapings over to the crime lab for analysis. They could be the vital clue that reveals who ran the steamroller over the tea cozy.”
- “I say, good show, old man, what? Absolutely topping! Come round the house and meet the mater, it’ll be a ripping good time! …Hang on. Sorry, I’ve got my banter set to the wrong twenties.”
- “We had no idea of the evil fate that lay in store for us. And yet, a few minutes after we set out, already too late to turn back, we realized the beef jerky wasn’t teriyaki flavored.”
- Proverb Unlikely To Be Useful: “Be not quick to boast of your wealth, for the greatness of a man is not based on his gold but on whether he can build little pyramids out of Vienna sausages.”
- “I’m sorry. I’d like to help you, but I’m standing in pudding.”
- “My Lord, prithee heed my counsel. The Black Knight hath designs upon the Kingdom; by my advice let us change our genre from fantasy to romantic comedy ere it is too late!”
- “But what about the peacock toenails?”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, never trust an elephant with a slide rule.’ If only I had listened!”
- “Oh, pardon me, Madam, did I defocus your helioscope?”
- “Oh no— the ducks have learned to make wicker!”
- “I’m sorry but no matter how much you want to, you just can’t fit a grand piano in your nose.”
- “You’re missing the point. We’ve got 42 tons of galvanized steel I-beams prepped and ready for construction here, but what I ordered was an espresso.”
- “Your Majesty, we have consulted the greatest tomes of ancient lore, and find the only way to break this dreadful curse is to stop wearing your clown shoes.”
- “There’s only one chance— quick, wrap the dental floss around the rubber ducky!”
- “If the ancient myths are true, this creature’s sole purpose is to bring about the end of the world. Our only hope is if it cannot find a parking space.”
- “You’re my hero, you really are. No one else can tie a clove hitch around a carrot without dislodging the spectacles.”
- “O Mary darling, how I love that special way you carve lima beans into tiny replicas of 18th century sailing ships!”
- “In all my years as a periodontist I’ve never seen this before, but there’s no doubt: your dentures have become sentient.”
- “Well sure, hindsight is 20-20, but where were you when we were deciding to make the anti-shark cage out of raw beef?”
- “You’re surprised? But I warned you when you hired me that my eyelashes were inflammable.”
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research, I have finally invented the remote-controlled Brussels sprout!”
- “It was all going so well… and then I mistook an egret for a heron, and the whole chess tournament was ruined.”
- “What a waste! You had a promising career as a toothpick design engineer and now you’ve thrown it all away to hand-weave Chex mix pieces?”
- “I say, Smythe, what a find! The perfectly preserved skeleton of a Neolithic hunter, struck down in the very act of preparing his Béarnaise sauce!”
- “Certainly medical research can benefit from outside-the-box thinking, but I think you’re too far out with your proposal to use amputation as a treatment for headaches.”
- “You are the great love of my life, and I will always cherish the way you used to do that thing with the other thing you’d put inside the square thing.”
- “All seemed lost, but then Watkins discovered one last cranberry raisin at the bottom of the bag, and the day was saved.”
- “This is not our fault. Yes, we were unprepared, but there was no way to predict the fate of civilization would hinge on mimes’ ability to juggle watermelons.”
- “I don’t mean to alarm you, but it appears a podiatrist is painting your stilts.”
- “Be warned! For on that day the stars will fall from the sky, mountains will crumble into dust, and ostriches will tap dance to music from ‘Hello Dolly.'”
- “Let the criminal underworld beware, for I am Non-sequitur-Man, and I have grapes!”
- “Stop! Now, don’t panic, just very, very carefully put down the asparagus.”
- “O my Beloved, do not weep when I am gone; instead remember all the happy times we had, carving Brussels sprouts into the shape of 5:1 reduction bevel gears.”
- “It’s partly my fault, Colonel, I should have been more clear. When I ordered you to take your cavalry regiment around the enemy’s left flank, I just assumed you’d know you should ride your horses rather than the other way round.”
- “Observe, Watson, how these footprints clearly show the murderer was wearing an otter costume!”
- “Why Mr Darcy, that is quite improper! A true gentleman does not interrupt a lady when she is making balloon animals!”
- “Mommy, make him stop! My hamster is reading Kierkegaard again!”
- “Captain, your helicopter is made of cheese.”
- “Tapioca pudding? But what about the neutrinos?”
- “Well, Mrs Smith, we’ve discussed your husband’s case with every specialist in the hospital and they all agree: that IS an ugly tie.”
- “Well, General, after this defeat I guess we know the old proverb is true: you can’t win a battle by gluing ravioli on your face.”
- “Our forensic analysis of the wreckage shows clearly this resulted from the illegal detonation of a wicker lawn chair.”
- “Well you’re getting better, but still wrong. That’s a gerbil, not a hovercraft.”
- “Monsieur, I am ze greatest fashion designer in ze world! Only I had ze genius to create ze evening gown made entirely of anchovies!”
- “My name is Lancelot. Sir Lancelot of Camelot, and I’m the Sheriff ’round these here parts.”
- “Old MacDonald had a farm, E I E I O! And on his farm he had a benthic Eumandya parva, E I E I O!”
- “Pardon me, Madam, I don’t wish to alarm you but it appears your squid is building a terrarium.”
- “No, you fool! Paint the KUMQUAT!”
- “Captain, this space-time anomaly is so powerful it has crushed the ship’s entire supply of balsamic vinegar into a singularity.”
- “Sheesh, it’s always the same. You open a fresh bottle of champagne and there’s an aardvark in it.”
- “Howdy, Pardner, that thar’s a fine-looking near-infrared mass spectrometer yew got thar.”
- “Arr, Mateys, thar’s stormy weather ahead! Hoist the mains’ls! Batten the hatches! And warn the mime troupe ta practice below decks t’day!”
- “Enemy invasion force sighted, heading for the coast. Notify the podiatrists.”
- “I have seen that which dwells in the deep. I know that which lurks in the dark beneath the Earth. And I give you this warning: its stamp collection is better than yours!”
- “So! After all I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me! By perforating my magnetometer!”
- “My name is Lancelot. Sir Lancelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table. Can I fix you a nice strawberry daiquiri?”
- “My colleagues laughed at me, called me mad— mad! But the last laugh will be mine, when my army of atomic supermen delivers pizzas in 10 percent less time than theirs!”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, use diegetic music to be more dramatic.’ I try to live by his wisdom.”
- “So, my old nemesis, we meet again— but this time, *I* have the wicker patio furniture!”
- “You know I love your writing, Will, but you might reconsider this bit where Henry V says ‘He that outlives this day, and comes safe home, will rouse him when he cooks lasagna.'”
- “No no no, I said the solar telescope to the LEFT of the dog park!”
- “I don’t mean to alarm you, Admiral, but this report from the Seventh Fleet says their soda crackers are soggy.”
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research, I have finally perfected the fully automated shrimp cocktail!”
- “I say, Smythe, what a find! The most perfectly preserved ichthyosaur fossil ever discovered, and with the side order of chips still intact!”
- “You see, Watson, the killer neglected one vital point— that a cyclops does not have depth perception!”
- “Oh, I see. Well then, perhaps it’s the other duck that knows the tango?”
- “Jest hold on thar, pardner. I’m the Sheriff o’ this here town and I don’t hold with some dude sellin’ used typewriters to the townsfolk.”
- “I, sir, am a gentleman! And a gentleman does not discuss finite, symmetry-reduced models of Loop Quantum Cosmology in polite company!”
- “But won’t that leave the chickens in the doctors’ lounge?”
- “I admit, I was wrong. Live Oak trees cannot be taught to sing Broadway show tunes.”
- “Scrub the launch! Scrub the launch! We forgot the bay leaves!”
- “My name is Lancelot. Sir Lancelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table. And this is my pet walrus Mr Tusky.”
- “I don’t know how to break this to you, but your wicker is fluffy.”
- “We thought we were prepared for anything. No one expected a bank robber to be carrying a giant squid.”
- “Sir, this is a respectable establishment and that sort of language is not welcome here. If you use the pluperfect subjunctive again, I will ask you to leave.”
- “My King, the goblin army is riding mopeds!”
- “Well here’s your problem: that’s not a Fresnel lens, it’s a cucumber.”
- “What a fool I’ve been, looking for love everywhere and never seeing you, beside me all along, riveting steel plates onto my APC without ever saying a word.”
- “It’s our first concrete proof of life on another planet! The Mars probe has photographed the tracks of an ancient creature in the fossilized riverbed, clearly marked as it approached the inner tube rental shed!”
- “It’s madness! Madness, I say! Admiral Drake, you can’t hope to defeat the Spanish Armada without more clown makeup!”
- “Thank you for coming to the funeral. Here’s your pogo stick.”
- “And e’er since that fateful night, the dread specter has roamed these halls, forever searching for its lost foot massager.”
- “In retrospect, I admit it was a mistake to believe my gerbil was a qualified neurosurgeon.”
- “The nuclear submarine sank at these coordinates on May 13, 1837. It suffered catastrophic hull failure due to the crew forgetting that nuclear subs hadn’t been invented yet.”
- “Captain, sensors detect a mass-energy cloud directly ahead, composed of high energy alpha particles, muons, and a rich, tasty gravy.”
- “Let’s face it. No matter how many millions we spend, the ROV will never photograph anything interesting on the ocean floor until we can stop the mermaids from taking selfies.”
- “Be careful— we don’t have a backup ocelot.”
- “Bad news, Admiral, the fleet is critically short of battleship cozies.”
- “You’ve got to believe me! If we don’t defenestrate the cnidarians in the next hour, we’re all doomed!”
- “Yes, if we reach the plateau we’ll be safe from the volcano. But that’s not enough. We must do more than survive, we must thrive. That’s why we must dare to first go back, and retrieve ALL our Mahjong sets.”
- “Of course it sounded good in theory, but you should have noticed that you’ve never seen an ostrich actually doing that.”
- “Watch out, the cheese is awake.”
- “Somehow, in this desert, radiation left over from the early atomic bomb tests has produced an incredible mutation! Throughout this region, all bottled Bloody Mary mixes are now too salty!”
- “We’ve traced the cause of the crash to an error in the checklist. Step 7a of the 3rd activation sequence should read ‘Pressurize the fuel lines’ but instead reads ‘Eat a baked potato.'”
- “Lieutenant— deploy the cuddly mugglywumbles!”
- “You know I love your writing, Will, but maybe you should revise this bit where it says ‘Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Especially because of all the mosquitoes.'”
- “All right you two, that’s enough! Johnny, apologize to your sister. Suzie, stop pouring pre-refined deuterium into Johnny’s Girdler Sulfide distillation columns.”
- “I’m not going to take this lying down! Instead, I will take it in the Arabesque position followed by a pirouette.”
- “Lissen up, barkeep. I’m the meanest, orneriest gunslinger in this here territory, and I’d as soon plug ya as look at ya. And when I say I want a demitasse of yer finest espresso, I mean yer FINEST, ya hear?”
- “Land ho! Land off the starboard bow! Land ho! Oh wait, sorry, it’s just a fried mozzarella stick.”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, always be mangy and adenoidal.’ I try to live by his wisdom!”
- “You’re right, I should have drained the pond BEFORE I placed the chicken.”
- “Help! Help! Do something! Somebody’s got to do something! This lettuce is wilting!”
- “You will not stop me this time, Captain Awesome! I, Nemesis Man, now control the entire world’s supply of fried okra!”
- “Ah, Sergeant, well done. I see you’ve fully extended the wicker detector.”
- “I’m sorry, I can’t. My wildebeest is in the shop.”
- “You’ve got to think carefully, our lives may depend on the answer! Is this needlepoint or embroidery?”
- “Sometimes I sit in the darkness, my mind overwhelmed by the futility of life, and can only think, ‘But what about the 3/4 inch #4 wood screws?'”
- “Now, don’t be so uptight. Lots of people forget to tie-dye their scarecrows.”
- “The reactor is going critical! Quick, grab the balsamic vinegar!”
- “I’m sorry, I’d like to help you but my tie is made of linguini.”
- “Yes, I believe that’s correct— though I think you do have to calculate the Eigen vector BEFORE feeding the gerbils.”
- “So, Mr Bond, we finally meet! But you are too late to stop me— soon my army of atomic ninjas will seize every asparagus farm on the planet!”
- “Captain, the warp drive is going critical— we’re looking at an antimatter detonation in five minutes. Let’s have chicken soup for lunch.”
- “Astounding! This can only be a bioplasmic atavism with heterochromic neospores developing complex dendritic mesothelia! That, or a piece of cheese.”
- “Enchanté, Mademoiselle. It is ze greatest ‘onor to meet so graceful and accomplished a lady on ze very eve of ‘er triumphant repainting of zis steam-powered bulldozer.”
- “Oh, just calm down. You can buy your otter another toupee at the next truck stop.”
- “Thanks for your interest in joining the Justice League. But while your superpower is certainly intriguing, we don’t think the ability to command hamsters to perform manicures is likely to be helpful in the field.”
- “No! You’ve miniaturized the wrong emu!”
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research, I have finally devised a nuclear-powered bathtub scrubber!”
- “The countdown hits zero in two hours. By then, we have to get past the enemy sentries, install these duplicate circuit boards into the missile guidance system, and paint all the lounge furniture in a jaunty shade of magenta.”
- “Objection, your honor! Opposing counsel has my crayons and won’t give them back!”
- “Oh pardon me, Madam, did I enfilade your armored infantry division?”
- “Your Majesty, Viking raiders have attacked your broccoli farm!”
- Haiku Unlikely To Be Recited:
“Autumn leaves rustle.
In the tall trees lobsters dance
the Macarena.” - “On this day, I am especially thankful that dental floss is not explosive.”
- “Avast thar, Mateys! Thar’s a storm a-comin’! Batten the hatches! And belay those multivariate statistical analyses until ye’ve done it!”
- “Detective, this homicide has all the earmarks of a professional hit— although, if that were true, the Brussels sprouts should be more crispy.”
- “Captain, sensors show a Klingon battle cruiser approaching on an intercept course. I suggest we all fall to the deck and whine ‘I don’t wanna!’ immediately.”
- “You never loved me, never! All along, you only wanted me for my elf costume!”
- “Well, this is not entirely unexpected… though I will admit I thought the chicken wranglers would have thicker beards.”
- “Well well, what a surprise. I open a can of anchovies and right away the podiatrists show up.”
- “Objection, your honor! This is a courtroom drama but the witness is clearly a character from a rom-com!”
- “Lieutenant, the ship is sinking. Break out the emergency daiquiris.”
- “What? The lobsters ate ALL the butter?”
- “This is no idle threat. You do that again, and I WILL undermine your patio furniture.”
- “O Mary darling, how I love that gleam in your eye whenever you varnish an artichoke!”
- “Look at this, Detective! The killer left his propeller beanie behind!”
- “You may have fooled the police, Monsieur, but you cannot fool Poirot! I knew at once that only your collection of ocelot vertebrae matched the marks left on the tennis court!”
- “All my life I’ve dreamed of becoming an assistant night shift shoelace weaver at a sneaker factory, and at last I have!”
- “Bad news, General. The enemy has landed its invasion force and our troops are not done trimming the asparagus.”
- “O great Pharaoh, I regret I must deliver bad news unto your ears. Your new pyramid has collapsed! The Master Builder declares that, though the omens favored the choice, building it of sardines in lieu of stones may have been an error.”
- “Look, you can’t prepare for absolutely everything, and frankly we just didn’t think ‘Eaten by squid’ was a serious risk on a hike up Mt Rainier.”
- “Hang on a second— those are roasting chestnuts. There are carolers standing on every street corner. And every storefront is decorated to an extent that would cost more than the store itself! Run for your lives, we’re in a Christmas movie!”
- “But won’t that cause the chicken to magnetize?”
- “But first, let’s reinitialize the walnut synthesizer.”
- “No, I can’t allow that. If you want to equip your battalion, you’ll have to paint the wicker lawn chairs yourself.”
- “O my Prince, how I long to feel thy embrace, when at last our hope is fulfilled and we meet again beyond the auto parts warehouse!”
- “I tell you this volcano is about to blow! You’ve got to hand out the floor wax NOW!”
- “Earth is facing invasion by the most terrifying alien intelligence ever encountered: the brain shrimp! To defend our world, we’ll need cocktail sauce and a whole lot of those little forks.”
- “Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring
because the blender was broken.” - “My son, these vineyards have been in our family for generations, and one day will be yours. But until then, you must be patient, and learn the craft of making balloon animals out of the vines.”
- “So, my old nemesis, we meet again— but this time, *I* have the macrame pot holders!”
- “No, you fool, I called for a ferret wrangler!”
- “I love you but it can never work out between us. I just can’t be with anyone who works at a ball bearing factory.”
- “Quick! Grab that gerbil before it reaches the reactor controls!”
- “I’m sorry, but this isn’t a good time. Our dog just depolarized the magnetic resonance imager.”
- “I don’t understand. Could you repeat the part where the dancing chicken calculates the Eigen vector?”
- “O Mary darling, how beautifully you grout those tiles!”
- “We’re less than an hour from launching the invasion and you’re telling me you haven’t finished knitting the howitzer cozies?”
- “No, you can’t use caviar as ball bearings. Stop asking.”
- “Yes, it is done to preserve treasured mementos, but I think you’re missing a point here when you suggest having your Olympic gold medal bronzed.”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, always strive to be oleaginous and terpsichorean.’ I try to live by his wisdom!”
- “Oh, get over yourself. You’re not the first person ever to accidentally delaminate his carbonaceous hydropore!”
- “Activate the Brussels sprouts! Now!”
- “But what about the ocelot synthesizer?”
- “Oh no, we’ve only got twelve hours to flip that light switch or else the room will be too dark to read in!”
- “Oh but first we have to demagnetize the lobsters.”
- “But no, Watson, you have overlooked the fact that otters rarely play Parcheesi.”
- “The Kryzoid invaders are advancing all across the planet! They’ve got a hair gel that’s centuries ahead of anything we have, and even our best stylists cannot dishevel their hair!”
- “Well of course, a charcuterie board makes an ideal trampoline.”
- “Incredible as it seems, we must face the truth— the world will soon be overwhelmed by giant, mutated atomic cocktail olives.”
- “We’ve got to find out or we’re all doomed— do rats eat acorns? DO RATS EAT ACORNS???”
- “Well here’s why it shorted out, you installed your frog juicer backward.”
- “I think you’re making a big mistake, but if your dream career is to train polar bears to cultivate date palms, that’s your decision.”
- “My name is Lancelot. Sir Lancelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table, and this is my pet otter.”
- “I see your point, but I still think bringing an emotional support barracuda to a swim meet is going to end badly.”
- “The name’s McFluffykins. Bubbles McFluffykins. I’m a cop.”
- “In all my years as I doctor, I’ve never encountered this before. Mr Smith, your uvula has learned to perform calculus.”
- “You won’t beat me this time, Captain Awesome! I’ve discovered your secret weakness— earwax!”
- “O Mary darling, remember the day we first met? My parachute failed to open, but luckily for me you were driving by with a full cargo of marshmallows!”
- “And so the Wise perceived that the Shadow of Evil had indeed arisen once more, and was seeking, as evil ever did, to dominate all the manicurists in the land.”
- “Doctor, I understand how someone can mishear a word. But I think you should have realized the mistake BEFORE you transplanted an echidna into your kidney patient.”
- “Captain, sensors detect a spatio-temporal anomaly ahead, directly in the path of the cattle drive.”
- “Your Majesty, we’ve discovered why the Elven King did not send his archers to aid in the siege as we expected. Apparently this is a historical drama, not high fantasy.”
- “I disagree. We can’t assume the piano will be solar powered.”
- “Better call the bomb squad— it’s their turn to bring the pasta salad.”
- “One-eyed Bart’s outlaw gang is holed up in Devil’s Canyon. Git a posse together— we’re gonna deliver their Brussels sprouts!”
- “Why Mr Darcy, you should know a proper lady simply does not discuss NIRSpec Deep Field data that hasn’t been subjected to proper multivariate statistical analysis.”
- “Be careful— it’s getting crepuscular and iatrogenic out there.”
- “Your Majesty! There’s asparagus in the duck pond!”
- “Hold on thar, Pardner. Ya best put down that asparagus afore someone gets hurt.”
- “I love you but it can never work out between us. We’re just too different: I’m a board certified criminal defense attorney, and you’re dressed as a giant stick of butter.”
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research, I have finally devised a better way to tie shoelaces!”
- “I don’t question your expertise, doctor, but are you really sure the OR should have shag carpeting?”
- “This could be the clue that finally breaks this cold case wide open! Look— the missing Vienna sausage was hidden in the solar telescope all along!”
- “Well here’s your problem: you’ve put the wrong grade of maple syrup into the reactor coolant system.”
- “Emergency! Alert Mission Control immediately! The Mars spacecraft is less than 60 seconds from orbital insertion and the pilot doesn’t have a gin & tonic!”
- “You fool, Igor, I said my creature needs a BRAIN. And even if I hadn’t, HO scale would be too small.”
- “007, your mission is to cultivate these azaleas and win the neighborhood gardening prize.”
- “But no, Watson, you have failed to observe that the aardvark was wearing a cowboy hat!”
- “And behind this door is the spa exclusively for the use of our squirrel wranglers.”
- “Don’t let it get you down. Lots of people have solar telescopes that clash with their living room decor.”
- “Well I would, but my grand piano is made of lima beans.”
- “No! Not the wool coffeepot!”
- “Oh for crying out loud, I said DON’T use a platinum-iridium alloy to make pasta!”
- “So you’re saying the podiatrists ate all the olives and left all the pimentos, and did it before the archaeologists even arrived?”
- “Take evasive action! All engines astern! Raise the shields! Batten the hatches! Crochet the tea cozies!”
- “Hear now my tale, as I sing of Gildor son of Hrothgar, Mighty Warrior, who alone dared enter the Caverns of Doom to retrieve the Parcheesi Set of Destiny!”
- “My name is Lancelot. Sir Lancelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table. Now, pick a card, any card.”
- “Quick! Refrigerate the knitting needles!”
- “I can’t find it in the bird book but I think it might be a starling. Only, why is it running a steel mill?”
- “Look, I’m sorry, but if it was that important someone should have warned me not to juggle with the MRI machines.”
- “Well here’s your problem: the specs call for a VPP28-1060 high-voltage transformer here, but this is a can of expired sardines.”
- “So, you think I am merely a joke among supervillains, do you? You’ll change your tune when I, Chicken Man, have crossed ALL the roads!”
- “Today’s journey has been long; all I desire at its end is a cozy inn with a warm fire in the hearth, good food on the table, and a working quadrupole mass spectrometer.”
- “Captain, sensor readings indicate the object consists of a shell of high-energy plasma surrounding a core of creamy, delicious nougat.”
- “I tell you this volcano’s going to blow! We’ve got to paint the wicker before it’s too late!”
- “We thought the ordeal was over. But then… we saw the rubber duckies.”
- “Oh, pardon me, Madam, did I recalibrate your penguin?”
- “I don’t mean to alarm you, but your umbrella is ferromagnetic.”
- “And you might have gotten away with it, had you not forgotten that fingernails grow at 0.0000000003 miles per hour, rather than 0.000000000275 as you supposed!”
- “No! You’ve got to rewire the chicken simulator first!”
- “My blood ran cold as I realized— it was not a koala after all, but a steam locomotive.”
- “And remember: at Fast Eddy’s Auto Service, we put the IRE in tire realignment!”
- “Sometimes I dream that someday I might imagine that someday I will hope that someday I can aspire to someday being able to someday gain the skill to someday finish this sentence.”
- “I say, Smythe, what a find! The complete skeleton of an early Dromaeosaurus, preserved in the very act of riding its unicycle!”
- “We need a new strategy. What if we tattoo the aardvark first?”
- “This was no boating accident! And it wasn’t a shark, either. Because this is the 40th floor of a downtown office building.”
- Unlikely H.P. Lovecraft Book: “The Call of Cthulhu Gets Overturned on Review”
- “In that day the Earth will shake, the stars fall from the sky… and then, They will come. The Men Wearing Ducks As Hats will come.”
- “You almost got away with it, but like all murderers you made that one mistake: you overlooked that the Mahjong tiles you planted were one millimeter smaller than regulation size!”
- “You never really loved me, never! I always came second to your collection of vintage aglets!”
- “We might have a break in the case, Detective. See, here, the killer left a fingerprint on his leprechaun costume right at the moment he put the marshmallows into the panini press.”
- “No, it’s a leopard-print milling machine cozy.”
- “Oh puh-leeze! You think I’m impressed? You don’t even HAVE a pachycephalosaurus!”
- “Oh no! He used Italian parsley instead of French parsley! Everyone get under cover!”
- “You don’t understand— the water is freezing and there aren’t enough lifeboats. And we’re a full ten feet from shore.”
- “I’ll admit you don’t often see a ctenophore writing a sonnet.”
- “But no, Watson, you have failed to consider that a block of aluminum cannot sing Rigoletto.”
