As I previously announced, #DUTBU retired from daily posts as of August 1, 2024, the tenth anniversary of its start. So, this 14th archive of the series is also the final archive.
#DUTBU began just as a joke that occurred to me, and I posted a few entries on my Facebook page, and a few more when I happened to think of one, before finally making it daily on 8/1/14. I may still post a new one every now and again, if something comes to me that I think is good. I just won’t be working to come up with one every day.
So, here is the final archive of the (Daily) Dialog Unlikely To Be Used:
- “Come now, don’t do this to yourself! Lots of people make mistakes, and at least you’ve still got the kumquat.”
- “You fopdoodle! Don’t collywobble your scrimshaw!”
- “You haven’t seen the last of me— I will return, and next time my aardvarks will be painted green!”
- “Look here, Detective, we’ve found a vital clue! The suspect left his calipers in the victim’s shoelace collection!”
- “Okay, lay down the gravel first, then add the topsoil, then the Bechamel sauce, and finally the goose feathers.”
- “Bloody Mary mix, eh? Interesting choice for an Olympic swimming pool.”
- “I’ll have a vodka martini, shaken not stirred. Served in a Spongebob Squarepants sippy cup.”
- “Captain! The starboard cargo hold is full of tapioca!”
- “Ah, remember the good old days, when I would sit on the porch in the evening and watch you perform a section 229.23 paragraph (b) periodic inspection on our EMD E7 diesel locomotive?”
- “My name is Lancelot. Sir Lancelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table, and I challenge you to a pie-eating contest!”
- “As I stood over my fallen enemy, the only sound was the waves crashing upon the shore, the incoming tide slowly overwhelming the automated knitting machine with which he’d hoped to conquer the world.”
- Lullaby Unlikely To Be Soothing
- “Go to sleep my darling, go to sleep,
drift into the land of dreams,
and be sure you don’t roll over
onto the reactor exhaust vent.”
- “Go to sleep my darling, go to sleep,
- “We’ve got the place surrounded— come out with your hands up, and don’t forget the llama!”
- “But no, Watson, you have failed to observe that Lord Melbury’s lederhosen were magnetic!”
- “Oh, pardon me Madame, did I degauss your ocelot?”
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research I have finally invented the combination carpet cleaner and pacemaker!”
- “Oh come now, surely there’s another way to levitate the broccoli.”
- “Bad news— the teddy bears are made of uranium.”
- “O Mary darling, your magnificent indolence makes even a tree sloth seem hurried!”
- “Sheriff! Sheriff! Them outlaws done struck agin— they rode inta town an’ made off with ole Widow Smith’s entire collection o’ vintage anchovy tins!”
- “You never loved me, never! Which I understand, since we’ve never met before.”
- “You know I love your writing, Will, but you might want to edit the line where it says ‘O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou juggling elephants?'”
- “Hold on thar, Stranger. I’m the Sheriff o’ this here town, and we don’t hold with no unofficial rules in our Scrabble tournaments!”
- “Members of the board, I know this will come as a surprise, but the efficiency expert we hired has concluded that we should trim the ocelots’ toenails BEFORE sending them to the accounting department.”
- “Isn’t that always the way? Just when you think you’ve got your Brussels sprouts properly tie-dyed, you realize you forgot the tanning bed.”
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of painstaking research, I have proved that my yo-yo is unbalanced!”
- “Oh no! The piano is stretching!”
- “I say, Smythe, look at these potsherds! I’m certain that if reassembled, they would form a perfect example of ancient electron microscopy!”
- “Aurake, Jankins! Eftar dacedas of rasaerch, I heva succaadad in swepping tha lattars A end E!”
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research, I have finally made the most insignificant discovery in history!”
- “Don’t worry about a thing. Ol’ Hank here’s the best mime repairman in the county. He’ll have your telescope playing polkas in no time!”
- Dialog Likely To Be Used #DUTBU: “O Mary darling, you look lovely today!” (April Fool’s)
- “I must protest, sir, your behavior is unacceptable! I insist you provide your gerbil with a proper tuxedo immediately!”
- “Remember, as you value your life or your sanity, venture not upon the moor during the hours of darkness, when the forces of evil are exalted— lest you, too, become a victim of the dreaded Bunny of the Baskervilles!”
- “Excellent, Watson! You have correctly observed that a burrowing gopher would leave just such marks on the flooring. Yet you have failed to consider that this is an airplane.”
- “You can’t stop me now! I have *all* the semicolons!”
- “Well here’s your problem: this exhaust manifold is an ice sculpture.”
- “Good Lord! That jigsaw puzzle is tungsten!”
- “You cannot stop me this time, Captain Awesome! I have the marshmallow peeps!”
- “Come now, let’s be reasonable. You can wear the gorilla costume during your time with the particle accelerator, and I’ll wear it during mine.”
- “My revenge will be swift and terrible! When I am done, you will never forget the name Gryzflblorg Wxlmksyzzmik!”
- “No, you fool! Magnetize the otter! The OTTER!”
- “Quick! De-emphasize the ocelot spleens!”
- “Look! There’s an emu in the escape pod!”
- “I don’t know how to tell you this, but your roller skates are made of cheese.”
- “In hindsight, assigning the company mime to the job of PA announcer might have been a mistake.”
- “Fear not, O mortal, for I appear not with tidings of doom but of opportunity: we of the celestial plane call you to open a taco franchise in our realm.”
- “Captain, it appears our orbital calculations failed to consider the need to stop for chicken & waffles.”
- “We know it’s been your lifelong dream to be an orthopedic surgeon, and we wish we could help you. But as a medical licensing board, we just can’t overlook the fact that you’re a carrot.”
- “No, the mystery here is not whodunnit— it’s how the murderer managed to get the salad tongs into the piano in the first place.”
- “O Mary darling, your uvula is just so darn cute!”
- “Sure, fine, you go do that. Just don’t drop the ostrich before you’ve lacquered the piano.”
- “Come on, be reasonable! There’s nothing wrong with hiring a mime to paint the submarine.”
- “And in that long ago kingdom, the Elves raised the practice of accounting to its highest state of perfection.”
- “And so began the epic battle of chiropractors against haberdashers, which was to decide the fate of the world.”
- “Scotty, we need warp power or we’re all dead! Do some stuff to the thingy!”
- “You’ve got to defuse that bomb in a little while, or it’ll go off! So get to work before too long!”
- “So, you want to acroplasticate the gromular intrafibulator, do you? You better hope you finish before I castanize the neuroplanetron!”
- “Our accident investigation team has spent more than a year studying every piece of wreckage, and we can now report with confidence that the ship sank because it was made of marshmallow fluff.”
- “By Jove, Holmes! How did you deduce that the otter costume was made of pasta?”
- “You have met your match this time, Captain Awesome! I, Nemesis Man, now control the entire world’s supply of lawn furniture!”
- “Oh no! The emus have learned how to tap dance!”
- “Why, you’re not an accountant at all! You’re a haberdasher in disguise!”
- “Well here’s your problem— your Wankel Rotary Engine is rectangular.”
- “I’m sorry, we just can’t get the mimes to shut up.”
- “O Mary darling, truly your face could launch a thousand ships! But you do need to stop trying to push them with your nose.”
- “It’s an intriguing idea, certainly, but will the podiatrists agree to wear the leprechaun costumes?”
- “Try to remember, all our lives depend on it! Where did you leave the flan?”
- “So, Nemesis Man, you think to defeat me by putting syrup on the pancakes? You must not know that I, Captain Awesome, once survived the Beignets of Doom!”
- “Let’s git a posse together, sensors show the rustlers have taken the Ring of Power into Dry Gulch. If the detectives are right about the trace evidence they beamed up from main engineering, we— hang on a second, what genre are we in?”
- “But then who’s going to teach the accounting department to play mahjong?”
- “Don’t be ridiculous, that would require your saxophone to be wicker!”
- “Our security department has noticed some unusual activity on your credit card. … No, no unauthorized charges, but it seems to be sneaking out at night to play the banjo.”
- “To defuse the bomb, you must cut the red wire, while carefully submerging the blue, green and yellow wires in non-fat yogurt.”
- “Your honor, the defendant is charged with five counts of violating statute 836.4 paragraph 6B, concerning the illegal use of a banjo as a radio telescope.”
- “Seriously? Your dachshund is not even carrying bagpipes!”
- “Pardon me, Madame, but your banjo is ferromagnetic.”
- “My name is Lancelot. Sir Lancelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table, and I’d like to offer you a free roof inspection for hail damage.”
- “Quick! You’ve got to stop him! That chicken he’s carrying is actually a duck!”
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research, I have discovered a method for spending decades on research!”
- “Now gaze into the crystal ball, and it will reveal unto you the exact length of your toenail clippings!”
- “But no, Watson, you have failed to observe that the sofa cushion fort was actually made of broccoli!”
- “My colleagues laughed at me, called me mad— mad! But the last laugh will be mine, when they witness the power of my invincible, atomic T-shirt folder!”
- “At last I, Nemesis Man, have discovered Captain Awesome’s one weakness! He is completely vulnerable to lawn gnomes!”
- “So, you think you can fool me with a jar of *imitation* bagpipe polish?”
- “Oh, my mistake, I thought you put the uranium fuel rods in the other grand piano.”
- “I say, Smythe, what a find! The perfectly preserved tea cozy of an Eoraptor lunensis!”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, always strive to be rebarbative and rhadamanthine.’ I try to live by his wisdom!”
- “You can’t frighten me! I have wicker!”
- “Pardon me, Madame, is your penguin phosphorescent?”
- “I see! So when the locomotive pulls into the station, the sensor alerts the mimes.”
- “Puny Earthlings, I am Lord Vorgax the Destroyer, Ruler of the Kryzoid Empire! My battle fleet surrounds your planet— hand over your knitting patterns or we will annihilate you!”
- “Timmy! Put down that evaporative desalinator right now!”
- “Oh! You’ve got a Lima bean!”
- “Be warned, traveler, take not the northern road for it leads to desolate regions where trolls and giants lurk, and where the sushi bars are understaffed.”
- “One moment please, I’m demagnetizing my shag carpet.”
- “Hear, O Prince, my wondrous tale, a tale of heroism against villainy, of darkness against light, of carelessness against precision actuarial spreadsheets!”
- “Your Honor, we the jury find the defendant to be kind of woodsy.”
- “No, not without the solid neutronium rabbit.”
- “O Mary darling, how lovely you look wearing your all-wicker hockey mask!”
- “But when? When will you admit your feelings? When will we finally be together? When will we buy the penguin ranch we’ve dreamed of for so long?”
- “Ah, this is a fine Merlot, unpretentious yet bold, with distinct herbal notes and a brash, one might almost say impudent, hint of oak. Yes, this will do nicely as a reactor coolant.”
- “So, it was you who left the celery in the trombone case!”
- “Your cabbage is wilted, how do you expect to arm the torpedoes?”
- “We’ve got the place surrounded, Mugsy! Now put down the macrame spice rack and come out with your hands up!”
- “Round up them cattle, pronto! We gotta git ’em penned up afore they buy inter another pyramid scheme!”
- “Well, I heard that Lord Featherington asked The Earl of Tewkesbury’s daughter to the royal cotillion, though he knew well she is engaged to the Duke of Weatherfield, and he did not even supply the customary armadillo!”
- “No, no, the MIME has the Wiffle ball, the SURGEON has the Banjo.”
- “You fool, you forgot the emergency trout!”
- “I’m sorry sir, but this restaurant has a dress code. We cannot seat you unless you are costumed as a dish of glazed carrots.”
- “Ah, I see! So when the hippo steps on the pressure plate, it summons the podiatrists!”
- “Hello. We represent a shadowy conspiracy of mysterious, sinister purpose and evil intent. We have no legal identities and as soon as we leave, you will forget we were ever here. Do you have any jumper cables we could borrow?”
- “Don’t you think this is too convenient a coincidence? At the very moment we’re locked out of the vault, a dentist arrives with lime jello!”
- “No! My decision is final! We will not re-galvanize the mahjong tiles!”
- “You never loved me, never! All along, you were after my collection of refrigerator magnets!”
- “The patient as a compound fracture of the anterior lepidopteran nudibranch! Push 10 CCs of nephrozoa and prep for removal of the right ctenophore! And find out who replaced all our medical jargon with terms for invertebrates!”
- “Detective, look at this! The intruder must have dropped his fondue pot right after releasing the penguin!”
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, the Caterpillar model 416 Backhoe Loader has an SAE J1349 engine.’ His wisdom has always stayed with me!”
- “Helm, set course to 187 mark 15, increase speed to warp 7, and enable the marshmallow fluff synthesizer.”
- “Let the criminal underworld beware, for I am Line Cook Man and with my Spatulas of Power I will flip you directly into jail!”
- “Captain! That last photon torpedo broke right through the shields and severely damaged the soft serve ice cream dispenser!”
- “We’ve got to abort the Mars mission! The patio furniture is the wrong color!”
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research, I have succeeded in inventing the combination hair dryer and pasta maker!”
- “Good afternoon. I am a mad scientist bent on world domination. Do you have any cheese?”
- “What! Did no one warn you how incredibly dangerous it would be to fill the entire volcano with popcorn?”
- “You might have gotten away with it, if you hadn’t attempted to make the dagger out of cream cheese!”
- “Good grief! Do you mean to say you built a fusion reactor without an espresso machine!?”
- “While intriguing, your superpower of causing onions to turn blue within 6 feet of you doesn’t really qualify you to join the Justice League.”
- “My name is Lancelot. Sir Lancelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table. And my armor is made of asparagus.”
- “Remarkable, Holmes! How on Earth did you deduce that the noted surgeon was, in fact, a mime in disguise?”
- “After careful examination of the wreckage, and a painstaking analysis of the information in the flight data recorder, we can conclude with absolute confidence that this crash occurred because the aircraft was made of cream cheese.”
- “O Mary darling, just in case this is the last time I ever see you, I just want to say your third eyelash from the left is magnificent!”
- “I say, Smythe, as we wrap up our dig for the season, have you seen my pinking shears?”
- “My name is Lancelot. Sir Lancelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table, and if this is to be my final quest know that I shall either succeed, or quit and go home if I feel like it.”
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research, I have finally discovered how to lock the lab door when we leave!”
- “Puny Earthlings, I am Lord Vorgax the Destroyer, Ruler of the Kryzoid Empire! Our battle fleet now departs from your planet, because we didn’t know you had scary spiders down there.”
- “Hail and farewell, good folk of this fair Kingdom! I depart now to a new destiny, but will always remember our many adventures together! Especially that time with the Brussels sprouts and the warthog. That was weird.”
