{"id":1054,"date":"2015-12-26T13:37:01","date_gmt":"2015-12-26T19:37:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/?p=1054"},"modified":"2015-12-26T13:37:01","modified_gmt":"2015-12-26T19:37:01","slug":"dialog-unlikely-to-be-used-volume-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/2015\/12\/26\/dialog-unlikely-to-be-used-volume-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Dialog Unlikely To Be Used, volume 2"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><em>Greetings faithful readers: to those of you following my History of the United Colonies series, sorry about the delay. While I&#8217;m aiming for a weekly post, last week I had a home repair emergency and this week I had Christmas. Next week I&#8217;ll definitely have the next installment up, as the offworlders we met during the &#8220;Hiccup&#8221; deal with the consequences of Alexander Monroe&#8217;s election as Terran President. Meanwhile, here&#8217;s the second archived volume of my daily Twitter series, &#8220;Dialog Unlikely To Be Used.&#8221; \u2014Keith Goodnight<\/em><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>&#8220;I can&#8217;t believe we survived that mile-high climb up the sheer canyon wall! Is it too late to say we need to be on the other side?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Yeah, here&#8217;s your problem. This pipe is cracked and you&#8217;re leaking Dalmatians everywhere.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh Mary darling, your eyes are as green as a putrefying liver!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I want a divorce, George. No matter how much you say you&#8217;re sorry, I can never forgive what I saw in our squid tank.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Send forth your mightiest champion to meet ours in single combat, and let that, not clashing armies, show who keeps the puppy.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I am Sir Marvin, Accountant of the Round Table! Show me your ledgers, evil wizard, and I will tally them all!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Some say his ghost still haunts the castle, roaming the halls at night in search of his lost Monopoly set.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I love you but this can never work, we&#8217;re too different. I&#8217;m a certified helicopter maintenance technician, and you&#8217;re a carrot.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;This is the greatest intelligence coup of the Cold War! We have finally obtained a copy of the Kremlin&#8217;s pound cake recipe!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m a private eye. I was in my office when a dame walked in. Said she&#8217;d lost her library card. I knew that meant trouble.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Earthlings! The Xlgjorb empire will blast your planet to oblivion\u2014 unless you hand over all your backgammon sets immediately!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Director\u2014 the reactor&#8217;s gone critical! It just told Jenkins he has a bad haircut!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;They laughed at me, called me mad! Mad! But the last laugh will be mine! Igor\u2014 activate the raisins!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Aye, Cap&#8217;n, there&#8217;s a squall brewin&#8217; sure enou&#8217;. We&#8217;d best lower the tops&#8217;ls and secure the fo&#8217;cstle and stock up on apostrophes.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;My family&#8217;s always been associated with the sea. Sailors, fishermen\u2014 Grandpa Nick&#8217;s all-sponge rodeo&#8230;&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Parting is such sweet sorrow. But with savory overtones, and it could use a pinch more salt and some cinnamon.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Eureka, Jenkins! My gene-splicing research has finally produced the seedless sponge!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The Secret Chamber of Xilptql is ready. Let the Ritual of Power begin! Now, who has the marshmallows?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Our restaurant serves only the finest grease-and-weasel stew!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh Mary, darling, I love you more than all the Wingquist self-aligning ball bearings ever manufactured!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Stranger, this town ain&#8217;t big enuff fer the two of us. So let&#8217;s go to City Hall and vote to annex the Lakeview district.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Igor, I am about to complete my Mega-Destructo-Electro-Death-Ray\u2014 so stop knitting duvet covers and come hold this wire!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Sheriff, them rustlers have struck agin! They&#8217;ve gone and stampeded my entire tree sloth herd!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Nothing will stand in the way of my ambition, do you hear? Nothing! That pair of socks will be mine!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;ve wanted this all my life, and now, my dream has come true\u2014 I&#8217;m the weekend night foreman of a toothpick factory!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;No, Captain Awesome won&#8217;t stop my master plan! Soon every glass of lemonade on Earth will be insufficiently sweetened!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;After years of research, I have succeeded in recreating Abbot &amp; Costello&#8217;s &#8216;Who&#8217;s on First&#8217; routine in the form of haiku!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Be sure to build your thog with lots of sturdy flud and zurg. Then it&#8217;ll stand up to the harshest glizmatics.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Yes, the kingdom will be mine, and I will rule for all Eternity! Just as soon as my new socks arrive.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;O Great Sage of the Mountain, I have come to you seeking your infinite wisdom. Do you know where I left my car keys?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;O great sage of the mountain, I have come seeking your infinite wisdom. Can you tell which device this power adapter goes with?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;O Great Sage of the Mountain, I have come seeking your infinite wisdom. How can I achieve a life of bemused resignation?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;O Great Sage of the Mountain, I have come seeking your infinite wisdom. What&#8217;s your favorite fan fiction?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh Mary darling, I care more for you than the median level of caring I experience for the population at large!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The fools! How many lives must be lost before they stop building houses out of banana pudding?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Igor! Fetch the dental floss! Quickly!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Marshall Dillon! Those goldurned outlaws went and held up the bank, and got away with every spitoon in the place!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Captain, the Romulans are mooning us!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;That storm&#8217;s headed right for us! Lower the mainsail! Batten the hatches! And tell the crew to stop that chainsaw juggling!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;No, don&#8217;t go that way! All who travel that haunted road end up unpleasantly damp!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I have a plan to stop the volcano from destroying the village! First, we&#8217;ll need a lot of Kleenex.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Arr, Mateys, now that the treasure map be in our hands, no scurvy dogs can beat us to the lost Parcheesi set of the Incas!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m gonna practice cleaning this aquarium every day until the contest! The World Championship of Aquariuming will be mine!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I grow weary of your foolish bravado, Captain Awesome. So take off the Groucho glasses and try the heroic speech a second time.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;My time machine works, Jenkins! Now at last I can go back and find my sunglasses!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;They laughed at me, called me mad! Mad! But I&#8217;ve proved them wrong: my new rubber band stretches 0.5% farther than any other!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh, no, he&#8217;s got the anchovy! He&#8217;s got the anchovy!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>Haiku Unlikely To Be Used:\n<ul>\n<li>A bright summer day.<br \/>\nThe breeze ruffles the shining<br \/>\nMildew deposits.<\/li>\n<li>Down in the meadow<br \/>\nSlugs eat all the tasty grass<br \/>\nThey are delicious.<\/li>\n<li>A wafting breeze blows<br \/>\nThrough the lug nut factory<br \/>\nAs it goes &#8220;Clank! Clank!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>My heart aches with pain<br \/>\nThe lobsters have eaten all<br \/>\nThe marshmallow peeps.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I know it sounds incredible, General, but it&#8217;s true. A swarm of giant atomic mutant hamsters is headed our way this very moment!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Why you low-down, ornery claim-jumper! I&#8217;m the one who discovered this umbrella mine, not you!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Scalpel&#8230; retractor&#8230; good&#8230; watch his vitals closely, Dr Jones. Now, nurse, hand me the pinking shears.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;We are ready to begin the heart transplant procedure. Will somebody escort these accordion players out of the OR?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Sir Lancelot, it is a difficult quest\u2014 you must capture the dragon, not slay it, then use its fire to make the royal s&#8217;mores!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Why, those fools! When will they learn you can&#8217;t make nuclear control rods out of penne pasta?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Well, Big Jim, the shrimp herd&#8217;s lookin&#8217; ornery tonight. Yep, mighty ornery.<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I am Sir Eugene, Keeper of the Grocery Store of Camelot.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Vinnie, when I said to make the storekeeper an offer he couldn&#8217;t refuse, I didn&#8217;t mean give him 10 million for a can of Pringles.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Tell me, Monsieur Poirot, have you formed any theory as to how the killer concealed an ocelot inside the victim&#8217;s clown costume?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;For too long the Morning People have run the world. Now the rebellion begins! Before dawn, we hide ALL the keys!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>\u201cMmm, that\u2019s some delicious salamander!\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cNo, you fool, THAT button unlocks the broom closet!\u201d<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The storm is at its peak! Quick, Igor! Attach the electrodes to the pickle, and we will finally prove they can be used as lamps!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;My colleagues laughed at me, called me mad. Mad! So I took off the kangaroo costume and repeated my talk, and it was much better.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I recall my Grandpa&#8217;s last words. &#8216;Son,&#8217; he said, &#8216;I&#8217;ve been your uncle a long time, and you&#8217;ve always been my favorite cousin.'&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Yes, Frodo, this is the Support Hose of Power, which Sauron lost long ago.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I am Sir Eugene the Usually Sleepy, and I will undertake this quest right after my nap!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;But that would be impossible until *after* you dyed the chicken pink, wouldn&#8217;t it?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I remember the last thing Grandpa ever said to me. &#8216;My boy, be careful adding the activating solution, because it might blow u&#8211;&#8216;&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I recall my Grandpa&#8217;s last words to me. &#8216;My boy, no matter where you go in life, never tell anyone about the mustache farm.'&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I recall my Grandpa&#8217;s last words to me. &#8216;My boy, 37 is greater than 23.&#8217; Words to live by, indeed!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The prophecy is fulfilled, that one day a wandering knight would stumble across the castle, and leave without changing anything.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh Mary darling, of all aerobic organisms in the world, none converts oxygen to carbon dioxide like you!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;At last Igor, my creature is complete. All that remains is the whipped cream topping!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;They say the ghost still roams the moors, forever crying out &#8216;Where? Where is my leopard-print scarf?'&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I recall my Grandpa&#8217;s last words to me. &#8216;My boy, tighten flange C one quarter turn before attaching bracket F.&#8217; Words to live by!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;So, my old nemesis, we meet again\u2014 but this time it is *I* who have a ready supply of drywall anchor bolts!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O! And on this farm he had a Paraceratherium transouralicum, E-I-E-I-O!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;No! That is not the proper way to inflate a piano.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Bad news, General. The giant atomic mutant Brussels Sprouts have broken through our defenses and are approaching the city!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;O Mary darling, it&#8217;s so cute the way your hair and fingernails grow at roughly the same rate!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I recall my Grandpa&#8217;s last words to me. &#8216;Collect paperclips, my boy. Wherever you go, collect paperclips.'&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;He never shoulda turned his back on &#8217;em. Ya gotta be careful when yer wranglin a tadpole herd. Mighty careful.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Now wait just one gol-durned, cotton-pickin&#8217; minute! That there&#8217;s an invalid Eigen vector and ya&#8217;ll know it right well enough!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Now hold on thar, pardner, yew need ta rewind the bobbin ta do cross-stitchin&#8217; on that thar sewin&#8217; machine.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I know the bad grammar is embarrassing, Mr Jones, but look on the bright side&#8211; how many people&#8217;s big toes learn to speak at all?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there lived a beautiful princess whose pet tree sloth suffered from mange.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;We&#8217;re running out of time! Quick\u2014 activate the howler monkeys!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Greetings, Earthlings. We of planet Qrtlxpzn come in peace, desiring only to taste the free samples in your grocery stores.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;That volcano&#8217;s about to blow, and our miniature golf course is right in the path of the lava!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Hear me, mortals, I speak to you from the Great Beyond&#8230; Canned tuna is $0.03 cheaper here than at Kroger.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I recall my Grandpa&#8217;s last words to me. &#8216;My boy, don&#8217;t stick your face in a blender, it&#8217;s not as fun as it seems.'&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Engineering reports no damage, Captain, the llama missed us by a mile.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Whoooo-eee! That&#8217;s some delicious wombat!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;My time machine works! Glad I got that out of the way so I can get back to work on improving waffle-iron efficiency.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;We haven&#8217;t been introduced. The name&#8217;s Squidgen Q. McZurgleplertz, private eye.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;We must be cautious, Smythe, legend says the natives of this remote jungle use their spreadsheet software to deadly effect.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I recall my Grandpa&#8217;s last words to me. &#8216;Don&#8217;t put your lips on that, you don&#8217;t know where it&#8217;s been.&#8217; Words of wisdom!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;So, Stapleton, you were the traitor! I should have known it\u2014 only an enemy spy would wear velvet overalls!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Quick, Igor\u2014 fetch the pudding!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;007, your mission is to go to Istanbul, take photos of famous historical sites, and post images of local cuisine on Facebook.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Careful! These animals are deadly pack hunters. You don&#8217;t want to be caught in a brine shrimp feeding frenzy, believe me.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Sheriff, this town ain&#8217;t big enuff fer the two of us. So I&#8217;m a-callin yew out. Main Street, high noon\u2014 and bring yer ukulele!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Guard! Quick! This guy&#8217;s trying the old sick prisoner gag to get you to open the cell! Come in here and laugh at him with me.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Eureka, Jenkins! My formula proves once and for all that lobsters are larger than kumquats!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;You have not fooled Poirot, monsieur! It was you, and not Lord Melbury, who failed to return the library book on time!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh we&#8217;re off to see the Dentist, the wonderful Dentist of Oz!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Mrs Smith, we&#8217;ve taken your husband to the ICU. We&#8217;ll do everything we can, but&#8230; we&#8217;ve never seen a hangnail this bad.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Mrs Smith, only one thing can save your husband\u2014 intense, gripping medical drama! Everyone wave paddles and yell &#8216;clear!&#8217; Stat!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Mrs Smith, your husband&#8217;s surgery was going well until&#8230; well, I&#8217;ve just never seen a gall bladder attempt escape before.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Well, in hindsight it certainly appears tofu was not the right choice of building material for the Moon base.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Igor, are you telling me when I sent you out to find a brain for my creature, you brought back a bowl of truffle fries?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;We annoy each other but keep meeting by chance. Clearly we&#8217;re the Romantic Leads. Let&#8217;s just accept it and get on with the plot.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Sometimes I lie awake at night thinking, &#8216;Is this all there is? I though I got the 16 ounce size.'&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Eureka, Jenkins! My calculations prove that I can drive my interstellar spacecraft with the force of popping popcorn!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;You&#8217;ll be training on the latest military hardware, that&#8217;ll take the lead at Iwo Jima. Marines, this is the A-357 Attack Tricycle.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Colonel, it&#8217;s an ingenious idea for moving an army with minimal transport vehicles. But can we combat-train clowns in time?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;ll talk! I&#8217;ll tell you anything! Just\u2014 not the cotton candy! For pity&#8217;s sake, not the cotton candy!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;No, you fool, THIS button launches the Mars mission! THAT one deploys the puppies!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I, Garvox the Implacable, challenge the puny humans of Earth\u2014 Send your mightiest champion to face me in a game of Tiddly Winks!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;After decades of meditation, I&#8217;ve finally discovered the meaning of life! It&#8217;s a noun referring to the state of being alive.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I agree it&#8217;s an ingenious battle plan, General, but where will we get lollipop that size?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Regretfully, we reject your submission to the Journal of Quantum Physics, as we do not accept papers written on slabs of bacon.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m the Sheriff of this here town, Stranger, and round these parts we don&#8217;t take kindly to them what use the wrong salad fork.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Ah, the open road! Under the broad sky, crossing the rolling hills and plains, and lightly drizzled with lemon butter!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;We&#8217;re calling in a pulmonary specialist for your husband&#8217;s case, Mrs Jones, we&#8217;ve never treated someone who inhaled a piano.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Jenkins, you fool! That is not the proper way to inflate an aardvark!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Captain, we&#8217;re losing power! We&#8217;ll never make orbit unless we all blow harder!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Mrs Jones, we discussed your husband&#8217;s case with every specialist in the hospital and they all agree: he <em>is<\/em> kinda goofy.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Detective, the coroner ruled it a suicide. You have nothing to investigate. So stop painting those rabbits and get back to work.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;We know the army is suffering at Valley Forge, General Washington, but we simply can&#8217;t supply that much Silly String.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Professor, stop your experiment! If that reaction gets out of control, it&#8217;ll destroy everything in a radius of three centimeters!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Name&#8217;s Thug P. McFistPunch, and I wanna interview wit&#8217; youse guys fer the quilting job.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;To defuse the bomb, you must cut the BLUE wire first, then the red, then wash the okra, and then you can remove the detonator.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;In all my years as a homicide detective, this is the first time I&#8217;ve ever seen a case of uvula strangulation.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>\u201cAh, Thanksgiving memories! Dad carving the turkey, Grandma&#8217;s stuffing recipe, Uncle Ted&#8217;s trained ocelots performing &#8216;Rigoletto&#8230;&#8217;\u201d<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh yeah, here&#8217;s your problem all right. You haven&#8217;t used enough paprika in the carburetor.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;This is our last chance, and we&#8217;re out of time. We have to go now! Everyone ready\u2014 grab your big toes!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I recall my Grandpa&#8217;s last words to me. &#8216;My boy,&#8217; he said, &#8216;what in tarnation is that blue doohickey on top of that other thing?'&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Colonel Carter, you will lead your battalion to take hill alpha from the enemy. Issue your men their Boston cream pies now.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;You see, Doctor, I suffer from crippling anxiety attacks during which I fear that Arctic Terns are stealing my drill bits.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;So, my old nemesis, we meet again\u2014 but this time the mimes answer to me!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Eureka, Jenkins! My research proves conclusively that hangnails can be an inexhaustible source of energy!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Pardner, we done told you to watch fer quicksand alongside the river. No one but yerself to blame fer losing your Mah Jong set.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;You don&#8217;t understand, if I don&#8217;t get this promotion, then all my hopes and dreams will be largely unaffected!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The storm is at its peak\u2014 quick, Igor, toast the marshmallows!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The funeral will be at four, Mrs Johnson. Where do you want the clowns?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh Mary darling, our hearts beat as one! So, we must disconnect these wires before we can go on.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Eureka, Jenkins! After years of research, I have finally perfected my pudding recipe!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;After painstaking historico-archaeological research, we can now firmly date the collapse of this civilization to days of yore.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;O Mary, darling, your eyes are like the two humps of a camel. Or a dromedary. Wait, which one has two humps? I always forget.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Now pardner, yew handle that chuck wagon gen&#8217;rally fine but round here we don&#8217;t hold with beef less&#8217;n it&#8217;s cooked &#8216;en papillote.'&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m not telling you how to live your life, but making your anti-shark cage out of anchovies is probably a bad idea.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Eureka, Jenkins! After years of research I have finally discovered why there are no nudist colonies in Antarctica!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Please do not panic. The ship is not sinking. Turns out, that was a marshmallow rather than an iceberg.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;O Mary darling, for you I would climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest ocean, empty the fullest spittoon!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Captain! Um, the sensor thingy is, uh, showing that, like, one of those Romulan dohickeys is, um, uh, kind of off to the left.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Men, the landing at Omaha beach will be the most important battle of the war. So I want to see your tuxedos neatly pressed!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;O Mary darling, you have a beautiful nose! Of course I know that noses run in your family.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;O John darling, your many compliments are more lame than anyone else&#8217;s!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I am Sir Garvin the Sleepy! Bring forth your most powerful mattresses, foul sorcerer, and I will rest upon them all!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight, &#8216;Merry Christmas to all, please tell us your experience in this online survey!'&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Aw, gee, Mom, what&#8217;s with all the toys, didn&#8217;t I get any socks or underwear?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;So we&#8217;re trapped behind enemy lines, we trusted you to carry our entire supply of ammunition, and you ate ALL of it?&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Greetings faithful readers: to those of you following my History of the United Colonies series, sorry about the delay. While I&#8217;m aiming for a weekly post, last week I had a home repair emergency and this week I had Christmas.&hellip;<\/p>\n<p class=\"more-link-p\"><a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/2015\/12\/26\/dialog-unlikely-to-be-used-volume-2\/\">Read more &rarr;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"Archiving the Dialog Unlikely To Be Used series, volume 2","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1054","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-writing"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3BJaJ-h0","jetpack-related-posts":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1054","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1054"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1054\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1055,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1054\/revisions\/1055"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1054"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1054"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1054"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}