The entirely dramatic and very serious History of the United Colonies will return next week; meanwhile, here is another in the occasional series archiving my daily Twitter posts of dialog you will probably (though not certainly) never hear in any actual story:<\/p>\n
\n- “While it is a unique power, the ability to make snails crawl at twice normal speed doesn’t qualify you for the Justice League.”<\/li>\n
- “You never supported me growing up! You were never there for me as a child! And don’t tell me it’s because we only met a week ago!”<\/li>\n
- “I’ve lost my favorite quill pen, so we’re going to have to call off the Mars mission.”<\/li>\n
- “Chief, we’ve called out every fire and rescue unit in the city to no avail. Only a pastry chef can save that trapped man now!”<\/li>\n
- “This ‘un’s jest about the same as that ‘un, mutatis mutandis, pardner.”<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling, my New Year’s resolution is to find a way to compliment your pancreas, which is one I haven’t done yet!”<\/li>\n
- Recipe Unlikely To Be Used : Pan-seared ice.<\/li>\n
- “007, if you fail in this mission Spectre will gain a world monopoly on playground equipment!”<\/li>\n
- “Igor, you fool! This is linguine!”<\/li>\n
- “I’m sick of criticism for making my house of straw! No one even mentions the fourth little pig who made his out of dog biscuits!”<\/li>\n
- “They laughed at me, called me mad. Mad! But the last laugh will be mine! Igor\u2014 release the mimes!”<\/li>\n
- “No more excuses about your unhappy childhood! Your peach cobbler recipe is no one’s fault but your own!”<\/li>\n
- “Detectives Smith and Jones, ma’am, with the Imaginary Crime Unit. Can you describe the elf you thought might steal your purse?”<\/li>\n
- “You’re my one true love, but it’ll never work out. We haven’t gone on a date yet and we’re only 5 pages from the end of the book.”<\/li>\n
- “Git outta town, you yellow-belly, and if’n I ever set eyes on you agin, they’ll prob’ly roll off\u2014 so jest you be careful!”<\/li>\n
- “Hear now the ancient song of my people: ‘Feelings! Whoa whoa whoa, feelings!'”<\/li>\n
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After years of painstaking research, I have invented a left-handed Pez dispenser!”<\/li>\n
- “I’m a specialist in diseases of the pancreas and I’ve never seen a case like this. How long has it been singing folk ballads?”<\/li>\n
- “The Chemistry teacher might know what to do, but I’ve never seen a student’s spelling test go so bad it burst into flames before.”<\/li>\n
- “This is all my fault, all my fault. The battalion fought with courage and honor. If only I hadn’t forgotten the jello!”<\/li>\n
- “You see, Watson, from the shape of these toenail clippings we can deduce it was Lord Melbury who took out the insurance policy!”<\/li>\n
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘My boy, never trust a man with an oscillating multi-tool.'”<\/li>\n
- “Captain, we’ve entered orbit around Rigel VII, but the anchor chain is stuck.”<\/li>\n
- “Guard it with your life. It’s no exaggeration to say this is the most important bottle of non-dairy creamer in the world!”<\/li>\n
- “Igor, you fool, I said the creature needed a *brain*! What am I going to do with all this granola?”<\/li>\n
- “There’s still time\u2014 you are the finest team of combat accountants ever assembled. So tabulate! Tabulate like the wind!”<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling, you have the most enormous feet!”<\/li>\n
- “The name’s Doe. John Doe, generic detective. I investigate the routine, the ordinary, the run-of-the-mill.”<\/li>\n
- “Objection, your honor! This is a murder trial, please instruct opposing counsel to stop speaking in limericks!”<\/li>\n
- “Okay boys, Louie will keep the getaway car running. Mugsy, you’ll crack the safe. Vito, you make the s’mores.”<\/li>\n
- “You’re telling me that with the entire resources of SAC-NORAD at our disposal, we still can’t stop that cat from getting in here?”<\/li>\n
- “Hello? Yes, speaking. Yes… yes… yes… no, ocelot comes before otter. …Yes… yes… that’s right. Goodbye.”<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling, of all the hair on your head, strand number 346,283 from the left is the most luxurious!”<\/li>\n
- “You see, when that creature bit him, it passed on its terrible curse. Now, at every full moon, he too becomes a wereslug.”<\/li>\n
- “Your honor, the credibility of the witness is always at issue, and his toupee is not fooling anyone.”<\/li>\n
- “You were so unfair to me when we were children! *I* wanted to be the one to activate the particle accelerator, just once!”<\/li>\n
- “Oh come on! Other evil sorcerers get spells using newt’s eyes and dragon blood. Why does mine require belly button lint?”<\/li>\n
- “Verily we share thy love of childhood joy, Sir Garvin, but doubtest we that Vikings may be halted by thy fort of sofa cushions.”<\/li>\n
- “In retrospect, I agree that making the anti-shark cage out of dried anchovies was a bad idea.”<\/li>\n
- “Curses, foiled again! But next time, Captain Awesome, I *will* prevail, and every choreographer in the world will answer to me!”<\/li>\n
- “Igor you fool, I said BRAINS! Now what am I going to do with all this track?”<\/li>\n
- “Warriors! Before you embark upon your sacred quest, we honor the ancient tradition by performing the ceremonial hokey-pokey!”<\/li>\n
- “Woe! Woe! Alas for these terrible tidings that have come upon us! This yogurt is past its expiration date!”<\/li>\n
- “Beware this opponent, Apprentice. He is a master of that rarest and most deadly of martial arts, Earlobe-fu!”<\/li>\n
- “Halt, varlet! Thou art poaching in Prince John’s woods! Deny it not, I see the brace of accordion pelts hanging by thy side!”<\/li>\n
- “It was a hard life. Up at the crack o’ dawn. I’d milk the cows, Sis’d feed the hens, and course Pa’d crochet a new tractor cozy.”<\/li>\n
- “The volcano’s erupting! And the lava flow is heading directly for the banjo factory!”<\/li>\n
- “As an ER doc, I’ve seen a lot of kids get beads or buttons stuck in their noses… but a whole camel? That’s a new one on me.”<\/li>\n
- “Oh the fools, when will they ever learn? How many times were they warned, always have a spare otter?”<\/li>\n
- “Admiral, we’ve searched the entire aircraft carrier stem to stern, top to bottom, and we still can’t find your rubber ducky.”<\/li>\n
- “Name’s Jake Colt, private eye. I knew the dame who slinked into my office was trouble\u2014 could tell from how she held that orrery.”<\/li>\n
- “Oh sure, but what about those of us who worked in the Great Haberdashery of Alexandria? No one’s ever sorry about THAT!”<\/li>\n
- “But no, Watson\u2014 you have overlooked the fact that aardvark’s noses are never that precise shade of pink!”<\/li>\n
- “But General, for an airlift of that magnitude we’ll need more than just the troops wearing propeller beanies.”<\/li>\n
- “Oh Mary darling, how can I ever explain how much I love you? I’ll try semaphore.”<\/li>\n
- “We’re getting a message\u2014 it’s in Morse code, it could be the trapped submarine! It reads: S-E-N-D-M-O-R-E-A-N-C-H-O-V-I-E-S.”<\/li>\n
- “Not the pencil holder! For pity’s sake, not the pencil holder!”<\/li>\n
- Movie Unlikely To Be Produced: “Batman Vs. A Can Of Expired Sardines.”<\/li>\n
- Movie Unlikely To Be Produced: “The Martian 2: Stranded in Idaho.”<\/li>\n
- Movie Unlikely To Be Produced: “Harry Potter and the Muggle Tax Return”<\/li>\n
- “You thought it the perfect crime, but like a thousand murderers before you, you underestimated the elasticity of ballet tights!”<\/li>\n
- “Forsooth, whate’er the russet light of dawn hath o’ercrown’d with glinting rays while soundeth loud th’ iPhone’s ringtone?”<\/li>\n
- “Oh Mary darling, your fingernails grow at such a charming rate!”<\/li>\n
- “Captain Awesome, if you don’t stop the Evil Overlord’s plan, a dozen people will be mildly uncomfortable for a whole half hour!”<\/li>\n
- “The timing is surely a clue\u2014 it’s no coincidence the murder happened while the victim was grooming his pet sloth.”<\/li>\n
- “On the fifth day from the solstice we set out across the Great Water, in search of the fabled land legend calls Lubbock, TX.”<\/li>\n
- “Stranger, you best turn around an’ walk back outta town the same way you came in. That’s how we do things here in Palindrome.”<\/li>\n
- “Important the Knights were. But the Jedi Manicurists\u2014 powerful keepers of good grooming were they, powerful.”<\/li>\n
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, never be ultracrepidarian but rather employ synecdoche in all your persiflage.'”<\/li>\n
- “Objection, your honor! The defense is being totally icky!”<\/li>\n
- “General\u2014 the invasion has met with disaster! The report says, ‘Intelligence reports faulty. Enemy not here for pillow fight.'”<\/li>\n
- “We need to cross that river before the enemy occupies the other bank. Troops, activate your propeller beanies!”<\/li>\n
- “Sometimes I lie awake at night, frozen with existential terror, as I ask myself, over and over, ‘What about the ferrets?'”<\/li>\n
- “So, Sir Galahad, let our trial by combat begin, to decide once and for all who can dry paint faster!”<\/li>\n
- “Pay attention from now on! When I ask a rhetorical questions I expect an answer PROMPTLY!”<\/li>\n
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘Who turned down the #@$% thermostat? It’s freezing in here!’ Words to live by, indeed.”<\/li>\n
- “I would have gotten away with it, too, if not for you and your trained flock of Splendid Fairy Wrens!”<\/li>\n
- “Igor, you fool! I said BRAINS! My creature’s already got an appendix!”<\/li>\n
- “It’s very well-written, Mr Jefferson, but perhaps we could change the third item to something other than ‘the pursuit of bacon?'”<\/li>\n
- “You fool, you’ve added too much oregano to the nuclear reactor! We’re all doomed!”<\/li>\n
- “Good Lord, that’s the second biggest olive I’ve ever seen in my life!”<\/li>\n
- “Incredible, Smithers! We have discovered a Lost World, where primeval beasts still roam– a survival from the Age of Sponges!”<\/li>\n
- “Well it’s a remarkable invention, Jenkins, but what use is a time machine that only takes you to 15 minutes late for dinner?”<\/li>\n
- “Now hold on thar, stranger, yew’ve fergotten to carry the one on that there actuarial table!”<\/li>\n
- “Rest now; at dawn we ride\u2014 and when we ride, we ride hard, we ride far, and we ride while practicing our juggling.”<\/li>\n
- “Oh Mary darling, even the green fuzz on your teeth is sexy!”<\/li>\n
- “Ah, we were young and carefree then… remember that time in Rio, when we got wasted and reseated a flange bearing at 16\u00b0?”<\/li>\n
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘My boy, “bacon jerky” is actually just bacon.’ I try to live by those words of wisdom.”<\/li>\n
- “I actually wanted to be an accountant, but when your parents name you Vorgax the Destroyer, Evil Overlord’s your only choice.”<\/li>\n
- “Nay, I am not the Angel of Death come for you\u2014 I am the Angel of Slightly Tired at the End of a Long Day!”<\/li>\n
- “They laughed at me, called me mad! Mad! But they’ll regret mocking me when my atomic olive pitter conquers the culinary world!”<\/li>\n
- “Being a Detective’s like doing a jigsaw puzzle, except the corners aren’t… I mean, because you start in the… oh never mind.”<\/li>\n
- “Though I love you, I can never marry you\u2014 you see, I must dedicate my life to the quest for the perfect toenail clipper!”<\/li>\n
- “Quick! We’ve got to stop Lord Vorgax before he starts stopping the starting stopper from stopping the start of the showstopper!”<\/li>\n
- “This is surely the least unlikely thing to almost fail to not quite entirely happen!”<\/li>\n
- “Why, you low-down yellow-belly, I oughta take this here shootin’ iron and really tranquilize yer penguin with it, yew hear me?”<\/li>\n
- “Godfather, it ain’t an undercover cop! It’s a dragon!\u00a0 A real live dragon, and it’s throwin’ cream pies at us!”<\/li>\n
- “As I look back over my life, I have only one regret: that I never completed my collection of antiperspirants of the world.”<\/li>\n
- \u201cEureka, Jenkins! I have invented the world\u2019s first combination X-ray spectrophotometer and accordion!\u201d<\/li>\n
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After years of painstaking research, I have finally succeeded in dissolving salt in water!”<\/li>\n
- “This is the gravest crisis I have ever faced in all my years as a rutabaga inspector!”<\/li>\n
- “Team A will make a frontal assault. Teams B and C will attack the flanks. Team D will mess with the enemy’s credit rating.”<\/li>\n
- “I’ve had it up to here, Madge, I’m filing for divorce. The drinking, the affairs… but the bombardier beetle was going too far.”<\/li>\n
- “This is the worst peril to ever threaten Anytown\u2014 Ultraman has a cold, and if he sneezes it’ll take out the whole city!”<\/li>\n
- “In all my years as a podiatrist, that’s the first time I’ve seen one of those explode.”<\/li>\n
- “Today we 20 brave souls embark our expedition to find the fabled source of Trickle Creek, said to lie a full quarter mile uphill.”<\/li>\n
- “We’ve consulted every specialist in the hospital and they all agree\u2014 it *should* have whipped cream on it.”<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling, the fingernail on the third finger of your left hand is the most charmingly clipped of all!”<\/li>\n
- “True, Lady Peinforte had motive\u2014 but she can’t have committed the murder. An 80-year-old woman can’t throw an elephant that far.”<\/li>\n
- “Look at that guy, he’s so sexy! I can never resist a man in a propeller beanie!”<\/li>\n
- “I used to have nightmares about it. Everyone did, who lived through that terrible day, the day the Brussels Sprouts fought back.”<\/li>\n
- “Now, you can’t say you misunderstood my advice, Dr Frankenstein, ‘Two heads are better than one’ is a common figure of speech.”<\/li>\n
- “Mrs Smith, we’ve consulted every specialist in the hospital and they’re all agreed: his toupee is completely unconvincing.”<\/li>\n
- “I am Sir Lancelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table, and I aim to clean up this here one-horse town!”<\/li>\n
- “Hoooo-weeee! There ain’t nothin’ tastier than a heapin’ platter of piping-hot penguin gizzards!”<\/li>\n
- “Eureka, Jenkins, my new discovery will change everything\u2014 so that from now on it’ll be spelled everithyng!”<\/li>\n
- “Tremble before me, mortals, for I am Vorgax, the Annoyer of Midlevel Insurance Actuaries!”<\/li>\n
- “Maybe I’m just an ol’ country boy, but I don’t hold with calculatin’ Eigen Vectors ‘cept by usin’ the Lanczos Algorithm.”<\/li>\n
- “Heed my words! Fire and darkness will fall upon the land! Crops will fail, the people starve\u2014 and then, the ducks will come.”<\/li>\n
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of painstaking research I have devised a method for training lizards to tango!”<\/li>\n
- “Nothing will stop me! I WILL become the first person ever to reach the summit of Mt Kilimanjaro in fuzzy bunny slippers!”<\/li>\n
- “Oh Mary darling, your liver removes toxins from your blood in the cutest way possible!”<\/li>\n
- “At night, sometimes I lie in bed and dream of granola.”<\/li>\n
- “Our full-service attendants will fill your tank, clean your windshield, and fix the story problems in your current manuscript.”<\/li>\n
- “I’d have gotten away with it, too, if not for you meddling highly-trained, professional police detectives!”<\/li>\n
- “Captain, the only way to start the warp engines now is several hundred man-hours of important but largely routine maintenance!”<\/li>\n
- “Log entry: Ship becalmed for 13 days, no end in sight. Crew is restless. Supply of after-dinner mints almost exhausted.”<\/li>\n
- “Log entry: Ship now becalmed for 14 days. Fresh water running dangerously low. May have to cancel tonight’s water balloon fight.”<\/li>\n
- “Log entry: ship becalmed for 15 days. Crew despondent, poetry slam lackluster.”<\/li>\n
- “Log entry: ship becalmed for 16 days. Crew worried we may be forced to eat the goldfish.”<\/li>\n
- “Log entry: ship becalmed for 17 days. Supplies of accordion-cleaning oil almost exhausted.”<\/li>\n
- “Log entry: ship becalmed for 18 days. Crew near to despair, have gone through all the Trivial Pursuit cards twice.”<\/li>\n
- “Log entry: ship becalmed for 19 days. First officer suggests the only way to save the ship now is to actually raise the sails.”<\/li>\n
- “I demand a million bucks, a plane to somewhere with no extradition, and the cops to stage a performance of Troilus and Cressida!”<\/li>\n
- “This is the police, Mugsy. We’ve got the place surrounded. So put down the celery and come out with your hands up.”<\/li>\n
- “Code blue in OR 3! Start CPR! Charge the defibrillator paddles! Start a large-bore IV with 10% Hollandaise sauce stat!”<\/li>\n
- “The situation couldn’t be more dire. The ship is sinking, there aren’t enough lifeboats, and we’re a whole ten yards from shore!”<\/li>\n
- “Watch fer rustlers along this trail, pardner. We got us a thousand head o’ Bos taurus they might be fixin to steal.”<\/li>\n
- “Mrs Smith, we’ve discussed your husband’s case with every specialist in the hospital, and they all agree: that is an ugly tie.”<\/li>\n
- “Fear me, criminals and all who follow evil, for I am Avuncular Man, and I will take you down in an adult yet kindly manner!”<\/li>\n
- “Igor, you fool! You made me lose count! Now I have to make the creature’s toenails all over again!”<\/li>\n
- “Yes, your plan sounds likely to succeed, but how would we get that many noodles before the volcano erupts?”<\/li>\n
- “In all my years as a Captain, this is the one thing I hoped I’d never have to say: ‘Freempop globnik bibble thog xyperqizzl.'”<\/li>\n
- “You’ve got to move faster, we’re running out of time\u2014 I don’t want to have to tap into my collection of rare, antique minutes!”<\/li>\n
- “I can’t believe he fell for that\u2014 hey Aragorn, do you think he’ll buy it if we say ‘Hey Frodo, there’s also Sauron’s earrings?'”<\/li>\n
- “Aye, thar blows the white whale! I’ll get it this time! Load the paintball guns with proper whale color and be quick about it!”<\/li>\n
- “The invasion will begin at dawn. I want all gear prepped and ready to go, and that includes the bernaise sauce.”<\/li>\n
- “So, Captain Awesome, my old nemesis, we meet again\u2014 but this time, your baklava recipe will not be enough to save you!”<\/li>\n
- “We’ve got to hurry\u2014 Count Evil’s Electro-death Ray is aimed right at Cityville and it’ll fire in only 1,085,562 hours!”<\/li>\n
- “Igor, you fool! I don’t care if it’s healthy, my creature needs the brain of a Nobel-prize-winning genius, not a bag of quinoa!”<\/li>\n
- “When the dame slinked into my office, I knew she was trouble. Said she needed a private eye. Someone stole her bagpipe music.”<\/li>\n
- “They laughed at me, called me mad\u2014 mad! But the last laugh will be mine, when my marshmallow-powered robot conquers the world!”<\/li>\n
- “In all my years as a detective, this must surely be the tenth most puzzling case I’ve ever worked. Maybe even the ninth most.”<\/li>\n
- “Eureka! My new quantum collector not only accumulates Higgs bosons in bulk, it dispenses them in a delicious white wine sauce!”<\/li>\n
- “Surely never before in history have so many lives depended on the flinging of one rubber chicken!”<\/li>\n
- “I tossed back a slug of Jack Daniels while I cleaned my .38. I’m a private eye. Name’s Lancelot. Sir Lancelot of Camelot.”<\/li>\n
- “Hold on thar, young ‘un, that ain’t the way to lasso an unruly steer. First off yew just cain’t make yer lasso outta pasta.”<\/li>\n
- “Sir, I regret to say the board has voted against you. Our new corporate headquarters will not be a ‘wicked cool’ treehouse.”<\/li>\n
- Movie Unlikely To Be Produced: “Captain America Clips His Toenails”<\/li>\n
- “Man the guns! Raise the Jolly Roger! Let every ship upon the waves learn to fear the dread pirate ship Snugglemuffin!”<\/li>\n
- “Here’s the situation\u2014 the train’s hurtling out of control, and it’s carrying enough mayonnaise to cover the city 6 feet deep!”<\/li>\n
- “My senses reeled with the horror of alien geometries in the ruined city of Nyarlathotep… where my dessert fork had but 3 tines!”<\/li>\n
- Movie Unlikely To Be Produced: “Star Trek: Quarterly Starship Supply Requisition Review”<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling, no one’s nucleoside diphosphate kinases synthesize adenosine triphosphate as beautifully as yours!”<\/li>\n
- “Mrs Smith, we’ve consulted every specialist in the hospital and they all agree: only a Lexicographer can save your husband now.”<\/li>\n
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘My boy, the Scharfenburg coupler is a superior design to the WABCO N-type.’ Such wisdom!”<\/li>\n
- “No! I’m sorry you misunderstood, but your parapsychology degree doesn’t mean you get to do therapy while jumping out of airplanes.”<\/li>\n
- “Just when it seemed all was lost, we realized we had forgotten about the gerbils!”<\/li>\n
- “Fear me, all who follow evil, for I am Indecisive Man, and I have the power to capture criminals, or not!”<\/li>\n
- “For reasons too complicated to explain now, the fate of the free world depends on the outcome of his pillow fight.”<\/li>\n
- “Guards! Throwing the hero in the darkest dungeon always ends the same way. Try locking him in the rumpus room instead.”<\/li>\n
- “You fool, you’ve doomed us all! That’s the lever that reclines the La-Z-Boy!”<\/li>\n
- “Incredible, Smythe, the artifacts our dig has uncovered finally reveal the dark truth behind the origin of doorknobs!”<\/li>\n
- “Are you telling me we came all this way, and you forgot the otter?”<\/li>\n
- “Yes, sometimes we have to summon Godzilla to fight an even more destructive monster. But General, this was just a stray cat.”<\/li>\n
- “I’m sorry, General, on the Godzilla Threshold for giant moths, the trigger wingspan is measured in kilometers, not millimeters.”<\/li>\n
- “Yes, General, this time you summoned Godzilla for exactly the correct type of monster. But… that was just a photo from 1973.”<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling, I love your hair, your eyes, your ski\u2014 wait, what’s that? Eeewwwww! You should have that looked at.”<\/li>\n
- “If we don’t find Patient 0 in the next 6 hours, we could have a global pandemic\u2014 6 billion people involuntarily singing karaoke!”<\/li>\n
- “When he was bitten, the creature passed on its deadly curse\u2014 now, on every night with a full moon, he becomes a were-platypus!”<\/li>\n
- “Tremble before me, Earthlings! For I am Lord Vorgax, the Fluffer of Pillows!”<\/li>\n
- “C’mon, we’ve been in worse situations than this! If we don’t lose our nerve, we WILL get to the front of this checkout line!”<\/li>\n
- “C’mon, we’ve been in worse situations than this! At least this time the enemy’s only shooting bullets instead of garlic butter.”<\/li>\n
- “C’mon, we’ve been in worse situations than this! Have you forgotten the time with… the haiku?”<\/li>\n
- “Nay, we did not scorn your offer. But the price you asked was too high; and what you offered was also on sale at Best Buy.”<\/li>\n
- “Oh no! He drained the bathtub *backwards!* We’re all doomed!”<\/li>\n
- “It’s so hard to say Goodbah… I mean Gadbye… I mean Boodgye… I mean… oh for cryin’ out loud, see what I mean?”<\/li>\n
- “Sometimes when the night is long and dark, I lie in bed and think, ‘But what about the ferrets? What about the ferrets?'”<\/li>\n
- “It was a noble dream, but you let it become an obsession, and I’m out. I’ll no longer be a part of your aquatic all-fungus rodeo.”<\/li>\n
- “This is serious\u2014 there’s no redundancy for the main power coupling. No redundancy at all. No backup. No spares. No redundancy.”<\/li>\n
- “You’re too late, Bond! Within minutes I will control every #3 Phillips-head screwdriver in the world!”<\/li>\n
- “When the full moon comes on the even of the solstice, the Old Ones demand sacrifice! Accept now our 3 bags of lawn clippings!”<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling, your eyes are the vivid green of a stagnant pond full of rotting fish!”<\/li>\n
- “Gandalf used an AF36 light attack eagle for Isengard exfiltration prior to ELFCOM briefing on RRM (ring removal mission).”<\/li>\n
- “When will they ever learn? How many times have we warned them, don’t make skyscraper foundations out of pudding?”<\/li>\n
- “But wouldn’t the chicken have to be pink for that to work?”<\/li>\n
- “Paramedic unit 34 to county ER, we are 5 minutes out, patient is a 45-year-old male with a 3rd degree boo-boo.”<\/li>\n
- “They laughed at me, called me mad. Mad! But the last laugh will be mine, when I deploy my army of mutated flying laser guppies!”<\/li>\n
- “Them’s fightin’ words, stranger. Better watch yerself afore someone puts a weasel in your pickle barrel, ya hear?”<\/li>\n
- “Oh no! I left my pancreas back in the minivan!”<\/li>\n
- “Deadly warriors, the Kryzoids. You’ve not known fear til you’ve seen their eyes, peering over the rims of their battle aquariums.”<\/li>\n
- “The village never stood a chance when the Kryzoids attacked. They were relentless, merciless\u2014 and used the plastic bubble wands.”<\/li>\n
- “The Kryzoids now hold both sides of the river. And they’re pouring in the gelatin at an alarming rate.”<\/li>\n
- “The Kryzoids continue to advance on all fronts, selling timeshare vacation property to conquered populations wherever they go.”<\/li>\n
- “Enough! Until now we’ve held back out of common humanity, but there’s only one thing that will stop the Kryzoid menace: banjos.”<\/li>\n
- “Sir! Sir! Our banjo divisions have met the Kryzoids\u2014 and they’ve countered with tambourines! Nuclear-powered tambourines!”<\/li>\n
- “And so, with the fate of humanity hanging in the balance as the Kryzoids advanced on all fronts, the final hoe-down began.”<\/li>\n
- Insult Unlikely To Be Used: “Your left navicular bone is all lumpy!”<\/li>\n
- Insult Unlikely To Be Used: “Ha! When you speak ancient Etruscan you do it with a pronounced first century Latin accent!”<\/li>\n
- “They laughed at me, said I was mad\u2014 mad! But they’ll regret dismissing me when my army of atomic mutant cucumbers attack!”<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling, no one fills notebooks with long lists of palindromes as obsessively as you!”<\/li>\n
- “We must press on, make it over the mountain pass before winter comes, or else we’ll be too late to join the Bingo game.”<\/li>\n
- “Granted, but that still doesn’t explain the ocelot spleens in Lord Melbury’s desk drawer!”<\/li>\n
- “You have insulted the Emperor! For your treason, there can be but one punishment\u2014 Guards! Bring forth the harmonicas!”<\/li>\n
- “I’m the only one who knows the truth. Kill me, and you’ll never find out\u2014 was the grand piano really filled with sardines, or not?”<\/li>\n
- “Aye, Mr Queequeg, thar blows the white whale! Lower the longboat, and start the Strauss waltzes!”<\/li>\n
- “Strange to think how, after all the twists and turns of fate, the destiny of the world depended on one properly mixed Mint Julep.”<\/li>\n
- “You know, that’s scheme’s just bland enough to work!”<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The entirely dramatic and very serious History of the United Colonies will return next week; meanwhile, here is another in the occasional series archiving my daily Twitter posts of dialog you will probably (though not certainly) never hear in any…<\/p>\n
Read more →<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"\"Eureka, Jenkins! I've discovered the latest archive of 'Dialog Unlikely To Be Used'-- volume 3!\"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[7,3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1174","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-booksmoviestv","category-writing"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3BJaJ-iW","jetpack-related-posts":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1174","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1174"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1174\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1175,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1174\/revisions\/1175"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1174"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1174"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1174"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}