\n- Sport Unlikely To Be In The Olympics: The Marshmallow Throw.<\/li>\n
- Sport Unlikely To Be In The Olympics: Full contact Kick Knitting.<\/li>\n
- Event unlikely to be a part of the Olympic Closing Ceremonies: The Parade of Medium-Sized Lizards.<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling, your blandness is so ordinary, so wonderfully nondescript!”<\/li>\n
- “You best watch yerself\u2014 that’s Mad-Dog Bart, the fastest unicycle in the West.”<\/li>\n
- “At last, I have succeeded where all before me have failed\u2014 I have trained sea cucumbers to perform the ballet!”<\/li>\n
- “The real tragedy of this murder, Monsieur Poirot, is that if only the victim had survived, he’d be alive today.”<\/li>\n
- “Don’t you hate it when everything seems to be going great, then out of the blue someone tie-dyes your linguini?”<\/li>\n
- “We can’t just give up, Doctor, the patient still has a chance! Many have survived worse cases of belly button lint than this!”<\/li>\n
- “Stranger, I’m the law in these here parts, and round here we don’t hold with folding napkins that way.”<\/li>\n
- “Captain, I’ve found the trouble with the warp engines: someone forgot to feed the hamsters.”<\/li>\n
- “I want a divorce, John. I put up with the affairs\u2014 but now, you’ve misaligned the magnets on little Timmy’s particle accelerator!”<\/li>\n
- “No, Frodo, putting the Ring into an E-Z-Bake Oven will not do the trick.”<\/li>\n
- “Watch for the omens! The moon will darken! A sheep will bear spotted lambs! The microwave will cook popcorn slower than usual!”<\/li>\n
- “O Great Sage of the Mountain, share with us your ancient wisdom\u2014 do these Brussels Sprouts seem overcooked to you?”<\/li>\n
- “In all my years as a doctor, I’ve never seen a case of fatal eyelash detonation before.”<\/li>\n
- “O Great Sage of the Mountain, give us your wisdom\u2014 what is the correct pronunciation of xanthocyanopia?”<\/li>\n
- “Will, making the hero a Prince of Denmark instead of a miniature pig was a good idea, but maybe you should also change his name?”<\/li>\n
- “Weigh anchor! Hoist every inch of sail! We must reach Gibraltar before the Spanish fleet, or we’ll miss the mahjong tournament!”<\/li>\n
- “I am Sir Lancelot of Camelot, and I am on a quest to discover whether a plaid shirt will go with my armor.”<\/li>\n
- “Cap’n I cannae change the laws of physics! Warp drive is not actually possible according to General Relativity!”<\/li>\n
- “You fool, Jenkins! You’ve activated the fusion reactor without properly adjusting the saddle!”<\/li>\n
- “It’s so good to see you again! It’s been such a long time, five of my teeth fell out!”<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling, how can I live without you? Only with enough food, water and oxygen.”<\/li>\n
- “Let us now honor the valiant fallen, who gave their lives defending the Kingdom against the Snugglemuffin menace!”<\/li>\n
- “Recall the old advice: feed a cold, starve a fever. Ice a sprain, stretch a cramp, insult a hangnail, perform Rigoletto for a…”<\/li>\n
- “In my day, school focused on the Three Rs\u2014 Readin’, Ritin’, and Reactor Control System Software Design.”<\/li>\n
- “Don’t touch the red wire or the bomb will go off. Instead, lightly stroke the blue wire and say it’s a good wire, a happy wire.”<\/li>\n
- “This is it, Alpha Squad, we’re out of time. We’ve got to retake the enemy stronghold BEFORE the Hollandaise sauce breaks!”<\/li>\n
- “This is the proof, Smythe! We’ve uncovered the fabled Temple of Pino-Palo! It’s the only explanation for the logo on the T-shirt!”<\/li>\n
- Rejected lines from Shakespeare: “Cry havoc, and let slip the tree sloths of war!”<\/li>\n
- Rejected lines from Shakespeare: “Alas, poor Yorick! I dated his sister that one time, Horatio.”<\/li>\n
- Rejected lines from Shakespeare: “The quality of mercy is not strained… instead it is pureed, then spread over a dinner roll.”<\/li>\n
- Rejected lines from Shakespeare: “Friends, Romans, countrymen, listen up for a sec, would ya? This is gonna be good.”<\/li>\n
- Rejected lines from Shakespeare: “But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? Is’t halogen or LED? Useth a dimmer switch?”<\/li>\n
- “Coming up next, the latest hit from the accordion-and-bagpipe quartet that’s been sweeping the pop charts!”<\/li>\n
- “I figured out why we can’t access the strategic assets display: it’s in the Situation Room, and we’re here in the kitchen.”<\/li>\n
- “General, my orders are to take hill Sierra\u2014 but this ‘platoon’ you’ve assigned me is just a cardboard box full of ferrets.”<\/li>\n
- “Order in the court! Mr Prosecutor, for the last time I’m instructing you to stop breaking the court reporter’s crayons!”<\/li>\n
- “Horses? Nah, that’s just Hollywood Westerns. Now that you’re a cowboy here at the Circle-Double-T ranch, you’ll need a unicycle.”<\/li>\n
- “The name’s Lancelot. Sir Lancelot of Camelot. I’m a cop.”<\/li>\n
- “I’m the law in this here town, stranger, and ’round here we don’t hold with pre-IPO limited partnership investment schemes.”<\/li>\n
- “This is an emergency! Is there a horologist in the house?”<\/li>\n
- “See Spot. See Spot run. Run, Spot, run. See Spot reify metaphysical concepts without a proper cognitive frame.”<\/li>\n
- “After 30 years of research I’ve finally translated the forbidden scroll of the Mayas! It says ‘Eggs, milk, bread, lettuce…'”<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling, being with you is almost as joyful as dissecting a preserved nudibranch!”<\/li>\n
- “So you see, Inspector, I cannot have done it\u2014 when the crime was committed, my top hat was still at the haberdasher’s shop!”<\/li>\n
- “A diabolical plan\u2014 the killer replaced the victim’s cold cream with yogurt and then, without warning, released the gerbils!”<\/li>\n
- “Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there lived in a splendid castle a handsome prince who had a thyroid condition.”<\/li>\n
- “It’s over between us. I love you, but I can never forgive… the kumquat incident.”<\/li>\n
- “Foolish mortals, you cannot destroy me! Your most powerful weapons do no more than give me an itchy rash in my left armpit!”<\/li>\n
- “It’s no use, we’ll have to switch to the auxiliary ferrets.”<\/li>\n
- “I remember my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘Where’s my shoes, doggone it? Who took my shoes?’ I’ve tried to live by that wisdom!”<\/li>\n
- “I came, I saw, I\u2014 hang on, was that the Rubicon? I thought it was\u2014 oh bother, I’ve gone and made a mess now, haven’t I?”<\/li>\n
- “Behold, from the ashes a hero will arise
\nand will lead the people
\nto better investment strategies
\non a risk\/reward basis.”<\/li>\n - “Yes, Inspector, it was me! It was me hiding in the cupboard with a poisoned dart when Lord Melbury returned from mime class!”<\/li>\n
- “But for that to work, wouldn’t we have to dye the chickens pink first?”<\/li>\n
- “I’m sorry, I tried and tried but it’s just impossible to dissolve a grand piano in apple cider vinegar.”<\/li>\n
- “Aye, when a man looks into the abyss, it changes him, changes him right to the core. It changed me. Into an otter.”<\/li>\n
- “I am Lord Vorgax the Destroyer, and I’m gonna, like, totally conquer the world and stuff!”<\/li>\n
- “You fool! These blueberries are out of alignment!”<\/li>\n
- “I alone have succeeded where others failed! Any fool can catch a cold, but only I have trained one to perform tricks!”<\/li>\n
- “Success! I! now! control! all! the! world’s! exclamation! points!!!!!!!!!!!!”<\/li>\n
- “Mommy! The new floor wax is here! The new floor wax is here!”<\/li>\n
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After thirty years of research I have finally invented a generator powered solely by belly button lint!”<\/li>\n
- “Roman Legions! The entire world has trembled before you! Now put on your propeller beanies and teach these barbarians a lesson!”<\/li>\n
- “Every day during harvest, my Pa an’ me would be up before dawn, to feed the goats an’ pick the ripe carrots off the carrot trees.”<\/li>\n
- “I can prove the painting’s a forgery! Da Vinci had no access to the color of paint used here, in shading Wile E. Coyote’s fur.”<\/li>\n
- “No, I will not eat your grand piano.”<\/li>\n
- “To defuse the bomb, you must first cut the red wire, and then reassure the blue wire you’re not ignoring it on purpose.”<\/li>\n
- “We’re in trouble, Sergeant. The enemy is closing in, and these ammo boxes are full of buttercream frosting.”<\/li>\n
- “This town ain’t big enuff fer the two of us, Sheriff. Not ‘less you put yer supertanker somewhere else.”<\/li>\n
- “The sound of the hail striking the window was, he realized, exactly like that of a hundred slugs hurled against a red brick wall.”<\/li>\n
- “Welcome, good Sir Knight, to King Arthur’s court of Camelot! Prithee park thy Volvo in the lot over there to the left.”<\/li>\n
- “My colleagues never laughed at me or called me mad! Never! But one day revenge will be mine!”<\/li>\n
- “Eureka, Jenkins! My latest discovery will be of moderate interest to around 10% of my colleagues!”<\/li>\n
- “Me Thog, mighty hunter! Thog hunt many mammoth! Thog fight many saber-tooth tiger! Thog best at multivariate statistics!”<\/li>\n
- “You cannot stop me, 007\u2014 soon I will control the world’s entire supply of wicker footstools!”<\/li>\n
- “Oh, just get over it already, lots of people have that number of nostrils.”<\/li>\n
- Poetry Unlikely To Be Recited:
\n“I shot an arrow into the air
\nIt fell to Earth I knew not where
\nUntil the lawsuit.”<\/li>\n - Poetry Unlikely To Be Recited:
\n“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
\nBut not a Texas summer
\nBecause of the humidity.”<\/li>\n - Poetry Unlikely To Be Recited:
\n“I think that I shall never see
\nA poem lovely as a slime mold
\nI mean tree. Yeah, that works better.”<\/li>\n - “Eureka! After decades of research I have finally determined why people love chocolate so much! It’s because it tastes good!”<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling, the mere sight of you increases dopamine receptor activity in my neural cortex by 10%!”<\/li>\n
- “I realize you only wanted to help, but I said I needed to meet with the Mayor, not the mare. How are we going to clean my office?”<\/li>\n
- Recipe Unlikey To Be Served On Thanksgiving: Old-Fashioned Cheesy Weasel Souffl\u00e9<\/li>\n
- “This is the work of the notorious assassin, Hans Lafitte! Yes, I see Hans’ hands in it plain as day, but Lafitte will know defeat!”<\/li>\n
- “Cap’n, I’ve found the trouble with the warp drive: the yogurt was expired.”<\/li>\n
- “Sergeant, our assignment is to take hill Alpha at any cost\u2014 even if it means breaking out the pinking shears.”<\/li>\n
- “Every good private eye knows that when you’re doing covert surveillance on a suspect, it’s important to do your clown makeup well.”<\/li>\n
- “The Mummy’s Curse? Don’t be superstitious, Smythe, there’s no such thing! Just tell it to stop tickling you, and get back to work.”<\/li>\n
- “We’re in trouble, Sergeant. The enemy is closing in from all sides, and this pickle brine’s too salty.”<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling, I\u2014 oh, sorry, thought you were someone else. No, that’s okay, I can pick up all the ball bearings myself.”<\/li>\n
- “You fool, you’ve doomed us all! This is NOT pat\u00e9!”<\/li>\n
- “Only one thing will break the enemy lines\u2014 Alpha Team, start playing late Baroque chamber music. Beta Team, load the anchovies.”<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling, your perfume attracts even trained cadaver-sniffing dogs!”<\/li>\n
- “No, Inspector Lestrade, you have overlooked the fact that toenail clippers cannot fell a mature oak tree!”<\/li>\n
- “Sergeant, we’re in trouble. The enemy’s closing in from all sides, and our mimes are out of makeup.”<\/li>\n
- “I love you, but it can never work out between us: we’re too perfect together for there to be any dramatic conflict.”<\/li>\n
- “You fool, that’s the wrong button! Instead of deactivating the Legion of Evil’s doomsday weapon, you’ve released the clowns!”<\/li>\n
- “Ah’m the Sheriff in these here parts, and Ah aim to catch these rustlers afore they steal one more Hummel figurine.”<\/li>\n
- “Here’s lookin’ at you, kid. Remember, we’ll always have Lubbock.”<\/li>\n
- “It’s parrots! Soylent Green is parrots!”<\/li>\n
- “Luke, I am your second cousin, once removed, on your mother’s second husband’s grandmother’s side.”<\/li>\n
- “I love you but it can never work out between us so long as your pet sea cucumber doesn’t like me.”<\/li>\n
- “My name is Captain Nemo, and I alone discovered the secret that powers my underwater porch swing!”<\/li>\n
- “Yes, Frodo, this is the legendary Paperclip of Power, forged by the Dark Lord Sauron to hold all of his recipe cards together.”<\/li>\n
- “You fool! You touched the tree sloth, run for your life!”<\/li>\n
- “For over a thousand years the Jedi milliners were the guardians of stylish and tasteful hats in the old Republic.”<\/li>\n
- “All right, we hit the beaches at Normandy in one hour, in the teeth of fierce opposition. Start making your balloon animals now.”<\/li>\n
- Christmas Special Unlikely To Be On TV: “Tiny Tim Gets A Tax Audit.”<\/li>\n
- Christmas Special Unlikely To Be On TV: “Christmas With the Dung Beetles”<\/li>\n
- Christmas Special Unlikely To Be On TV: “The Day The Elves Get Their Tetanus Shots”<\/li>\n
- Christmas Special Unlikely To Be On TV: “Santa’s Magical Colonoscopy.”<\/li>\n
- Christmas Special Unlikely To Be On TV: “Vorgax the Destroyer’s Happy Holiday Planet Roast”<\/li>\n
- Christmas Special Unlikely To Be On TV: “Blinky the Elf and the Tainted Eggnog”<\/li>\n
- Christmas Special Unlikely To Be On TV: “The Story of Santa’s Socks & Underwear Shop”<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling, no one’s toenail clippings crunch so delightfully underfoot as yours!”<\/li>\n
- “General, we’re looking for more aggressive battle plans than TP’ing the enemy commander’s house.”<\/li>\n
- “It’s a dire situation… the aliens are landing their flying saucers in every city, and their jokes are terrible!”<\/li>\n
- “I’m sorry, I can’t change how I feel. And right now I feel that I am a giant carrot covered in marshmallow fluff.”<\/li>\n
- “Those fools, when will they ever learn? How often must we warn them not to make skyscraper foundations out of vanilla pudding?”<\/li>\n
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘My boy,’ he said, ‘fish do not have eyelids.’ I try to live my life by his wisdom!”<\/li>\n
- “Woe! Woe! Not all the treasures of the world can amend this grievous loss! I spent hours building that sofa cushion fort!”<\/li>\n
- “My blood curdled as I saw, peering through the window, the terrifying face of my enemy… the hummingbird had found me!”<\/li>\n
- “I’m warning you\u2014 cross me again, and I will unzip your otter costume but good!”<\/li>\n
- “Cauliflower? Igor you fool, I said my creature needed brains! ‘Kind of looks the same’ doesn’t count!”<\/li>\n
- “I say my new life support system design would have worked, if only those astronauts hadn’t insisted on breathing oxygen!”<\/li>\n
- “But Dr Jekyll, isn’t that likely to interfere with your weekly knitting symposium?”<\/li>\n
- “My colleagues laughed at me, called me mad. Mad! But I’ve proved them wrong\u2014 I’ve cured male pattern baldness in sea cucumbers!”<\/li>\n
- “O hear now my song, composed in honor of brave Sir Albard who rode his battle tricycle against the terrible dragon Scythax!”<\/li>\n
- “When the dame slinked into my office I knew she was trouble. Said she needed a private eye. Someone stole her electron microscope.”<\/li>\n
- “Okay we’re gonna need every ranch hand fer the roundup\u2014 y’all got your zen rock gardens in good shape?”<\/li>\n
- “Dagnabbit, the weasels have got into the pickle barrel agin! Now what’re we gonna serve at the Debutante Ball?”<\/li>\n
- “Eureka, Jenkins! I have discovered an inexhaustible source of energy powered by nothing but belly button lint!”<\/li>\n
- “I say, Smythe, when we asked you to bring cricket balls, we thought you understood we were talking about the game.”<\/li>\n
- “You never loved me! Never supported me! Never painted yourself green and played bagpipes with me!”<\/li>\n
- “And if you refuse to answer, we have ways of making you talk\u2014 Boris here is a ventriloquist!”<\/li>\n
- “I guess my dislike goes back to childhood, when my parents would tell me I couldn’t leave the table until I ate *all* the piano.”<\/li>\n
- “What ho forsooth, good Sir Knight, wherefore hast thou forsaken to prenominate thy twiggen’d ocelot?”<\/li>\n
- “Eureka, Jenkins! I have invented the nuclear powered toothpick!”<\/li>\n
- “Surely Shirley is so silly, Sally, saying Sean sternly stuns stoats specially swiftly.”<\/li>\n
- “General, the Martian invaders have seized complete control of Bud’s Roadside Alligator Farm!”<\/li>\n
- “No one in the world can stop me now! Soon I will control every petting zoo in the Tri-County Area!”<\/li>\n
- “An enemy platoon has holed up inside the rubber band factory. Be careful when you attack\u2014 those things can really sting.”<\/li>\n
- “Attention, Earthlings! I am Vorgax the Destroyer! Do you have a cup of sugar I can borrow?”<\/li>\n
- “Now hold on thar, Stranger, ain’t no need to get riled up. Lotta folks have small crowds at their poetry readin’s.”<\/li>\n
- “No no no, I said follow the YELLOW brick road! Now you’re stuck heading for the Emerald Truck Stop, and that’s no help at all.”<\/li>\n
- “Dr Jekyll, the Evil Serum went badly. Are you sure brewing a Private Eye Serum is the way to help find my stolen jewels?”<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling, I love you more than all the stars in the sky, except the ones in galaxy NGC1068.”<\/li>\n
- “Certainly not, it would be both improper and impolite for me to imply any such thing about your grand piano and your otter.”<\/li>\n
- “Igor you fool! Are you telling me instead of the genius I sent you for, I gave my creature the toenails of a murderer?”<\/li>\n
- “Oh, when will they learn, never forget to put the ketchup on the reactor cooling system?”<\/li>\n
- “It is time! Unleash the mimes!”<\/li>\n
- “I cannae change the laws of physics, Cap’n. We just can’t get to warp seven in a dugout canoe.”<\/li>\n
- “You want to talk about a dysfunctional family? I was 17 before I knew normal people didn’t keep watermelons in their doghouses.”<\/li>\n
- “Star light, star bright,
\nFirst star I see tonight,
\nI wish I may, I wish I might\u2014
\nHang on, that’s an airplane.”<\/li>\n - “No, General, when I ordered you to take your division and give the enemy a good shellacking, I meant it in the metaphorical sense.”<\/li>\n
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After thirty years of painstaking research, I have finally invented the bacon-flavored electron microscope!”<\/li>\n
- “I waffle over whether waffles waffle over whether waffles waffle.”<\/li>\n
- “Ah, fair maiden, tis an honor to carry thy token into battle. But perhaps, thy kerchief would be better than this chuck roast?”<\/li>\n
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me: ‘My boy, strive to be insouciant and terpsichorean in all your badinage.’ Such wisdom!”<\/li>\n
- “It is a dark time for the Rebellion. The Empire has just won an important victory in the Galactic Pictionary Tournament.”<\/li>\n
- “No no no, for the last time, THIS button fires the electro-death ray at Flash Gordon’s ship. That one phones my mother!”<\/li>\n
- “I agree it’s an ingenious battle plan, General, but where are we going to get that much silly putty?”<\/li>\n
- “I don’t think so, no. There’s just no future in ocelot spleens.”<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling, this Valentine’s Day allow me to demonstrate my love for you by diving into this vat of vegetable shortening!”<\/li>\n
- “Quick! This is an emergency! Does anyone have a Pulse-Amplitude Modulating Oscillator?”<\/li>\n
- “Yeah, I’m kinda busy right now, what with the enemy counterattacking in force and all, can’t YOU take the dog for a walk?”<\/li>\n
- “Igor, I sent you to steal a brain for my creature. This is a box of gravel with the word ‘brain’ written on it in crayon.”<\/li>\n
- “To defuse the bomb, you must cut the blue wire. But\u2014 and this is very important\u2014 do NOT squeeze the clown’s nose and yell ‘BEEP!'”<\/li>\n
- “Mrs Smith, we’ve consulted every specialist in the hospital on your husband’s case, and they all agree: he is very boring.”<\/li>\n
- “No! Not that way! You’re going the wrong way! Turn back! The penguins are that way!”<\/li>\n
- “In Moria, the Dwarves delved too greedily and too deep, and awakened the sleeping evil known as… the Ticklemuffin.”<\/li>\n
- “I feel a great disturbance in the Force… as if a million mimes suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silent.”<\/li>\n
- “General, it is my sad duty to report to you that the entire 8th Division has gotten lost on the way to the supermarket.”<\/li>\n
- “Once my master plan is complete, I will control every artificial eyelash factory in the world!”<\/li>\n
- “But soft, what through yon portal doth withal dismiss and becalm, wherefore ’tis e’en mostly forsooth?”<\/li>\n
- “No, General, I don’t think the German Panzer brigade will be distracted if you tell them their shoes are untied.”<\/li>\n
- Statistic Unlikely To Be Useful: The number of ducks in the continental US with spots on their bills that look like Abraham Lincoln.<\/li>\n
- Statistic Unlikely To Be Useful: Percentage of left-handed people who can do the polka.<\/li>\n
- Statistic Unlikely To Be Useful: Number of hairs on the left front leg of an average platypus.<\/li>\n
- Statistic Unlikely To Be Useful: Average height of Belgian harmonica players.<\/li>\n
- Statistic Unlikely To Be Useful: Frequency with which the word “banquet” is used in normal conversation.<\/li>\n
- “I put it to you that YOU are the murderer\u2014 yes, it was you in the penguin costume that night at the ball-bearing factory!”<\/li>\n
- “Oh no! Oh no! He’s got the frog! Did you hear me? He’s GOT THE FROG!”<\/li>\n
- “No, I’m sorry, we’re not accepting any new subplots right now. Perhaps you could try the novel down the street?”<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling, my multivariate personality analysis suggests we have a 93.2% compatibility rating!”<\/li>\n
- “The real tragedy of this murder, Inspector, is that the victim had only just finished wallpapering his particle accelerator.”<\/li>\n
- “Surely this must be the most important spiral-cut ham in the history of the world!”<\/li>\n
- “Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of painstaking research, I have invented the left-handed fish spatula!”<\/li>\n
- “They laughed at me, called me mad\u2014 mad! But the last laugh will be mine, when I succeed in teaching okra to play the bongos!”<\/li>\n
- “Sheriff, yew gotta catch them cattle rustlers. They’re keepin the neighbors awake all hours makin that rustlin noise.”<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling, I remember the day I first cast eyes upon you, and you screamed ‘Ew! Ew!’ and threw them back to me.”<\/li>\n
- “Well sure, with hindsight I can see that my all-anchovy marching band was a bad idea.”<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling\u2014
\nM is for the many ways I love you
\nA is for all the ways you enchant me
\nR is for Raleigh, NC, for no reason I can adequately explain
\nY is for… um… something.”<\/li>\n - “Somehow we’ve got to get through to him\u2014 if he flips that omelet, we’re all doomed!”<\/li>\n
- “My fault, I should have explained that. In most cars, R means ‘reverse.’ You had no way of knowing in this one it means ‘rooster.'”<\/li>\n
- “Thirty seconds to the launch of humanity’s first faster-than-light spacecraft… everyone start blowing on your bubble-wands now!”<\/li>\n
- “Earth to Rocketship XQ3, urgent! We’ve detected a meteor swarm in your path! You must do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself about!”<\/li>\n
- “Goldurnit, Sheriff, this here’s my only line of dialog in this story, and tain’t nothin’ in tarnation’s gonna make me cut it sh\u2014”<\/li>\n
- “Fighter planes! Artillery! Bombs! Nothing works! There’s only one thing that will stop the Martian invaders\u2014 wicker!”<\/li>\n
- “Captain’s log, stardate 8383.4: despite diverting all warp power into the shields, that darn cat got inside again.”<\/li>\n
- “Sometimes I lie awake at night, haunted by the thought that my olive pit collection will never be enough.”<\/li>\n
- “I recall my Grandpa’s last words to me. ‘My boy, waffles are actually deep-fried in the film of oil on the iron.’ Such wisdom!”<\/li>\n
- “General, the enemy has seized all facilities for cream cheese production! Our troops have to start knitting as soon as possible!”<\/li>\n
- “Well, your qualifications for the position of chief surgeon are impressive, doctor, but your bagpipe solo was inadequate.”<\/li>\n
- “It seemed so right\u2014 how could we know that letting the mullet hairstyle fall out of fashion would one day doom the Earth?”<\/li>\n
- “I’m so sorry… I don’t know what to say, I really don’t. Though I’m pretty sure ‘Plurtzwiggle boggle baggle’ isn’t right…”<\/li>\n
- “Your qualifications for the position of chief surgeon are outstanding, doctor, but this is a radio station. We’re looking for a DJ.”<\/li>\n
- “My Lord, the Vikings have completely surrounded the castle! We are besieged! Who will attend our Luau now?”<\/li>\n
- “You see, when I said books were the most powerful weapons ever invented, I didn’t mean for you to throw them at the enemy.”<\/li>\n
- “O Mary darling, I love you dearly, will you marry me?”
\n(Yes, for April Fool’s day I present Dialog *Likely* To Be Used)<\/li>\n - “I am Count Dracula, and I vant to suck your lymph!”<\/li>\n
- “I am Count Dracula, and if you have decaf, that’d be great.”<\/li>\n
- “I am Count Dracula, and I vant to suck that lollypop.”<\/li>\n
- “Every morning Pa and me would be up at the crack of dawn, picking ripe sardines off the sardine trees.”<\/li>\n
- “Here’s why it didn’t work! This isn’t the procedure for repairing the life support systems, it’s a chocolate chip cookie recipe!”<\/li>\n
- “Thank you for coming to the funeral. Here’s your kazoo.”<\/li>\n
- \u201cSorry, sweetheart, it\u2019s too late. They\u2019re starting the accordion solo and I\u2019ve forgotten how to dance.\u201d<\/li>\n
- “As you can see from these skid marks, the car was doing over 85 mph when it hit the mosquito.”<\/li>\n
- “Sometimes I get nostalgic for the old days, when Mom would bake an apple pie, and Dad would staple pickles to the ceiling…”<\/li>\n
- “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? One that is hot and muggy, with lots of mosquitoes?”<\/li>\n
- “Eureka, Jenkins, after decades of research I have created the first time-travel equipped orange juicer!”<\/li>\n
- “We can’t afford a mistake\u2014 beyond doubt, this is the second greatest crisis in the entire history of shoelace design!”<\/li>\n
- “No no no, you have to put the wombat in the box BEFORE reconnecting the carrot inducer!”<\/li>\n
- “Hold on thar, pardner, I’m the Sheriff in these parts and we don’t hold with usin stereotactic neurosurgery fer callosotomies.”<\/li>\n
- “This year, we’ve upgraded to the XP-37 high-performance stealth bunny, able to carry out Operation:Egg-Drop in half the time.”<\/li>\n
- “I, and I alone have succeeded where others failed\u2014 I have accelerated fingernail growth by a factor of 1.3 percent!”<\/li>\n
- “We might have known they don’t like being pickled. Still, no one expected the Great Cucumber Rebellion until it was upon us.”<\/li>\n
- “Er, no, wrong part. I asked for an ARQ-137 modulating processor unit with integrated capacitor. This is a coconut.”<\/li>\n
- “This is the new Godzillometer, capable of assessing earthquake damage to a margin of three milli-Mothras.”<\/li>\n
- “General! General! An enemy commando force has attacked the supply depot and stolen all our marshmallow peeps!”<\/li>\n
- “The police have you surrounded, Mugsy, there’s no way out. Now put down the eyelash curler and come out with your hands up.”<\/li>\n
- “You fool! You’ve mixed the vitamin pills in with the ball bearings!”<\/li>\n
- “There was nothing we could do! The tortoise herd stampeded, and we could only watch as they charged over the edge, 8 hours later.”<\/li>\n
- “Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! I will marry you! Oh, you’ve made me so happy I could steamroll an asphalt road!”<\/li>\n
- “Earthlings! I am Vorgax the Destroyer, ruler of the Krynoid Empire! We found this stray puppy without a collar, is it yours?”<\/li>\n
- “This is the greatest medical discovery since the artificial heart\u2014 never again will anyone suffer life without their nose hairs!”<\/li>\n
- “Bad news, we didn’t get FDA approval. Something about laboratory rats\u2014 we shouldn’t have trusted them to write the formula.”<\/li>\n
- “We’ve conducted thousands of trials with laboratory rats, and we’ve proved conclusively that they are terrible litigators.”<\/li>\n
- “Yes, your research was important, but you were supposed to do the experiments on the laboratory rats, not vice-versa.”<\/li>\n
- “The health department closed us down. Something about rats\u2014 apparently we shouldn’t have used them as ingredients.”<\/li>\n
- “At long last I have succeeded! I, and I alone, have discovered the secret of bringing felt tip pens to life!”<\/li>\n
- “So, my old nemesis, we meet again\u2014 but this time the creme brulee has no anchovies in it!”<\/li>\n
- “And that was the day I realized the deadly secret behind shirt sleeve buttons.”<\/li>\n
- “Our telescopes have confirmed it\u2014 that’s not an asteroid hurtling toward Earth, it’s a Boston cream pie.”<\/li>\n
- “No! Not THAT kumquat!”<\/li>\n
- “Drink this, it’ll calm your nerves. We all need it, after seeing a Brussels sprout like that.”<\/li>\n
- “Why, this is certainly the most stupendous scientific discovery in the last ninety minutes!”<\/li>\n
- “We have to call out additional units… this is the worst mass asparagus detonation since ’76!”<\/li>\n
- “Bad news, Pa, them goats got into the garden agin, an’ this time they’re doin’ scenes from Euripides.”<\/li>\n
- “There’s no escaping the mummy’s curse, Smythe. We should never have obeyed when we saw the hieroglyphics read ‘Pull my finger!.'”<\/li>\n
- “Mr Fezzelthwaite, you inept poltroon! You have once again spread too much mayonnaise on the ledgers!”<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Look for the daily #DUTBU to continue on my Twitter feed (@keithgoodnight), since I obviously don’t know when to stop.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It’s been a while since I posted an update around here. Keep an eye out for the “History of the United Colonies” series of posts to resume soon\u2014 I took a break from it at what seemed the natural stopping…<\/p>\n
Read more →<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"Today on my blog: \"Dialog Unlikely To Be Used, The Archive volume 4\"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1227","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-writing"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3BJaJ-jN","jetpack-related-posts":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1227","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1227"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1227\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1229,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1227\/revisions\/1229"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1227"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1227"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1227"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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