{"id":1341,"date":"2019-05-13T11:41:48","date_gmt":"2019-05-13T16:41:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/?p=1341"},"modified":"2019-05-27T11:19:35","modified_gmt":"2019-05-27T16:19:35","slug":"dialog-unlikely-to-be-used-volume-7","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/2019\/05\/13\/dialog-unlikely-to-be-used-volume-7\/","title":{"rendered":"Dialog Unlikely To Be Used, volume 7"},"content":{"rendered":"\r\n<p>It&#8217;s time for yet another archive of my daily Twitter post, <em>Dialog Unlikely To Be Used #DUTBU.<\/em> Enjoy!<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\r\n<li>&#8220;Yeee-haw! Ride that Galapagos tortoise, cowboy, ride &#8216;im!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;How could we know? Seriously, who could have anticipated the world would one day be doomed because we let polyester leisure suits go out of style?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Quick! Play a polka before the missile hits, it&#8217;s our only chance!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Yes, exactly! You&#8217;ve got it! Now put it into the wood chipper and set the fondue pot to low.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Guns! Tanks! Bombs! They&#8217;re like toys against them! There&#8217;s only one thing that will stop the Martian invaders\u2014 General, it&#8217;s time to call out the haberdashers.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Oh. I see. Well, if that&#8217;s your final word, then I&#8217;ll just have to take my giant-stick-of-butter costume back to the duck.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>Proverb Unlikely To Be Useful: &#8220;When life gives you lemons, stack them in the shapes of famous architectural landmarks.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>Proverb Unlikely To Be Useful: &#8220;Early to bed, early to rise, mid-morning for coffee, lunch around 11:30 followed by a light&#8230; wait, where was I going with this?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>Proverb Unlikely To Be Useful: &#8220;A penny saved may be grateful and write you a good letter of recommendation.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>Proverb Unlikely To Be Useful: &#8220;Beware of wolves in sheep&#8217;s clothing. Also of monitor lizards cosplaying as insurance actuaries.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>Proverb Unlikely To Be Useful: &#8220;Red sky at night, sailor&#8217;s delight; red sky in the morning, you&#8217;re probably on some planet that has red skies.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;O Mary darling, your trained ferrets hang from your earlobes with such grace and artistry!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I always said you&#8217;ve got a good head on your shoulders. But you should put it away now, it&#8217;s dripping on the carpet.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;It should be strong enough. That&#8217;s inch-thick steel, held down by a dozen half-inch bolts, and we made sure the linguini used for the struts is al dente.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;You fool, you&#8217;ve collimated the nictating frabjuration manifold! How do you expect to levitate the rectifying stoichiometron now?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Mrs Smith, we&#8217;ve consulted every specialist in the hospital on your husband&#8217;s case, and I&#8217;m afraid there&#8217;s no doubt: he&#8217;s got the mollywobbles.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;It&#8217;s my fault, I based my strategy on thinking we were in a sequel.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Why, that&#8217;s ridiculous! How can he play the bagpipes without his otter?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I am Zog, Mighty Hunter! My spear brings down the Mammoth and the Cave Bear! My arms tear whole trees from the ground! My lace doilies are more symmetrical than yours!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I am Sir Lancelot of Camelot, choo-choo train driver.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;General! A breakthrough in the supersonic ballistic muffin project! We&#8217;ve cracked the corn problem, and expect progress any day now on the blueberry front!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research, I have finally perfected the portable mountain range!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Do something for me, Sarge: if I don&#8217;t survive this mission, after the war find my wife and tell her that the Wankel Rotary Engine was patented in 1929.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;We journeyed far beyond the townlands into the wilderness, seeking always the clue to the location of the muffler shop.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Look out! He&#8217;s got linguini!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;If we don&#8217;t act fast, the entire world&#8217;s supply of wicker will be in danger!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Oh no, she&#8217;s having her baby, trapped in this elevator in a power failure! And the building&#8217;s on fire! And if we don&#8217;t defuse the bomb the city will be destroyed! And\u2014 who keeps pushing the &#8216;more plot&#8217; button? Stop it!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;You know I love your writing, Will, but I think something needs a revision in this new one, &#8216;Hamlet, Toothpick-cleaner of Denmark.'&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Oh no, he&#8217;s accidentally braided his harmonica!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Objection, your honor! The prosecution has not established that the penguins entered the room BEFORE the ravioli were overcooked.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Sheriff! Sheriff! Them low-down rustlers went and stampeded the entire porkypine herd! Who&#8217;s gonna finish translatin&#8217; Euripedes fer us now?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I say, Monsieur Poirot, do you mean to say that Lord Melbury never actually entered the hot dog eating contest at all?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Are you mad? How can you make bouillabaisse without a calliope?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;No, this was not a boating accident! It wasn&#8217;t any propeller, or a coral reef, and it wasn&#8217;t Jack the Ripper. It wasn&#8217;t a shark either. It was a sea cucumber.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;All right, Inspector, I admit it\u2014 I was the one on the stairs that night. But I&#8217;m not the murderer! I was only there to fillet my bagpipes!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Captain, sensors indicate that the Klingons have just thrown a large banana cream pie at us.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;It drives me crazy\u2014 no matter where I go, my nose gets there first!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;&#8230;and then it always takes the best seat.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;You see, Inspector, the murderer first had his trained meerkat dig a burrow, THEN he filled it with the keys he removed from the grand piano. The rest was simplicity itself!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Are you kidding me? NOW you bring out the gerbil expander?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears! I promise to sew them back on when I&#8217;m done with them!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;It&#8217;s not the career I chose, but what else could I do? Everyone I met told me with elbows like mine, I had to be an accordion repairman.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;There&#8217;s no time to explain, just trust me: this is the most important blueberry cobbler in the history of the world!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Old MacDonald had a farm, E I E I O! And on this farm he had a tapeworm, E I E I O!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;And ever since that night, on every Halloween the ghost appears, seeking its lost center-pivot high efficiency irrigation system.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Oh no, we forgot to multiplex the anchovies!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Dr Smith has now removed the diseased tissue, and we are ready to proceed with the transplant. Surgical team, please hand me the bagpipes and the rubber ducky.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Do you seriously expect me to believe you braided the giraffe&#8217;s tail by ACCIDENT?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Quick, Watson\u2014 the asparagus!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Emperor Ming! Flash Gordon is approaching\u2014 and he&#8217;s got your commemorative Wizard of Oz chess set!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;O Mary darling, I love your beautiful smile, your wonderful laugh, and the charming way you arc weld locomotive couplers to all your armored steel plates!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Calling all cars, calling all cars. Be on the lookout for an adult male suspect, wanted for questioning on a toothpick-arranging violation.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;It&#8217;s an impressive resume to be sure, but we just don&#8217;t have any job openings for an expert in tie-dyeing radio telescopes.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Sorry, the penguins are busy painting garden gnomes right now.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;The alien armada is heading directly for Earth! Quick, deploy the Cheez-wiz!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;This is mutiny, Mr Christian! As Captain of the HMS Bounty, I order you to put down those Mahjong tiles at once!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;My name is Lancelot, Sir Lancelot of Camelot, and I am here to fulfill all your life insurance needs.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;No, you can&#8217;t go out to play until you finish recalibrating your scanning electron microscope.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;There&#8217;s no way to avoid it. No matter what we do, this ship will sink in two hours\u2014 and we&#8217;ve just discovered all the lifeboats were made out of pudding.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;There&#8217;s no way to avoid it. No matter what we do, this ship will sink in two hours\u2014 and we&#8217;re a full ten yards from shore!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;It can&#8217;t be avoided. No matter what we do, the ship will sink in two hours\u2014 and the lasagna is not as buoyant as we hoped!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;It can&#8217;t be avoided. No matter what we do, the ship will sink in two hours. If only we&#8217;d thought to build the hull using *waterproof* glue!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Captain Video! I, Queen Sinistra of the Planet Empire, command you to deactivate your Proton Beams and surrender your Space Rocketship at once\u2014 or else I will no longer use melodramatic dialog at our next encounter!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;And no matter what you do, no matter how desperate the situation, NEVER comb your otter with a shrimp fork.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;This court martial is now in session. Members of the jury, put on the clown shoes now.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Well, it&#8217;s partly my fault, when I said &#8216;bring turkey&#8217; I just assumed you knew I meant the bird. But I&#8217;m sure we can find some extra chairs somewhere.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Seriously? You want to paint the canopy bed before the platypus has even arrived?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but your flatworm is bad at dancing the tango.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Oh don&#8217;t be silly, no one will be paying attention to your nose. At least not until your ears get back from vacation.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;It&#8217;s a salad fork! Oh dear Lord in heaven, it&#8217;s a SALAD FORK!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Squadron leader to base. On heading 270 degrees, altitude 25,000 ft, fuel 8000 pounds, speed 575 mph, onboard gerbil 2 ounces.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;It&#8217;s like a dream come true! Finally, a sea cucumber of my very own!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Members of the Court Martial, Corporal Smith fell asleep while posted at the reactor control panel, and his dereliction of duty is directly responsible for the poached salmon being overcooked!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;We&#8217;ve consulted every specialist in the hospital, Mrs Smith, and they&#8217;re all agreed: you should have an architect design your gazebo instead.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I recall my Grandpa&#8217;s last words to me: &#8216;My boy, a frivolous otter is better than a plaid platypus.&#8217; I always try to live by his wisdom!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;But then, what about the ocelot?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;O Mary darling, no one can comb a chessboard like you!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Oh well naturally, if you can get us a radio telescope then we can do without the pasta altogether.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Igor, you fool! My creature needed that brain whole, not julienned!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;So, my old nemesis, we meet again! But this time *I* brought the Rigatoni Marinara!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Now then, don&#8217;t be so upset, lots of people have trouble with excessive belly button lint.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;The time has come! Detonate the wombats!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Look, I hate to be critical, and I know other people have been bad at embroidery before you, but seriously&#8230; you just took out an entire city block.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Captain! Sensors indicate a Klingon warship is on an intercept course, and they&#8217;re priming their water pistols!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Howdy thar, pardner, get yerself a shot o&#8217; rotgut and join us: we&#8217;re discussin&#8217; the use of symbolism in Proust.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Yeah, it&#8217;s good at asking for crackers, but I really need a parrot that can calculate a Fourier transform.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Well sure, it&#8217;s poor quality, but look at it this way: the fact that a warthog wrote a sonnet at all is pretty impressive.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I recall my Grandpa&#8217;s last words to me. &#8216;My boy, VDMOS transistors exhibit a quadratic Rds(on) vs. Vdss characteristic.&#8217; I try to live by his wisdom!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;O Mary darling, no one&#8217;s iris dilator muscle contracts as gracefully as yours!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>Christmas Special Unlikely To Be A Classic: &#8220;Trudgy, The Elf Who Mucks Out The Reindeer Stable.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>Christmas Special Unlikely To Be A Classic: &#8220;Frosty The Snowman Prepares His Tax Return.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>Christmas Special Unlikely To Be A Classic: &#8220;The Christmas Pine Beetle.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>Christmas Special Unlikely To Be A Classic: &#8220;The Intestinal Parasites&#8217; Holiday Feast&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>Christmas Special Unlikely To Be A Classic: &#8220;A Christmas Carol 2: Carol Harder!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>Christmas Special Unlikely To Be A Classic: &#8220;An Interdisciplinary Analysis Of Holiday Traditions At Ceramic Frog Factories In Boise, Idaho&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>Christmas Special Unlikely To Be A Classic: &#8220;The Day The Leftover Eggnog Went Rancid&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>Christmas Special Unlikely To Be A Classic: &#8220;Reindeer vs Elk: The Grudge Match&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, &#8216;Merry Christmas to all, and remember that waxing your sleigh runners will shave a few seconds off your run time!'&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;O Mary darling, you alone hold the key to my heart! Now, don&#8217;t lose it before the transplant surgeons need it.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m telling you, this volcano is going to erupt, endangering the entire world&#8217;s supply of wicker!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;But then who will tattoo the parrots?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;No, no, I&#8217;ve been down that road before. Never again. This time YOU carry the ukulele.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;And when our revolution is successful, every citizen will have plaid underwear!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;We&#8217;ve discussed your husband&#8217;s case with every specialist in the hospital, Mrs Smith, and they&#8217;re all agreed only one thing can save him: medical drama. Intense, gripping medical drama.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>New Year&#8217;s Resolution Unlikely To Be Made: &#8220;This year, I will finally teach a herd of warthogs to perform &#8216;Carmen.'&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research I have created a handkerchief capable of codependency!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Admiral, the alien armada is closing in from all sides, our shields are failing, and our fried catfish turned out soggy!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;General, with all due respect, this image does not show a fleet of alien flying saucers screaming into our atmosphere on an attack run. It is, in fact, a jar of dill pickles.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Aye, Captain, if we can intrafibulate the vectoring resonance plotters, then we&#8217;ll be able to rectify the collimating phase inducers\u2014 and that SHOULD fix the coffeepot.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;It seemed like the right thing at the time. How could anyone have predicted the world would one day be doomed because we stopped putting laugh tracks on sitcoms?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;And then, when all seemed lost, the ducks lost the microfilm.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;You know I love your writing, Will, but I think you need to revise this line, &#8216;O Romeo, Romeo, did you bring me that pound of bacon I asked for?'&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;O Mary darling, do you remember how we first met, and you said, &#8216;Who are you, and why are you wearing an otter costume in my casino?'&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I believed it too, once\u2014 but it&#8217;s time to let go of the dream: you can&#8217;t just butter a hubcap and use it as a piano!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Oh no! The podiatrists have the lentil soup!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;But no, Watson, you have overlooked that it is impossible to dissolve a saxophone in a sugar solution.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;As I watched from my hiding place, the moonlight silvered the still pond and suddenly all the sounds of the forest ceased as if in suspense. He was here. I could feel it. At last, the accordion player was here.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Hoist the mainsail! Batten the hatches! Run out the cannons! Lick the popsicles! Butter the croissants!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Your honor, the defendant is charged with tabulating actuarial statistics while intoxicated.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Now hold on thar, stranger. I&#8217;m the law in these here parts, and yew cain&#8217;t jest ride into this town without explainin&#8217; how to tie-dye an otter.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Quick, all our lives depend on it! Is that an emu or a rhea? AN EMU OR A RHEA!?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Come away now, it&#8217;s no use standing here any longer. You just have to tell yourself, someday there will be another hex wrench&#8230; a better one.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Radar shows a massive formation of enemy bombers heading over the Channel\u2014 Alert the manicurists!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Captain, we have a storm warning from CINCPAC. Orders are to secure all Jello immediately.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Platoon, you see here the AQX-137 automated tactical unit, equipped with two mounted machine guns and five anti-aircraft missiles, braised in white wine and topped with a little Hollandaise sauce.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Men, tomorrow you&#8217;ll parachute into Normandy as part of D-day. Today, you&#8217;ll dress sticks of celery in Barbie doll clothes and pretend they&#8217;re performing &#8216;Hamlet.&#8217; Do not let either mission fail!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;O Mary darling, how can I describe your beauty? Only with adjectives, comparisons, and other descriptive tools that exist in language.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;It&#8217;s amazing\u2014 you&#8217;re the fifth person I&#8217;ve met whose life was saved by a mildewed cabbage.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;And so began the battle the French call &#8216;L&#8217;Affaire Stupide,&#8217; surely the most decisive battle of mimes versus unicyclists in the whole of the Second World War.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;You say you&#8217;re okay but I can tell you&#8217;re hurting. You need to see someone, get some help. That ostrich isn&#8217;t going to let go of your nose by itself.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;No, Frodo, I expected a secret inscription to appear when you put the Ring in the fireplace. But I suppose the Barbershop Quartet that materialized made the same point.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;No, you fool! You must recalibrate the calipers before you can calibrate the catenary concatenation calculations!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Doctor, the patient&#8217;s heart rate has steadied at 72, his BP is 120\/80, we&#8217;ve administered the IV and have finished engraving the flags of all nations on his teeth.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research I have finally filled an entire notebook and need to buy another!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;It was a hard childhood. Our elephant never did learn the tango.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I know it means a lot to you, but I just can&#8217;t let you do it. You&#8217;re not qualified to weave toupees for tapirs\u2014 not yet.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;The attack went perfectly at first&#8230; then we realized someone had mistakenly sent the last walnut to the bagpipers.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I recall my Grandpa&#8217;s last words to me: &#8216;My boy, always use ratiocination and circumlocution when exculpating your tergiversation.&#8217; I try to live by his simple wisdom.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Arrr, Mateys, we sails on the next tide. So I want ev&#8217;ry man jack o&#8217; ye scurvy dogs to pass your MCATs afore then!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;What? The mimes ate ALL the asparagus?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;No, this was no accident, it was murder\u2014 and I can prove it! See here, the settings on the victim&#8217;s theremin have been altered to sound like a stylophone!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;General! General! I have discovered the enemy&#8217;s weakness! Every one of them flunked grade school finger painting!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;We gather tonight to honor a true visionary, one who had the audacity to dream, and the determination to prove, that we could produce paperclips for 0.3% less manufacturing costs than previously supposed.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;There are some days when you just feel like a Proteocephalidea even though you&#8217;re really an Echinococcus granulosus.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Excuse me, may I butter your ostrich?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Abort the launch! Abort the launch! That&#8217;s not rocket fuel, it&#8217;s tapioca pudding!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Oh, good, the earthworm stylists have arrived.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Wait, I was supposed to reorient the termite mound FIRST?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I do love you, but it can never work out between us. Not as long as your pet yak is molting.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Look, hindsight is 20-20. Of course it&#8217;s obvious NOW that building the amphibious landing craft out of pasta was a mistake.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Remarkable, Smythe, this is the first bronze-age warrior&#8217;s tomb ever uncovered with weapons, armor and cotton candy machine fully intact!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;No, you fool, I said Ascaris lumbricoides, not Parascaris equorum!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;The D-day invasion is in less than six hours, and you&#8217;re telling me NOW we have an insufficient supply of marshmallow peeps?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;O brave Sir Knight, defender of the realm, greatly due we rue that we used fabric softener in polishing thine armor, and now &#8217;tis all wobbly.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;&#8230;and that&#8217;s why an octopus cannot be a prima ballerina. But I digress, we were talking about automotive design.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;The epidemic will be contained if we can find patient zero in the next three hours\u2014 before the bacterium starts writing sonnets.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;How many times must I tell you, never serve sausage gravy on a harmonica?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Why, yes, that is my ostrich. Now, did you also find its harpsichord?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;O Mary darling, no one&#8217;s extensor tendons have a tensile strength to match yours!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Sure, it&#8217;s an ingenious new fusion reactor design, but your instructions fail to mention the bell pepper must be charred before activation.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Drink up me hearties, kale smoothies be good fer ye.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;General, our worst fears have been realized. The geese are carrying bagpipes.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;We must remain calm and not do anything foolish. So everyone take off the Groucho glasses and put down the coconut cream pies.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;This hard and barren ground proved immune to battle&#8217;s scars; here armies clashed in bitter strife and yet left no marks to show they had passed; yea, here even their pogo sticks and bowling shoes left no track.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Sandpaper, you say? Well, that exonerates the aardvark, at least.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research I have invented a Type 811 PTFE-Lined Stainless Steel Braided Hose capable of Socratic logic!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Excuse me, I think that pangolin is stealing your clown costume.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Why, no, I&#8217;ve never steam-cleaned an electrophotometer. Why do you ask?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m sorry to say there&#8217;s no cure for your condition. But you can live with it, and a pair of heavy gloves will at least muffle the singing when your fingernails get too cheerful.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Beyond doubt, this is the most important step forward in rutabaga cultivation in nearly a week!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;You know I love your writing, Will, but you&#8217;ve really gotta rethink this new one, &#8216;A Midsummer Night&#8217;s Proctology Exam.'&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;You know I love your writing, Will, but you might want to revise the line &#8216;Caesar, beware that day kinda in the middle of March, about a week after we went out for lattes that one time.'&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Mark my words, for doom will fall upon this land! The Sun will be darkened, the Moon become as blood, and then\u2014 aye, and then the hamsters will come!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;You fool, you&#8217;ve given the platypus the wrong bagpipes!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;It was you who murdered Lord Melbury\u2014 yes, you who concealed yourself inside the footlocker, dressed in the Millard Fillmore costume and armed with the tambourine!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Captain, sensors detect an unidentified ship, heavily armed with phaser banks, photon torpedoes, and over a thousand of those squirting flowers clowns use.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;O Mary darling, this cross-referenced spreadsheet of your many qualities is 15% too inadequate to express my overall approval level re: you.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Soon my creation will rise! Igor, throw the switch! Yes\u2014 yes, it&#8217;s alive! I alone have succeeded where others failed! I alone have bestowed life on wilted asparagus!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;That&#8217;s no moon&#8230; it&#8217;s a cardboard cutout someone stuck to the cockpit window.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Now hold on thar, stranger. I&#8217;m the Sheriff of these here parts and that thar giraffe ain&#8217;t got permission to play them bagpipes.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>Crime Unlikely To Be Committed: Breaking into a stranger&#8217;s house in order to paint their refrigerator bright orange.<\/li>\r\n<li>Crime Unlikely To Be Committed: Teaching squid to crochet without a license.<\/li>\r\n<li>Crime Unlikely To Be Committed: The illegal detonation of toenail clippings<\/li>\r\n<li>Crime Unlikely To Be Committed: Possession with Intent to Distribute of Belly Button Lint in Excess of 35kg<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Igor you fool, you&#8217;ve swapped the ingredients! I can fix what you&#8217;ve done to my creature, but these bran muffins are ruined!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>Dialog Likely To Be Used #DLTBU: &#8220;Hi, nice to meet you. Nice weather today, isn&#8217;t it?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I accuse you\u2014 yes, it was you who stole the Brady Bunch memorabilia from the vault hidden beneath the frozen yogurt store!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Let&#8217;s not beat about the bush, we both know why we&#8217;re here. You&#8217;ve got the toenail clippings, and I want them. Name your price.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m sorry, sir, I can&#8217;t let you board the aircraft while your wolverine is molting.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Bad news from the front, General. The enemy force is playing &#8216;It&#8217;s a Small World&#8217; on accordions.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;ve lived with this secret for so many years, but now the truth is out\u2014 yes, I was the one who taught our pet dog to play mahjong!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Oh no, NO! You&#8217;ve put the asparagus in the wrong safe deposit box!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I love you, but it can never work out between us. Not so long as you keep confusing ostriches with emus.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;O Mary darling, remember the first time we met? I was in the crane and you were down in the pool, putting carrots in the water filter&#8230; I&#8217;ll never forget that day.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Your betrayal is like a dagger to my heart! Well, if a dagger in the heart didn&#8217;t kill me, or cause physical injury or bleeding or&#8230; okay, it&#8217;s not like a dagger to my heart at all. Forget I said that.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;My colleagues laughed at me, called me mad. Mad! But the last laugh will be mine, when my army of atomic mutated aardvarks consumes the entire world supply of marshmallow peeps!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;We believe the killer is this man\u2014 Boris &#8216;Crusher&#8217; Borisov, ex-KGB agent, known to every law enforcement agency as the most dangerous gerbil trainer in the world.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I tried to warn you. How many times did I tell you, never buy roofing nails from a heart surgeon?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;No, it will not be unlikely to never fail to not quite negate the indeterminate non-starting negative antiparticle nullifier.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Why, that&#8217;s the most amazing 8&#8217;x10&#8243; cedar plank I&#8217;ve ever seen!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I love you but it can never work out between us, we&#8217;re just too different: your ceramic hedgehog collection is at 1:5 scale and mine is 1:6.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Now, don&#8217;t feel so bad, it could happen to anyone. Well, anyone with a llama and five iguanas.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Ah, to be young again, all possibilities still ahead of me and all my zither strings still woven into the wicker furniture.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Well, yes, I suppose it&#8217;s possible, but I think it&#8217;s more likely the mimes were simply reconfiguring the electron microscope.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research, I have finally invented the self-cleaning thumbtack!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Gold doubloons? The chest is filled with gold doubloons!? WHERE are my pencil shavings?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Listen! You&#8217;ve got to believe me! If you don&#8217;t varnish that toothpick, we&#8217;re all doomed!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m sorry, after what happened that day at the tailor shop, I just can never trust an ichthyologist again.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Oh, pardon me, did I infiltrate your llama enclosure?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;We&#8217;re running out of time\u2014 you&#8217;ve got to finish knitting that warp engine cozy before the Klingons arrive!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Well I suppose you could but only if you figured out a way to tie-dye a llama first.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Oh, I&#8217;m sorry, I mistook your chicken for an accountant.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;My name is Lancelot, Sir Lancelot of Camelot, and I will be offering discount carpet cleaning in your neighborhood next week. Call for a free estimate.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Well it&#8217;s certainly an impressive resume but right now NASA is only hiring astronauts with lion-taming experience.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Bad news, Admiral\u2014 the mimes have stolen all the accordions.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;And now, in lieu of exchanging rings, the happy couple have elected to solemnize their vows by juggling their pet porcupines.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m sorry the particle accelerator exploded. It&#8217;s my fault, I thought that when the calculations said &#8216;deep-dish pizza&#8217; that it was a mistake of some kind.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Now, this is most important. You must paint your nose green BEFORE clipping the trigger wire, not after.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;This then was when Admiral Farragut made his great mistake: the person he spoke to was not the inventor of the ironclad warship but rather a passing mime supplier.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>Rocketship X-M to Mission Control\u2014 abort the launch! Abort the launch! The aardvark stylist is not on board!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;My friends all say I have unreasonable expectations but I say there&#8217;s nothing wrong with high standards, and I refuse to marry any man who does not have a giant shrimp head.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;You know I love your writing, Will, but maybe in this scene Caesar could three times refuse a crown, rather than a coupon for discount sushi?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Why, this must surely be the most sesquipedalian set of bagpipes in the world!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Why, I&#8217;d be delighted to do that for you! Just tell me where your accordion is, and I&#8217;ll bring my liver and onions recipe.&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;You&#8217;ll never take me alive, coppers! I&#8217;ve got an electron microscope and I&#8217;m not afraid to use it!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;The invasion armada is approaching! Quick\u2014 summon the caseiculturists!&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<li>&#8220;Always the same dilemma! An otter or a bagpipe? An otter or a bagpipe!?&#8221;<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It&#8217;s time for yet another archive of my daily Twitter post, Dialog Unlikely To Be Used #DUTBU. Enjoy! &#8220;Yeee-haw! Ride that Galapagos tortoise, cowboy, ride &#8216;im!&#8221; &#8220;How could we know? Seriously, who could have anticipated the world would one day&hellip;<\/p>\n<p class=\"more-link-p\"><a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/2019\/05\/13\/dialog-unlikely-to-be-used-volume-7\/\">Read more &rarr;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"Dialog Unlikely To Be Used, The Archive volume 7","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1341","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-writing"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3BJaJ-lD","jetpack-related-posts":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1341","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1341"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1341\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1345,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1341\/revisions\/1345"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1341"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1341"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1341"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}