{"id":556,"date":"2015-06-05T11:24:39","date_gmt":"2015-06-05T16:24:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/?p=556"},"modified":"2015-06-05T11:24:39","modified_gmt":"2015-06-05T16:24:39","slug":"dialog-unlikely-to-be-used-the-archive","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/2015\/06\/05\/dialog-unlikely-to-be-used-the-archive\/","title":{"rendered":"Dialog Unlikely To Be Used: The Archive"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Hi there\u2014<strong><br \/>\n<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It&#8217;s been a while since I&#8217;ve done anything with this blog, after finishing the &#8220;Dr Who from the Start&#8221; series. But I&#8217;ve had a series going on Twitter for quite some time now, with a daily tweet called &#8220;Dialog Unlikely To Be Used&#8221; (#DUTBU). I figured I might as well collect the series together somewhere.<\/p>\n<p>By now I&#8217;ve accumulated quite a lot of these; you&#8217;ll be bored well before reaching the end. But, anyway:<\/p>\n<h4><strong>Dialog Unlikely To Be Used<\/strong><\/h4>\n<ul>\n<li>&#8220;Our attempt failed: the asteroid is still headed for Earth\u2014 but now it&#8217;s covered in cream cheese!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;You thought it was the perfect crime, but you forgot that purchasing a snail always leaves a record!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;We almost panicked when, halfway to Mars, the spacecraft&#8217;s cow-catcher rammed a buffalo.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;There&#8217;s nothing more dangerous than a wounded sea cucumber.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh Mary, darling, you have the most beautiful lower right eyelid I&#8217;ve ever seen!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Whoah there, pardner, yew cain&#8217;t rope that steer less&#8217;n yew put a doily under it first.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Detective, if we don&#8217;t catch this gang soon, there won&#8217;t be a single shoe store left in Dayton.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;So, Xprqzgh, the humans are unaware of our presence. Soon our zvghrqzz ray will fully enzgrrxh their world!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m sorry it has to be this way, but I just can&#8217;t date someone with that number of thumbs.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;As you know, Professor Jenkins, ducks are notoriously unreliable research assistants.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;It&#8217;s impressive to see a herd of wildebeest perform Hamlet in the first place, but the acting was mediocre.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;They laughed at me, called me mad. Mad! And they were right, so I have no hard feelings about it.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;People of Earth, surrender your arugula recipes immediately, or we shall destroy your planet!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;You watch for the guard, Gronsky&#8211; if he spots the tunnel entrance, he might alert an accountant.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;It gets eerie alone on the prairie at night, nothing but the stars overhead as your hot tub chugs and bubbles.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Better do a maintenance check, Scotty, I&#8217;m sure I heard the brakes squeal when we came out of warp drive.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The talisman you seek lies across the Forbidden Plains, in the Cavern of Doom, right behind the ottoman.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Og mighty warrior! Og slay many wild beast! Og very good at differential calculus!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Captain, sensors can&#8217;t determine a point of origin\u2014 it&#8217;s like no coconut cream pie we&#8217;ve encountered before.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I am Sir Lancelot of Camelot, and I am on a routine and unimportant quest.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Mugsy, you keep the motor running. Bruiser, you take out the security cameras. Me, I&#8217;ll hang the bunting.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The lava flow is coming and the bridge is out&#8211; thank goodness I know how to knit, and have a lot of yarn!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;There&#8217;s no cure for Xyzyxplistythemia, Mrs. Jones, you&#8217;ll just have to keep your duck on a leash.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;And remember, if we don&#8217;t feed these goldfish in the next three hours, it&#8217;s the end for all of us!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Bosun, pipe the men to quarters! Hoist the mains&#8217;l! Run out the cannons! Pet the platypus!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Why you, if I weren&#8217;t such a civilized man, I&#8217;d take this rotten ledger and add up numbers in it!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I am Wile E. Coyote, genius. And since you are Bugs Bunny, I demonstrate my genius by running away now.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Ready&#8230; aim&#8230; crochet!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Scalpel&#8230; retractor&#8230; suction&#8230; check his blood pressure&#8230; good. Now, pour on the gravy.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Goodbye my dearest. Kiss the children for me. And think of me whenever you&#8217;re grouting the tile.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;After years of careful research, I have finally perfected bifocal Groucho glasses!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Thank goodness you&#8217;re back, the Internet was a cold and lonely place without you!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Do your worst, I will never tell you my secret knitting pattern!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I would use my superstrength to stop the asteroid from hitting Earth, but I&#8217;m playing bridge at the moment.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Why thank you, I&#8217;ve always worked hard to have an attractive uvula.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Arr, Matey, I just be going over me plunder in order to calculate the depreciation index for me tax return.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Now add the mushrooms, along with two cloves of garlic and a cup of used motor oil.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Ah, fair maiden, wouldst thou doest me the honour of killing this icky spider for me?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;On the third day out from Laredo, we had a problem: the salt flats were just ahead, a deadly threat to the snail herd.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;When you grow up in the desert, the scorching sun and hard-baked sand teach you one lesson early on: long division.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I don&#8217;t like the looks of that storm front, Cap&#8217;n. Plaid just isn&#8217;t the right color.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;It&#8217;s quiet&#8230; too quiet&#8230; they&#8217;re definitely planning a mime attack.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Disguising yourself as a head of lettuce will not save you\u2014 not when I brought my salad spinner!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I threw back a shot of rye as the dame slinked into my office like a frog in a ball-bearing factory.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;All right 007, your mission is to julienne those carrots before the Russians do.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;ve brought you all here to tell you\u2014 the murderer is in this very room! He&#8217;s the one the police have in handcuffs.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Yes, this is the secret of Sauron&#8217;s might\u2014 the Toenail Clipper of Power!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;We have only two choices: run and hide, and let the aliens take our planet, or stand up and beat them at this badminton game.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;No good, an F-16 is just not capable of that kind of speed&#8230; we&#8217;ll have to harness the penguins.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Journey past the many aisles of temptation to the produce section of destiny. There you will find the radish you seek.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Somehow the Phantom managed to steal that toothpick, right under my very nose.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The hurricane makes landfall in an hour. We&#8217;ve got that long to get every mime in the city up in a weather balloon.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I know just the cure for a bad cold. How about a hearty bowl of weasel stew?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;That&#8217;s a nice paperclip dispenser you&#8217;ve got there. Be a shame if something were to&#8230; happen&#8230; to it.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh Mary darling, let me gaze upon the beauty of your earlobes, your eyelids, and the third knuckle on your right index finger.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;You see, Watson, the distinctive tracks a centipede leaves in overcooked oatmeal are unmistakable.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;O brave knight, heed my words: this quest you can achieve only by sitting on the sofa and watching lots of television.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The Dark Tower of infinite doom and despair? It&#8217;s across the street from the Seven-Eleven.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;All right men, the Normandy beaches are just ahead. We expect heavy resistance to our landing. Break out your tricycles.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;We&#8217;ll shrink the sub to the size of a bacterium and inject it into the patient, where the team will fix his receding hairline.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I hate to see 20 years of marriage fail&#8230; and yet, for all the ups and downs, I can never forgive you for the toenail clipper.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;If you try to resist, we have ways of making you talk. Now\u2014 tell us everything you know about Medieval alliterative poetry!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Sir Lancelot, are you going to eat all of that sandwich?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;So, hero, you dare challenge me in my own palace? Very well then, choose! Do you want the Wheelbarrow or the Top Hat?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;To be or not to be, that is the glxfnarb plrtz ggh xighm lklkl.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;At dawn on the summer solstice, the shadow of the obelisk will lie directly upon the stone where nothing important lies buried.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;No good, the cave-in&#8217;s completely blocked the passage. I&#8217;m afraid there&#8217;s no way forward except by taxi.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I want to hire you, detective. I think my tree slug has been cheating on me.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron gently poach at a temperature of 170 until the sauce thickens.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Captain&#8217;s log, stardate 8367.9. The Enterprise is in drydock to be repainted. After looking at the swatches, I picked salmon.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The bad guys are getting away! Curses, if only I had remembered to wax my roller skates!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;If we don&#8217;t stop it, this bomb goes off in three hours\u2014 with a force equivalent to almost a dozen really big sneezes!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;We fight this revolution with one noble goal&#8211; to end the tyranny of toenail painting, once and for all!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Now we light the funeral pyre for Njorl the Mighty, slain in battle. As the flames rise high, bring forth the marshmallows!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I have a collect call from a Mr. Adventure.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Tell him I refuse the call.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Legend has it that the lost treasure could, in today&#8217;s prices, be worth almost seventy-five cents. So\u2014 right. Let&#8217;s not bother.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh darling, my dearest, you are marginally less uninteresting than any other woman I&#8217;ve ever met!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;We need everyone&#8217;s best effort. If this deal collapses, we lose custody of the yak.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Well. I suppose you *could* do it that way, but I think there are better ways to clean your teeth than a sandblaster.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Beware, travelers, for down that road lie many miles until the next bathroom stop.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Check your equipment carefully&#8230; when you&#8217;re 1000 feet up the side of a sheer cliff, that crepe pan can save your life.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Yes, that&#8217;s the one\u2014 that&#8217;s the sea cucumber that killed my brother.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Yes, Professor Johnson, my research proves beyond a shadow of a doubt the pyramids were once coated with guacamole!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;You win this round, Captain Awesome, but I, the Crime King, will return\u2014 and the world&#8217;s pimento supply WILL be mine!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;It&#8217;s taken me decades and a thousand pages of calculations to prove, but now I know\u2014 you owe me another nickel for that hot dog!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;If we don&#8217;t stop this asteroid before it hits the Earth, it could devastate an area of almost half an acre!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m afraid the latest reports only confirm our worst fears. We&#8217;re facing a worldwide Q-tip shortage.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;It&#8217;s a hard life out here on the frontier. You try making a lace doily with only tree bark and an axe.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Sir, I have to report that while we did mine the strait against enemy ships, due to a clerical error we mined it with s&#8217;mores.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m afraid we&#8217;re out of options, Admiral. The enemy fleet has us surrounded. We&#8217;re going to have to go to their square dance.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Puny Earthlings! I am Emperor Xglrfx of the plant Qrdspln and soon you will bow before the power of OUR chess club!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;According to sensors, the object is either an uncharted rogue asteroid, or a really delicious lemon custard pie.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;You can if you like, stranger, but no one&#8217;s ever managed to tame ole Lightning. That&#8217;s one mean gerbil.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Now, nothing can stand in the way of my ambition to become the tenth greatest hat salesman of all time!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Those fools! When will they ever learn? THREE cranberries, not two! THREE!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Tired of the same old Thanksgiving leftovers? Try making this adorable mashed potato end table instead!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Sometimes at midnight during a full moon you&#8217;ll see it, the ghost of Grimold Hall, floating down the hall checking Facebook.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;And then I heard a strange, disembodied voice groaning, &#8216;Where is the shoe store? Where is the shoe store?'&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;My dearest love, just seeing you causes my heart to beat 13.7% faster than its normal resting average.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Ah, I see the problem, Sir Galahad. That part of the armor goes on your FOOT.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;O great sage of the mountain, I have passed many trials to come and ask your wisdom: canola or vegetable oil to make fries?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Now hold on thar, pardner, did yew want remoulade sauce on them oysters, or not?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Why, this must be the least not unlikely thing to have never almost failed to not quite happen!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Well Mrs Smith, in the future just remember the advice about not sticking Q-tips too far into your ears also applies to camels.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m afraid the prognosis is grim. It&#8217;s advanced earlobe disease.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Red alert! Raise the shields! Put on the Groucho glasses!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I am terribly sorry for this, I TOLD them the aardvark was supposed to follow the tap dancers.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Quick! Engage the nictating frabjuration generator! The Zycosclemians are bladforbing their glilglagl projector!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Well, Detective, based on body temp and degree of rigor, I&#8217;d say the murder happened in days of yore.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Observe, Watson&#8211; only a blue-eyed man would leave footprints like these!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I wish I could say everything will be finn\u2014 er, everyping will be fine\u2014 I mean, everything wlt ba fing\u2014 but clearly I can&#8217;t.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;My client denies these charges, but is willing to plead guilty to the lesser offense of using glitter in a room with a carpet.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Aye, Jim-lad, the Sea&#8217;s a treacherous place, as full o&#8217; danger as an overpriced cupcake.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;ve tried to make it work, John, I really have. But I can&#8217;t trust you when you say things like that about integral calculus.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The dragon is slain\u2014 now to muck out its lair.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Yes, it&#8217;s very impressive, but where do you put the handles?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;There can be no doubt, Frodo\u2014 this IS the paper-clip holder of power.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Well yes, of course, but surely you can&#8217;t use a *live*\u00a0 chicken for that, right?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Careful! That&#8217;s one angry, dangerous butterfly.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>\u201cCourage alone will not avail you on this quest, O knight. For this quest requires pedantry. Endless nitpicking pedantry.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m calling you out, Sheriff. Main Street, high noon. And you better bring your pinking shears.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The children were sleeping all snug in their beds, while visions of self-regulating steam valves danced in their heads.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh boy! Socks and underwear are exactly what I asked Santa for!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;This is the new AXJ-57Q. We call it the &#8216;Exterminator.&#8217; It&#8217;s nuclear powered and can crochet at a range of 100 miles.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I have perfected my time machine, Jenkins! It will travel into the future at a rate of sixty minutes per hour!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Okay, but apart from the warthog, how was the ballet?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I am Thermalman, with the power to raise the temperature of an average-size room by 0.5 degrees for an hour or so!!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Doggone it, the lightning&#8217;s done spooked the herd! A thousand head o&#8217;cattle all calling the crisis hotline at once ain&#8217;t pretty.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m the Sheriff of this here town, and I&#8217;m telling you you&#8217;re in the wrong genre, Sir Lancelot, so you&#8217;d best move along.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;This makes five, Detective. Five hamsters swapped for gerbils this week\u2014 and still no clue who&#8217;s doing it!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Mr Sulu, set phasers on annoying and kind of itchy.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;We&#8217;ve established orbit around Jupiter. Throw out the anchor and furl the sails.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Admiral, we have the Spanish Armada trapped in the harbor! Now all we have to do is pour in the Jell-O mix and they&#8217;ll be stuck!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;My colleagues laughed at me, called me mad. Mad! But my new discovery proves I was right\u2014 stick insects ARE left-handed!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Your mission, 007, is to sneak into the Russians&#8217; most secure facility, and photograph their knitting patterns.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;All parents face the question of when to teach their child how to use their industrial-grade ball-bearing maker.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;What do you mean it was a typo? NOW what am I going to do with all these yaks?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;It was all so sudden, officer\u2014 we were arguing, he used metalepsis when he should have used hypocatastasis\u2014 and I just lost it.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Here&#8217;s your problem, all right. Your engine&#8217;s running low on eels.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;All right team, this is where it all pays off. The months of practice, of hard work\u2014 now get out there and remove that appendix!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Brave knight, you have shown valor and honor. Receive your 5% discount coupon to participating taverns (some restrictions apply).&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Captain, sensors detect an object on a collision course&#8230; it appears to be a cartoon frog singing ragtime songs.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;No, cauliflowers do not have livers.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I never imagined the greatest threat to ever face the world could begin with a penguin getting into a box of crayons.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;No, no, no, the lizards go on the INSIDE!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh, the Johnsons&#8217; house? They live two doors down, on the left, across the Forbidden Plain and past the Cavern of Doom.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m leaving you, Jeff. It&#8217;s not that I don&#8217;t love you&#8230; it&#8217;s just that I can&#8217;t get past the lamprey.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I have returned to reclaim my homeland from the vile usurper! All loyal subjects, rally to my side! And bring lots of corn oil!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I am Morgon the Mildly Ominous, ruler of vague visions and unimportant portents!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Turbos to full power\u2014 open the dampers\u2014 engage booster rockets\u2014 put skillet over medium-high heat and saute onions until brown.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Brave Sir Knight, beware, for the dragon is fierce and wicked, and has hacked the Facebook account of many a warrior before you.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I warn you, that road is cursed! All who travel on it break their shoelaces ere they reach the end!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;You fool! You&#8217;ve forgotten to activate the carrots!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Behold! I have invented the least expensive paperclip in the world!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The lava flow is headed straight for us! Quick\u2014 get the marshmallows! I&#8217;ll get the chocolate and graham crackers.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Olives don&#8217;t have feet.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;ll admit it seems foolish in hindsight, but hiring a coelocanth as my accountant seemed like a good idea at the time.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;But in order to do that, you&#8217;d need the WHOLE llama, wouldn&#8217;t you?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh my darling, you have the most beautiful hair. Especially strand number 83,046 from the left.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I may have had the motive, Inspector, but I could not have done it\u2014 I was having my otter tuned and I can prove it!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Captain to all hands. We&#8217;ve entered orbit around Rigel VII. Landing party, saddle your horses and prepare to go ashore.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;We have only one chance\u2014 procrastinate! Procrastinate as if your life depended on it!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;All right men, tonight you parachute behind the lines in Normandy. Check your gear, and don&#8217;t forget your suntan lotion.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The way this crime scene looks, the killer would have to have 5 arms and eyes on his feet. So that narrows it to just 2 suspects.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me twenty bucks, and I can pay you back on Tuesday.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears! I promise to have them surgically reattached when I&#8217;m done with them.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears! I&#8217;d also like a lease with option to buy on your spleens.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Friends, Romans, Countrymen\u2014 would it kill ya to just listen to me for, like, two freakin&#8217; minutes? Fer cryin&#8217; out loud.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears! I come to bury Caesar, not name a salad after him.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Yes, it seems like an ironclad alibi\u2014 until you remember that when trout play chess, they always choose the black pieces!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;You fool! Didn&#8217;t you know ostriches make bad accountants?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Howdy, pardner. Set yerself by the fire and join us fer some grub. We got a big mess o&#8217; prawns in a white wine truffle sauce.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;There&#8217;s never a good time to tell someone it&#8217;s pronounced ZY-lophone.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Team One: at 0600 you will execute a precision HALO jump into the center of the city, and buy the donuts. Remember: no sprinkles.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh Mary darling, no one metabolizes oxygen and carbohydrates into carbon dioxide and water as beautifully as you!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Eureka, Jenkins, I have succeeded at last in devising an infallible method for resharpening used toothpicks!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Yes, Colonel, it&#8217;s a brilliant plan to break the enemy&#8217;s defenses\u2014 but where are we going to get that much popcorn?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Our only hope is to trim his eyebrows before it&#8217;s too late!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I can&#8217;t understand why my business failed&#8230; I checked, and NO ONE else was offering to paint mustaches on goldfish.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh Mary darling, no other woman&#8217;s eardrums vibrate so beautifully as yours!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;No, you fool! The other platypus! The OTHER platypus!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Strike Team Alpha, the target is at point Bravo on the east slope. Start preparing your spitballs, and make them soggy.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Yes, I&#8217;ve always had one. Noses run in my family.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Our only hope is to carefully and closely watch this paint dry\u2014 no matter how long it takes.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Your reasoning is sound, Watson, but for one fact you have overlooked: oysters do not leave footprints.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Whoah there, pardner, let&#8217;s rustle up a mess o&#8217; grub, set ourselves down, and reconcile the multiple debenture calculations.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Hooo-eee! That&#8217;s some mighty delicious foie gras!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Besides, I already did the other kidney in plaid.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Nurse, administer 10 cc&#8217;s of lidocaine, in a beschamel sauce garnished with parsley.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Indeed your armor is strong and shines brightly, Sir Galahad, however that part is mean to go on your FEET.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The Talisman lies hid in the Cave of Convenience, beyond the Desert of Easy Crossing, atop Mount GentleEasySlope.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Captain, we&#8217;re entering orbit around Rigel IV. Sensors show them doggone cattle rustlers are hiding out on the 3rd moon.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Watson, the case will be solved if we can answer just one question: where in London can an otter buy a toupee?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh Mary darling, I love you more than 85.39% of all other women.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m sorry, I never mean for any of this to happen\u2014 the finger puppets were supposed to be delivered to my other address.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;At dawn on the solstice, the shadow of the stone pillar points out the secret door. That&#8217;s where I dropped my contact lens.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Well of course it&#8217;s possible, but why would you WANT to do a thing like that with an abacus?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Sir Lancelot, I charge thee with this quest: boil this pot of water, sometime in the next hour or so.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Let&#8217;s proceed. Scalpel\u2014 scissors\u2014 some suction there, please\u2014 good\u2014 now attach the Groucho glasses to it\u2014&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Cucumbers do not have spleens.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;At 0800 Bravo company will attack from the north, Charlie company from the south. We&#8217;ll finally have that @#$% gopher surrounded.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I agree it&#8217;s an inconvenient symptom, Mr Johnson, but look on the bright side\u2014 you&#8217;ll no longer need an umbrella.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Aye that&#8217;s a leprechaun right enough. Bit of a surprise, you don&#8217;t often catch &#8217;em at the laundromat.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Tremble, criminals, for I am Amazing Man and I have the mysterious power to grow my fingernails at nearly twice the normal rate!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Eureka, Jenkins! I&#8217;ve finally discovered the formula for my oatmeal cookie-based fusion reactor!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Er, no, nothing&#8217;s wrong, it&#8217;s just&#8230; well, I wasn&#8217;t expecting you to be wearing stilts.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh Mary, darling, your voice has the hum of a hundred thousand volt transformer.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;This, brave knight, is the Elixir of Power. Drink, and you will be invincible. Here also is Diet Elixir of Power.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;This town ain&#8217;t big enough fer the two of us, Sheriff. So I reckon we best annex that Lakeside housing development.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I hoped we might reconnect. But I know now I can never forgive my parents for their interpretation of quantum string theory.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I am Zargax the Conqueror! Tremble before me! Now I, and I alone, will decide the pricing policy at this fabric store!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;You can&#8217;t do this! We were friends once! Try to remember the man you once were\u2014 before you bought the earthworm farm.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Now aim carefully and squeeze the trigger gently. Okay, good, but next time try squeezing it with your finger.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;How could things have gone so terribly wrong? All I did was tattoo an aardvark, how could I know where it would lead?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh Mary, darling, no CAT scan of a diseased lung can rival the fascination I feel for you!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Well, of course I&#8217;d love to help, but I don&#8217;t think I can find a cummerbund that wide.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The average orbital speed of Jupiter is 13.06 km\/s. April fools! Ha-ha! It&#8217;s actually 13.07! And you fell for it! Ha!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m afraid your husband&#8217;s condition is touch-and-go. We won&#8217;t know for 24 hours whether that hangnail will need to be clipped.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;So, Professor Jenkins, my old nemesis, we meet again! But this time I&#8217;ve equipped my particle accelerator with a plaid duvet!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;No, Watson, Lord Granger&#8217;s son cannot be the killer. A 3-week-old baby cannot aim a howitzer so accurately.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;007, there&#8217;s only one way to stop the nuclear attack. You must spend 235 minutes repeating &#8216;bingo boingo&#8217; as fast as possible.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;What&#8217;s wrong with me, Doctor? Every morning I wake up with a headache, feeling all run down, and with an extra two arms.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;That was very impressive, Mr Smith, but we&#8217;re just not hiring trapeze artists for our accounting department.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh Mary darling, you are like a bay leaf in the stew of my heart!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Whoah there, pardner, yew&#8217;ll have to leave yer elephant tied up to the hitchin&#8217; post outside.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Eureka, Jenkins! After decades of research I have finally discovered why people fear serial killers!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Well Detective, I&#8217;ve never seen a crime scene like this before. I didn&#8217;t even think and aardvark could FIT in a drinking straw.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Arrgh! Even I, Captain Amazing, cannot thwart this evil scheme! I must call my ally, Fiduciary Calculations Man!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;m sorry, I didn&#8217;t quite hear you\u2014 did you just say &#8216;xprqnzzngaxx?'&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Captain, a giant tentacled space monster has entered orbit around Earth\u2014 and it refused the chocolate gift box we sent.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Cherry blossoms glow<br \/>\nThe sun overhead is bright<br \/>\nThis line has the wrong number of syllables.&#8221;<br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/search?q=%23HaikuDay\"><span style=\"text-decoration: line-through;\">#<\/span>HaikuDay<\/a><\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Some things scar you for life, and I&#8217;ve never been able to eat Parmesan cheese. Not since that Parcheesi game with&#8230; the pun.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Captain, we&#8217;ve entered orbit around Rigel IV, but we don&#8217;t have any change for the parking meter.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Why no, Mr Bond, I expect you to diet.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;O knight, in reaching here you have shown average skills and moderate courage. The costume jewelry of Castle Ordinary is yours.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oloric the Wizard, I admit I lack wisdom; when you spoke of the artifact of power I did not expect it to be a whoopie cushion.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Team, we&#8217;ve just become the first crew ever to land on Jupiter. Everyone break out your yo-yos!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;It&#8217;s a dream come true! Ever since I was a child, I dreamed of becoming the weekend night watchman of this gravel quarry!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;General\u2014 the Yankees have camped at Whakamolee Creek, and they&#8217;re performing La Boheme with an off-key tenor!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;My fault, my fault. I thought you&#8217;d realize I meant &#8216;prosopopoeia&#8217; figuratively.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Action News is live, reporting on what&#8217;s being described as the second largest waffle disaster in history.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;We must have switched messages. This is not a job for Superman, and somewhere, Grammar Nitpicking Man is trying to cap a volcano.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I know, you tried to warn me. It&#8217;s just that when you yelled &#8216;duck!&#8217; I thought you were telling me to move.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I&#8217;ve seen a lot a crime scenes, detectives, but this is a new one on me. So if you could help get it off me, that&#8217;d be nice.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh Mary darling, how I remember the first time I set eyes upon you, and you said &#8216;Ewwww!&#8217; and threw them back to me!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Captain Nemo, your submarine is truly a marvelous invention, but I must say constructing it of paper-mache was a poor choice.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Eureka, Jenkins! I&#8217;ve invented the world&#8217;s first popcorn-propelled interplanetary spacecraft!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Captain, according to these sensor readings, the object is a chocolate cream pie the approximate size of Jupiter.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Excess belly button lint is an extremely rare medical condition. Indeed I&#8217;ve never seen a case reach 2 liters a day before.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;No, no, when I said you need to tear down the walls around your heart, I meant it figuratively.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Last I saw, it was right underneath me. It&#8217;s bound to turn up\u2014 there&#8217;s only so many places a rogue parquet floor can hide.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I know hunting season is over, but I had no choice. I swear to you, Game Warden, that earthworm was charging right at me!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;No, you fool! I said ROGUE, not ROUGE!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;It&#8217;s a good plan, General, but where will we get a pimento that size?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;They laughed at me, called me mad\u2014 MAD! But I proved I was right\u2014 my new thermos really does keep coffee hot 1.2% longer!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;All right men, we&#8217;re storming the beach at 0600. And this time, no clown costumes! Do I make myself clear?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Yes, it&#8217;s very impressive, but perhaps you could demonstrate your chainsaw juggling after the heart surgery is over, doctor?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Ma&#8217;am, I&#8217;m Detective Smith, this is Detective Jones. We need to ask you some questions about the&#8230; risotto incident.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Captain, that photon torpedo damaged the ship&#8217;s sewage disposal system\u2014 now pressure&#8217;s building and it&#8217;s about to blow!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Ma&#8217;am, I&#8217;m afraid your husband fell victim to that rarest of medical problems\u2014 spontaneous fingernail detonation.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh Mary darling, of all the hair on your head, I love strand #286,377 the most!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Sheriff, that outlaw&#8217;s got the whole town mighty skeered. If&#8217;n you don&#8217;t do something about it, he&#8217;ll take our entire okra crop.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Captain, according to sensors the Klingons just mooned us.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;It&#8217;s a breakthrough, General! We&#8217;ve developed a warhead that can be carried by a properly trained garden slug.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;The polls have closed and we can declare a winner\u2014 America&#8217;s next president is Jubbly Q. Jugglemuffin!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;On the planet Xpwerp, we have none of these &#8216;anchovies&#8217; which you seek.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;If we don&#8217;t stop this maniac, Detective, he&#8217;ll TP every tire store in Abilene!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh Mary darling, you have the most beautiful whorl patterns in your fingerprints!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Eureka, Jenkins! I have discovered a previously unknown use for talcum powder!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;You fool! I said colonel, not kernel!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Every villain in the world will have to pay ME, now that I&#8217;ve cornered the market on mustache-twirling cream! Nyah-ha-ha-ha-ha!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;So, my old nemesis, we meet again\u2014 but this time *I* have the poppy seed bagel!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;In hindsight, 007, wearing your secret service ID badge while trying to work undercover was probably not a good idea.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Now pay attention, 007. An ordinary ballpoint pen\u2014 but filled with a unique ink capable of writing on stewed cabbage leaves.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;That&#8217;s right, 007, unless your government pays the ransom, my ultra-laser will destroy the entire world supply of pinking shears!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Oh Mary darling, you are truly one in&#8230; oh, about two or three.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Set yerself down and hear a tale, the story of Big Jim Putey, the greatest spittoon cleaner to ever roam the Old West!&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;So you see, Watson, Lord Melbury could not have committed the crime\u2014 not without five times the supply of squid ink that he had.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;If you go forward, O knight, be warned\u2014 fail to vanquish your foe, and you will surely feel kind of itchy for an hour or so.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Hi there\u2014 It&#8217;s been a while since I&#8217;ve done anything with this blog, after finishing the &#8220;Dr Who from the Start&#8221; series. But I&#8217;ve had a series going on Twitter for quite some time now, with a daily tweet called&hellip;<\/p>\n<p class=\"more-link-p\"><a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/2015\/06\/05\/dialog-unlikely-to-be-used-the-archive\/\">Read more &rarr;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"Dialog Unlikely To Be Used: The Archive","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-556","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-writing"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3BJaJ-8Y","jetpack-related-posts":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/556","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=556"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/556\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":558,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/556\/revisions\/558"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=556"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=556"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/keithgoodnight.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=556"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}